Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy

Oh My God, you guys, seriously.....FUCK IT

2007-03-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Oh Rock Star, so much like an old boyfriend that you can't get out of your head. We've tried. We took some time apart. A long time apart. This is what worked for us last year, when the going got too tough. We took a break and came back refreshed and ready to resume our relationship. But you've gone too far. The last time we forced you out of our lives, we realized that we were happier without you. Without digging for mediocre jokes about people we don't even glean enough entertainment from to hate. Without pulling up the fashion profiles and being gripped by the paralyzing reality that we have almost nothing left to say about these people. Without being tortured by apathy and dread, oh Rock Star, we are ready to break the circle of violence. And we always thought we'd wind up with a show just like our fathers....

On a personal note, I am moving at the end of this month to sunny Las Vegas, Nevada, and quite frankly, I hope to be spending a lot less time on the internet. That, and speaking for myself only, the only ones I remember anything about are Storm and Zayra. And Patrice and Lukas, for opposite reasons. So here I lay down and say, "You win, Tommy Lee. You win."

I actually haven't discussed this with Crystal yet, hopefully she won't be too pissed by my declaration, but I would like to get in one more swipe at SuavePorn before I finally escape this midwestern hellhole. (not that I don't love the midwest, because you know I have a serious prejudice against people not from fly over country. Or Chicago. I count Chicago.)

I highly doubt my ability to finish up with this entirely before I leave, and I highly doubt my devotion to it after I arrive. So, it is my promise that we will have the second annual Crystal and Gina Fashion Awards Spectacular before I leave for Vegas on March 30. I though it would be nice to ask all ten of you to either drop us an email at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com or to drop us a message at our myspace page and let us know what kind of awards and nominees you would like to see.

We'll be doing the usual (best/worst hair, outfit, fashion MVP, etc) but it's been a long time since these eyeballs have peeped anything having to do with Rock Star (except this hilarious "Where Are They Now?" update from Moist Rub at Leperpop ) in foreveragesago, so a refresher from you guys would be great.

We'll try and make this a good once since there is a chance it may be the last update on RSFT history. (We'd totally still watch a third season, Burnett! Even if you ripped our hearts out and shit in the hole last time!)

-Gina

Week Eight: Based on the Rules of Pure Principle

2006-12-14T11:02:00.001-08:00

Why go on?

This is the question I have been asking myself since the first time I saw the second season of RockStar: The Three Losers and their Desperate Attempt to Kick it with the Cool Kids...or
"RS: Supernova," for short. But as lazy and sad as Gina and I are, we are just as stubborn. We will prevail. In the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, never, never give up."

Okay...we're not talking Nazi invasion, or whatever, but this is definitely our WWII. I want the four people who might still read this to realize...we are fighting for you...for those we have never seen...for the freedom to live in a world without the horrors brought by bad rockstar fashion. We are living for pure principle here. And coming from two ladies who believe in very, very little in this crazy, little world...well...we just hope you appreciate the effort.

MAGNI

CRYSTAL: The part of the 90s that I miss the most is the skit on Saturday Night Live with David Spade and Adam Sandler playing the two snooty girls who worked at The Gap who always told the clueless bitches trying on giant pantaloons to "Just cinch it!" Hilarious. (David Spade can father my kids any day.) I like to believe that in Iceland they are just now getting those episodes of SNL broadcast for the first time on government access and Magni is having his wife tape them while he was in LA so he wouldn't miss a single episode. I say all this (I have a point, I swear!) because he has cinched, I see. Making his package look wierdly out of place below his belly. Pleats in the pants=BAD FOREIGNER. Foreign or not, cinching is all but illeagel here in the Americas. That's it, I'm calling Immigration.

GINA: I spent my Thanksgiving weekend in lovely Fort Wayne, IN...aka the most depressing place on earth (sorry, Fort Wayneites. It's not like St. Louis is that much better) There used to be these commericals there, for this place called, like, Pierre's or some shit. I don't remember exactly. BUT they were awesome because they'd show some guy, who looks just like Magni, same outfit and all, and would do that cheap video production trick where they outline your face in teal or some other obnoxiously bright hue, while the dude is making sexy faces and white guy dancing. It pretty much looks like an episode of Wayne's World. Except they are actually trying.

CRYSTAL: I think we're all dying to know, Gina, what exactly was Pierre's??

GINA: The hottest rock and roll spot in Fort Wayne, IN. I don't know, I never went there. I commericals were so visceral that I felt like I'd already been, so I never bothered.

RYAN

CRYSTAL: You see that red leaf in the midst of the gray ones on Ryan's $60 t-shirt? That's the symbol of my dead love for him. He got my "dear john" letter after the last show and he has been trying to find meaning in this world gone bone-stinking rotten. You see his pleading face? It's so tired and pathetic. It's saying, "Crystal, Crystal, why? You're forcing me to do this, Crystal. I'm going to have to...I mean I just might...Look, you've left me no choice...I'm going to...write a song about all this!"
I might give him a second chance though. It's been a pretty slow year. The song can't be that bad, right?

GINA: Ryan once again bypassed sexy and wound up confused looking. His face reminds me of the expression ones uses when your dude friends think it's funny to fart on you. That's the exact look he has on his face. Like, "Why? What did I do to you? That's not funny, can't you tell I'm a GIRL?!"

LUKASS

CRYSTAL: I was racking my brain to figure out what horrible childhood nightmare Lukas must have faced to fake this pint-sized bravado and pretend he wasn't ruthlessly teased and tormented as a teenager. I've read that he was watching Sid and Nancy for the umpteenth time after a particularly bad day of having his arm punched and shins kicked and decided that an uber-hip Sid Vicious was the person he would become...just as soon as highschool was over. But he got it a little wrong and ended up as a punk rock drag queen impersonator with some sort of mutant accent, and a strong desire to hang with rejects from the planet SoOldItsEmbarassing.

GINA: You know what my problem is? That everyone's clothes are so boring that I have to start talking about myself and anything else that doesn't have to do with fashion. So here I go once again. MC Cocksucker reminds me of this old guy that used to go to shows all the time back when I would go to shows all the time.(Before I realized how awesome being a homebody recluse could be) He would describe himself as punk with no irony, he still rocked the studded leather jacket, the stupid hair, the whole nine. I always felt sorry for him, because I think anyone that still identifies with punk rock and rebellion after age 35 is probably one of the most pathetic things a human can do to himself. It speaks of a stunning immaturtity and acceptance of reality.

Needless to say, Lukas is dredging up the same feelings of pity and embarassment. But I also started to feel embarassed for him soon after he won the show, anyway, (good luck with that on the long term, Luc!) so who can tell if it's that or the I'm 30 and still a punk vibe I get from him.

DILANA

CRYSTAL: This picture is the Rockstar equivilent of Bush standing on a giant docked freighter with a large banner in the background proclaiming "Mission Accomplished!" The Black Fairy Elf Dilana feels like she's got this shit in the bag. And that bag's covered in tulle and not leaking or ANYTHING. If I hadn't had my feelings surgically removed with a bothersome mole 'bout 5 years back I might feel bad since I know how this whole socially retarded experiment ends. (With Dillsy crying in a corner, writing super awesome poetry about being a loser and drinking Jose Quervo straight from the greasy-handed, lipstick stained bottle.) Alas, I'm still kinda giggling about it.

GINA: My God, what did they do to her face? She looks like a female Noseferatu. I'm beginning to think that the makeup artists idea of wrinkle hiding foundations consists of multiple layers of thick, goopy, oil paints applied until the person is nothing but slick, tan, skin, and tiny, tiny, eyes.

STORM

CRYSTAL: Did Storm think this was an audition for the Bangles Family Reunion? Ahhhh, lady. How long has it been since walking like an Egyption was cool? Was it...ever...cool? I'm way too young to know one way or the other but I can state with a tremendous amount of certainty that Storm looks not so cool. And amazingly, this time, it's not because of the garb she's doning (although, wtf?, suspenders? body chains?). But Storm is far too awful of a dresser to get all hung up on the fact she is always stealing clothes from her older, slightly fem, brother. Nope, this time, its all in that pose. Even the look on her face is saying, "Oh Jesus H. Christ, even I can't believe I'm doing this."

GINA: Alright, goddammit, I'm starting to get pissed. They do have a stylist this year, and I never mentioned him because I thought he was doing a slightly better job than EM and he wasn't on the show, and all in my grill like EM. But this is it. You suck, (hold on have to go look up his name) Miles Siggins, you FUCKING SUCK. At least with EM there was an entertainment factor, something to look at, every once in awhile there was something other than FUCKING BLACK and it's sister colors. Look at Storm. She always looks like she buys her shit exclusively at garage sales and that she never tries anything on, and that she has no idea about what would look good on her. You're telling me that you can't convince her to wear something different? Don't you notice the weeks after unending weeks of black? Are you color blind or retarded? Seriously, I just want to know.

PATRICE

CRYSTAL: As the old Shakespearean adage goes, some are born with thunder theighs, some achieve thunder theighs, and some have thunder theighs thrust upon them. Such is the price you pay with skinny jeans...you have thunder theighs thrust upon you...and us...for that matter. Patrice, as much as I hatechu, let me give you an easy rule of thumb: If anyone ever hands you a pair of skinny jeans and you are not 98 pounds or less, Just Say No Thanks. Easy enough? Good. I've just exhausted myself from being so nice to you.

GINA: For this being Patrice, queen of the nonsensical outfit, she looks pretty good. I don't think her thighs really look that big. She isn't porportioned well enough to pull off the skinny jeans (You aren't Zayra, bitch) but I've seen worse. And also, you can't really just weigh 98 pounds, you also have to be like 5'9. But you know, people are going to insist on embarassing themselves, anyway.

TOBY

CRYSTAL: Toby! Tobester! Tobias! Yeah. I got nothin'.

GINA: Toby is looking very white rapper in this photo. Which, are there any white, Austrailian rappers? I know that I personally adore Hipspanic hip hop (especially when they sample that toodling Mexican restaurant music) but I think Aussie would be even better. Alright, Toby, I think I found your niche. You're gonna be a star, kid, you're gonna be a star!

The St. Louis Cardinals: A Fashion Tragedy

2006-10-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, here we are with a special update of Fashion Tragedy. Crystal was all ready to get started on week eight, but I convinced her that we should do this instead. So, sorry if any of the twenty of you are disappointed. We'll be bringing week eight about a month or so from now, or you know, when we get around to it. We are hoping the next season won't suck so bad and make us want to die, therefore making these upadates more frequent.

Crystal and I have mentioned many times that we hail from the "biggest small town" in the US, humble St. Louis, MO. (or suburbs within it's proximity, but you get the idea) I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we've devoted quite a bit of time to acting like we are not from here, but neither of us can escape one geographical truism.

If you are from St. Louis, you love the Cardinals.

I'm not going to pretend like I know anything about baseball, or stats, or whether or not Tony La Russa is overrated or any of that bullshit. Cardinal games are my summer time back up station to be viewed during commercials. Or to be played muted in the background and be paid half attention to. I could give a shit about baseball, if it's not Cardinals, I'm not watching it. Just to make my crippling lack of knowledge clear.

We bring you a special Cardinals World Series edition of Fashion Tragedy. We have experience in making things up about baseball players, and will someday chronicle the adventures of Mrs. Todd Van Popple: Baseball Wife. (and Todd Van Popple isn't a Cardinal, but a Red, at least when we saw them play at Busch last year...also worst, funniest, name EVER)

We kid because we love. The fact that I can go to a game, pay $30 for a shitty seat, pay $12 for a 32 oz 3.5% near-beer, pay $10 to park half a mile from the stadium, and eat $7 nachos and not feel like I've been dry fucked up the ass four times bespeaks at least some small amount of genuine affection. So anyway, on with the show.

JEFF WEAVER

GINA: The best part about Jeff Weaver, aside from him suddenly transforming himself into a good pitcher, is that you can tell from one look that his favorite band is Metallica, that he owns more than on Sepultura album and has strong opinions about Iron Maiden. On this blog I have made several references to "that metal kid you were friends with in high school." In case you never had such a friend, I implore you to just imagine Jeff Weaver instead. Pitchers have tendency to look white trash, (see Randy Johnson) but Weaver looks like he runs a meth lab out of his basement, God love him.

YADIER MOLINA

GINA: Yadi looks like he just stepped off the set of The Little Rascals: A New Generation. A lot is said about David Eckstein looking like he's ten (thank you Joe Buck, for making me think you were drunk during game one when you pointed that out to the nation) but if that's true, then Molina looks about eight. Even his hat is slightly too big for him. Throw in that little grin, and you have the pluckiest pre pubescent to ever play major league ball.

SCOTT SPEZIO

GINA: Scott Spezio has done his best to try and make me hate him this post season. You know how earlier on I said I spent a lot of time pretending I'm not from St. Louis? This is a perfect example of why. I am very against dyeing your facial hair in general, and I cannot condone my city's adoption of it. I spend most of the game hiding my head in shame at the notion that people sport these facial atrocities without any thought to their pride or self respect. Why can't we adopt something cool, like Ronnie Belliard's new afro puff?(note: the puff is now a thing of the past, he's put the cornrows back in. I still love his entire attitude, though) That's something I could get behind.

SO TAGUCHI

GINA: I will admit to you right now that So Taguchi is probably my favorite Cardinal (Pujols aside, as a given) and yes it is because he's Asian. I can't explain it, but sometimes I get these stirrings of ethnic pride, even though he's Japanese and not Korean. And after game two of the NLCS I hope people will finally recognize him as I've always known him. So Taguchi: The Littlest Hero.

JEFF SUPPAN

GINA: And finally we bookend with another pitcher, Jeff Suppan. Suppan is awesome because he looks like he should be the manager the Olive Garden in Maryland Heights. Seriously, can't you see him in a tie, aplogizing for the crappy fettuncine and comping your meal? If a player ever looked like he is from the city he plays in, it is him. He is the Magni of the Cardinals. Nice, talented, and boring as shit.

Alright guys, Crystal got tired, so it's just me. A sort of lame post, I know, but eh, what are you gonna do? Better than nothing, right?

Let me just end with a very sincere, GO CARDS!

gina

Week Seven-It's My Birthday and I Hate Myself

2006-09-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. Here we are, a couple of weeks later, and I can no further put off another installment. Today is my birthday (well, the day I started this is, this could be posted anywhere from one week to one year from today) and I as looked back on all 25 bitter and hateful years, I felt like I needed some punishment. So here I am...doing this...again....

xoxoxo

gina

STORM

GINA: It's a man's suit. Straight up. I can't decided who it is that let her borrow it, but I have ruled out Dave, Lukas, and Jason, as her legs alone are taller than they are. Maybe it's an ex-boyfriend's, her dead grandpa's, whatever. Making sure your bra is peeking out the top does nothing to feminize the cut or to remedy that unsightly bunching at the ankles. The last thing the world needs is really tall women in pants that are too long. I know it probably makes you tall broads feel a bit more delicate, but it makes me laugh, and I don't want to laugh at you, Storm. I really don't. Or at any of you other lucky-fuck tall bitches.

CRYSTAL: Guh. To quote Janeane Garafalo in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Storm, "is being an idiot [about fashion] like being high...all the time?" Please tell me you hit the pipe while listening to the b-sides of The Talking Heads albums as you picked out this...this...worst outfit ever? Just ever. How do you go wrong time and time again? And its not like you are not trying. I would have a little more respect for the "who gives a fuck" attitude...but she obviously thinks about these trainwrecks. It's high time she start suppressing her natural urge for tragedy and stop making my brain bleed.

GINA: Storm, seriously, myspace friend us or something. WE CAN HELP YOU.

MAGNI

GINA: The man sure does love his Jesus poses, doesn't he? He looks like he is announcing to the house: "Come, my children. I, Magni son of Rock, have turned wine into cocaine, so that we may partake in the true teachings of Rock and Roll. Freebase, friends. Snort until your heart's content. Rock will provide." And then he really regrets the whole idea when Toby starts telling stories about how he was selling like, at least, ten pounds of the stuff a few years ago. But he never got busted because he was always one step ahead of the cops or some other such bullshit. And everyone's like, "Yeah, Toby, you used to be a drug dealer. That's really cool." and he doesn't realize they're being sarcastic.

Hmmm...I probably should have saved that for the Toby critique. Shit.

CRYSTAL: CALLING ALL DON JOHNSON VIA MIAMI VICE HALLOWEEN COSTUMERS, OH YEAH, I MEAN YOU MAGNI--- I'm gonna say to you the same I say to my inmates who have begun to get on my last nerve...go find somewhere to sit down and be quiet before you get locked down.

GINA: Even in this highly mockable suit, he still finds a way to bore the living shit out of me. And I sort of liked him.

RYAN

GINA: Oh Ryan, as the weeks go by you become more and more twee, which as our first season readers will know, makes me feel all "this is where the stranger touched me" and grossed out. He looks like he writes cheesy vampire novels and this is what he would wear to his book signing, where he'd look all self important and fakely "sensitive", much as he does in this photo. He totally buys his own bullshit, and it's sort of sad.

CRYSTAL: Oh dammit. The shame is finally surfacing. He looks like an ad for a Hot Topic goth coat. Even I, in my infinite caustic genius, cannot come up with anything to pretend Ryan is beyond a New Age Edward Rochester from Jane Eyre. I am actually weeping now. My sadness built on months and months of surpressing this guilt of liking Ryan and now its all bubbling like a totally humiliting volcano. This is about the time I find myself eating Hostess cupcakes on the floor of my closet until morning. I'll talk to you guys laters.

GINA: Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Think of this photo like using hydrogen peroxide to clean up a scraped knee. You apply it intially, and nothing really happens, then all the sudden shit starts bubbling and burning, but it's over with quickly enough and you are left sanitary and clean. This was just Ryan's way of releasing you from the guilt and shame. I'm glad you finally see the tool beneath the pretty exterior, Crystal. Sincerely.

CRYSTAL: Look. Don't get too excited. We'll have to see what he's wearing next week. I could still totally change my tune. I've gone back and forth with Matt Damon for years.

Toby

GINA: Now this is how I like Toby. One look at him and I am magically transported to an unnamed music festival, and Toby is the guy who asks if you know where he can get a bag. And then tries to sell you Ectasy. These rolls aren't dopey at all! Pure MDMA! When I meet people like this in real life, I generally wish they would just go far, far, away from me, but drug dealers in my head are always sort of, like, loveable doofuses.

CRYSTAL: You know what would make this outfit better? Death. Sweet, sweet, death. Why is it that Toby's clothes ALWAYS looked like he picked them off the floor, gave them a second smell, and put on the cleanest of the dirtiest? Toby. Go ahead and throw that couture in the washing machine with a little Tide. American made couture can totally take it.

GINA: Toby is totally a "Throw it in the machine with a dryer sheet for 15 minutes" kind of guy. My best friend growing up had an older brother that also subsribed to that method of "washing". We used to sit in the kitchen while he smelled all of his dirty, disgusting, shirts (he was a GIANT stoner hippie and addtionally SUPER hot which I always feel the need to clairify for some reason. The only reason I never had a crush on him was the hippie factor. It was enough to far outweigh the hot. He was really, really, cute, though. Which I guess somewhat explains why he got away with this.) and picked out the one that smelled the least, threw it in the dryer with a sheet and viola! One "clean" shirt!

MC COCKSUCKER

GINA: So Lukas looks like he's just about to take a load on the face from Tommy Lee. That's why he got the job, actually. After so many years of debauchery and orgies on the road, Tommy has developed an unnatural fetish. Seeing midgets covered in his own...you know. It's okay, you can tell from how Lukas has his head thrown jauntily back that this is probably no big punishment for him. He's all, Well, this is still better that being not marginally famous, right? I mean that midget that followed Kid Rock around got to be a professional wrestler. I can parlay this shit, easy.

CRYSTAL: Sooooo...another crucifix, Lukas? No, yeah, I mean, it does have a same effect from the other 25 you've worn on this show. And yep, you are so right, it still has that badboy vibe about the whole thing...that whole tempestuous, rebelling yelling, patron saint of all assholes vibe. And that painter's tape cross on your arm? So very...very...ALRIGHT, I CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE...Lukas even your clothes and style have bored me to oblivion. I feel like I'm being forced to re-read Waiting for Godot. You are in no way talented or cool, you poser. And I can say that confidently, being both, of course.

GINA: Crystal that is two literary references in one post. You are a formidable intellectual. Yeah, and I am in total agreement with you about Waiting for Godot, or Waiting for This Shit to End, as I call it.

CRYSTAL: I am such a loser.

PATRICE

GINA: If you have ever wondered how I can hate Patrice so much, allow me to point it out to you. It may have something to do with heeled combat boots, bike shorts, and vagina paneling. It may also pertain to a button up winter-looking jacket with aforementioned bike shorts. It could be that from the boobs up she doesn't look like a pukey mess, making the lower half even more enraging. How appropriate that she scavenged Jill's closet. Two sides of the same bitchy coin, those two. Aaaaaaaaand? I still hate her.

CRYSTAL: If there ever was a whore off on a reality television competition I would hope it would be between Patrice and Jill. Because, in all seriousness, whoever lost, WE'D still come out winners. You know, since they were both kicked off the show I think I could put this whole thing together. I could get some sort of catwalk, a blow up pool, some homemade cactus jelly ('cause it smells weird), a few bike shorts and cone bras...we could have ourselves the best whore off there ever was! Anyone intested in an invite, just email us!

GINA: Did you ever see the South Park episode where Mr. Slave gets into a Whore Off with Paris Hilton? You should, it's pretty awesome. Network Execs, if you're reading, Crystal's onto a great idea. The best of reality show whores duke it out, eventually crowning the Biggest Whore in the World. I've got Trishelle from the Real World on line two, and she is ready whenever you are.

CRYSTAL: How sad is it that I know Trishelle's name as well as my own?

DILANA

GINA: Since I am, at any given time, about 2 years behind the rest of the world, I have just discovered the absolute pleasure that is the HBO original series Deadwood. I love any show that uses the words cocksucker and fuck as liberally as I do in my own life. Anyway, from the moment I laid eyes on the whores in Al Swearengen's brothel, I was acutely reminded of Dilana, who looks just as rough and is often dressed for the period. Well, except that the whores on Deadwood have slightly better taste. So now, when I see good ol' Dil, I pretty much just wish that Al Swearengen would show up, drop a nugget or two of his hilarious, hilarious wisdom (i.e. "Declare or shut the fuck up", "Lying causes cat-piss smell" and "That man is fucking cuntstruck") and have Dan Dority take his knife to her. Oh, Al Swearengen, how I wish you were real. And that we were friends.

CRYSTAL: Gina, I'm surprised that we've never shared our Swearengen love talk...he is the ONLY reason I watch that show. The best motherfucking curser that ever cursed a motherfucking word. And how great is it that his last name actually has "swear" in it? Okay...back to Dil...

GINA: No, fuck Dilana, I would much rather talk about Al Swearengen. He doesn't wear mail order costume whore ensembles and display a palpable pathological neediness. Anyway, how can you not love Johnny? ("I've been waiting for this moment, Al, ever since you give me that Indian head to take care of.") Or Dan???!! Pretty much everyone that works at the Gem is what makes the show so good. Seriously, I really fucking love Deadwood. I'm an only child, my father had to make due with what he had, so consequently, I have a childhood ripe with Westerns and professional wrestling. If you have any affection for Westerns at all, check it out. It goes against genre in a really awesome, hilarious, way.

CRYSTAL: You're right. I like the show for all those colorful people at the beautifully earthy "Gem." And thank you, very much, for saving me from having to critique Dilana. She's sooo not as interesting as true whores and pimps.

Week Six--Blame it on the Rain

2006-09-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

I know we are several weeks behind in our blog but I can't help but to skip ahead to the current events that took place on last Wednesday night:

As the Rolling Stones once sadly sang, "Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged. There's a pain where there once was a heart..." I too feel the pain where there once was a little scrap of heart left. The producers have decided they do not want Gina and myself to watch any more episodes of Rockstar and created the dasterdly plan of kicking off the last person to redeem that pile of rotting animal carcass. Storm has been deleted and she was the last scion to revive this aging hard rock band. Supernoo!va can continue without her, to be sure, but the best they can hope for now is half a one hit wonder and their one lame, sold out show on New Year's Eve.

Enjoy it, Super'tards. But know this, I won't be spending my money on you.

Storm

Crystal: Is there a heavy Storm brewing? That's some strong wind in that Storm. That Large Storm is really blowing her back...Oh, why do I love bad puns so much? I'll probably never know. Storm is doing her best mime of being blown away in a Tornado of Bad Fashion this week in her boyfriend's old white, carpenter jeans and her trashy cuz's wifebeater. I think Storm likes bad, cheap fashion taste as much as I like to make an ass of myself telling bad jokes. Storm, you and your naturally humorous name deserve better. It's just a shame that our blog isn't read by the likes of reality show contestants...or many other people.

GINA: Awww, Storm....Storm, you have no idea what you are doing. I love you, you are the only person that I thought was super-talented and awesome. (y'know versus Zayra, who was mostly just awesome with occasional two-second glimpes of talent) But darling, you look like you're calling over the Beer Man while watching the drag races at the Gateway International Raceway. That's not a compliment.

Patrice

Crystal: Is it the photographer telling everyone to make a stupid face and pose with some old, lame ass gesture or are the rockers just coming into themselves? I vote the latter. The peace making machine that is Patrice has decided that prepubescent ponytails are the way to go this week so she can finally obtain the vote from the constinuency of the last of the desperate hussy's...pedophiles. Unfortunatly for Gina and myself, and anyone else as sick of this old lady as we are, it's probably those votes that kept her in the competition for so long. This outfit is not so bad, I guess, for her, but the scarf is stupid. When I am Queen I am going to make the law that scarfs are only to be worn when it's cold outside or if someone cute wants to wear one (See: Karl Pilkington. He's the one in the background with the "perfectly round head.")

GINA: I like how it looks like they poured wax all over her face to mask the wrinkles. You aren't fooling anyone, you over the hill, desperate, clinging to your youth, whining, phony, worthless, lying, laughable hag. Yup, looks like I still fucking hate her. It's nice to have a constant in your life.

Toby

Crystal: Suspender's again? Is this his "peacock" or "peacocking" or whatever the fuck that cock Dave Nevarro called it last season? Do we have to keep putting up with all that...because I don't believe for one minute that Toby has ever worn suspenders the correct way and therefore makes me believe that he's lying about other things...like having any talent.
And! You know what I just realized suspenders not worn correctly remind me of? Skinheads. All that's missing in this pic is a shaved head and one big sieg heil.

GINA: And to add to your skinhead vibe, I might add that his suspenders are red. If he starts sporting combat boots with red laces in them, we might be in store for the reailty television version of Romper Stomper. That means that the SuperAssholes would talk less, right? I'm okay with Neo Nazis and kicking ethnic ass if it means I get to spend one less second listening to the soul sucking void that is Tommy Lee's voice. I liked Toby a lot better when he looked like a drug dealer.

CRYSTAL: Here. Here. Drug dealer is a lot better than racist. I should know. I work with criminals daily.

Jill

Crystal: Girl you know it's true. Oh Oh Oh I loathe you! Oh, and Jill, you look like Milli Vanilli. And you even dance like Milli Vanilli! How did you remember that routine from so long ago? All that's missing was Fab. Or Rob. Alright, it doesn't matter. Jill, you look like a recycled, bike shorts wearing, zero talented dimwit. It was my pleasure that this was your last worthless performance. You certainly went out with a great big smile on my face. You can blame it on the rain if you want, but after this show I hope you realize the truth. It's you.

GINA: I've spent the last fifteen minutes or so trying to get ahold of Jill's logic for wearing BIKE SHORTS on television. The best I can do is that she's noticed the god foresaken trend of reviving the early 90's in fashion as of late. (Guys, let's all remember that 80% of the fun of 90210 re-runs is making fun of the clothes) It's like she made this jump from leggins being acceptable (which, NO....it's not....they will never learn if people keep on wearing them) to bike shorts, because that'd be real cutting edge and shit. Instead she looks like Whorish Kimmy Gibbler, like if she dyed her hair blonde and got big, fake, tits, and was tired of living in DJ Tanner's shadow, and she moved to LA and one day someone took a picture of a nasty, homeless looking stranger sucking on her tit at a Wendy's. Oh wait, that last part was Courtney Love, but we all know Jill wants to be her, so it fits.

Dilana

Crystal: One of the funniest quotes I heard was on the Internet Reality Show after Dilana ran around the pool naked. Being at my utmost laziest I am not going back to see who said it and what was spoken verbatim. I think it was Toby who said she looked like a "twelve year old boy with a wig." He was talking about Dilana's figure and truer words were never spoken. She has some sort of abhorant gift of dressing herself in the least womanly way and instead transpires into a midget with a dirty complection and a voice coated in tar. Not only the figure but Dilana is unattractive in the way that a horse is when rode hard and put away wet. Lady better start moisturizing or something...can you imagine what she's gonna look like at 60? Eww.

GINA: You'll have to forgive me, I'm having a bit of a sympathetic moment for Dilana. You had this thing wrapped up, and I don't know what came over you, be it some subconcious need to sabatoge yourself, or a prematurely inflated ego, but you were your worst competition and you choked. I do feel like you were robbed, but mostly I just wanted anyone but Lukas to win. You've not only disappointed your real fans, but you've disappointed me. I think we both know which one is more important.

CRYSTAL: Since I began to hate Dilana for her desperation and fake ploy to gain sympathy votes with the whole "ouch, I pulled something in my leg that is literally only 9 inches long. Now what can I do with this strand of fake flowers and this crutch to show I'm still a contender?" I couldn't have cared less that she lost out. Dil, once you've gone against me, it takes a miracle of John Travolta's second coming to get back in my good graces.

Magni

Crystal: I know. I know people like this man. I realize he's a likable guy and people like his singing and sensitivity and blah. I'm just uber bored with him. I do not enjoy his style of music/singing/clothing/soul patch/iclandicness and frankly I hope that he IS chosen as the new lead singer because, really, I could use another excuse to never pay this "band" any attention again once this blog is over and done. Good Lord, when will it be over and done?

GINA: At this rate, roughly when Rock Star 3 airs. I do wonder if people even read this anymore, because I know that I can't be bothered with anything about this show outside of suffering through the broadcast. (besides Leperpop, of course) The worst part is that by procrastinating, we have only forced ourselves to linger in this Rock Star black hole even longer than the rest of the general population. So, yeah, gonna agree with Crystal that Magni is boring, because I literally couldn't think of anything to say about him other than that he looks like he would be...like...my cousin's husband, not that he looks like any of my cousins' husbands, but he just has this general familiar blandness about him. To quote Toby, EVS.

CRYSTAL: Holy shit. I just did a calculation of how long this is going to take to finish this blog at the rate we're going to how many more weeks we have to go...and...I'm gonna go buy a shotgun. Gina, I'll take you out first for the humanity. That's the kind of friend I am.

GINA: I am so glad that we became friends despite the fact that when we met my dorky friends and your dorky friends hated each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Josh

Crystal: Leave it to Josh to finally start acting cool on this show once he gets the boot. I found him utterly endearing when he turned to the band after he was ousted and asked "Does this mean I can't go to Vegas?" Aww. Josh, man, you're one of those guys where in real life I wouldn't like anything about you but couldn't help myself to get excited when you stopped by my table at the bar to say "hi."

By the way, I really like his pose here. I'll give you an insider's hint. The thought bubble would read, "Fuck it, FashionTragedy. I'm going home ANYWAY."

GINA: Jesus, Josh, was that so fucking hard? Was that worth five weeks of mockery? Or was this all part of your clever plan so that we wouldn't make fun of your half tucked shirt and craft fair necklaces? If I saw this guy in a bar, I would hate him instantly, but as it stands, it's Josh, and he looks pretty decent and like he's living in 2006 and he's gone after this week, anyway.

Zayra

Crystal: If there was any ever doubt that Zayra is carrying around a pair of solid brass balls under that sunfire gold bodysuit, you have to be delusional. In fact, what Zayra lacks in talent, she makes up with those balls tenfold. As if I couldn't have any more awe for this woman she emerges on the stage this week to sing one of my all time favorite songs in nothing more than gold body paint and owns the motherloving stage. Mott the Hoople, people, the girl sang Mott the Hoople. Even with our disagreements...you have to give me that.

GINA: I hated this outfit on the show, she made me regret all the nice things I said about her. If your name isn't Slash, don't wear a top hat. End of story. Now for the big, fat, HOWEVER. If there was one way that this ensemble was going to work, it is with that pose she is doing right now for the picture. I like how many of our rockers went for cutesy, "cool", tough poses this week and Zayra is the only one to pull it off. Kudos to you, you ballsy, utterly cool, broad.

Lukas

Crystal: Lukas' jackets are getting more perverse and the material is looking a little too much like a Kayne creation from Project Runway. For those of you unfamiliar with the third season contestants of Project Runway (for shame!) that's an insult. Kayne, a beauty pagent gown designer, has a weakness for all that is tacky. And what's with Mrs. Ritchie's Lucky Star glove? Lukas, dude, you're not that cool. You can not get away with just anything. You're still from Canada afterall (shout out to all our Canadian readers!) and you have that indistinguishable accent. Which is really just annoying. To Americans.

GINA: Awww, don't dis on Kayne! He's better that fucking Jeffery, who reminds me of my favorite contestant, MC Cocksucker. Who looks really good this week. I like his jacket and even his stupid Madonna glove. I guess we're not going to pretend like we don't know he won. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE WON? This summer has been the betrayal of all I knew and loved about Rock Star. On the upside, I never have to hear his crappy orginal song ever again for as long as I live. I watch Rock Star while on the treadmill, watching the little TV attached to it at the gym. For the past two weeks, I've unplugged my headphones during MC Cocksucker's performances and instead listened to the music the gym pipes in. I found that I would rather listen to these songs rather than Lukas:

1. The "You Gotta Be" song that was featured heavily in Magnolia
2. Breathe by Faith Hill
3. Desperado by the FUCKING EAGLES (which if you knew me at all, is like, almost unthinkable, if it were Hotel California, I probably would have put the headphones back in)
4. Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
5. That really awful "Come my lady, come, come, my lady" ditty by that band with the rapper dude that had really shitty tattoos and bad spiked hair.

If that's not hate, then I don't know what is. Now I know how all those JD haters felt last year. It's icky.

Ryan

Crystal: Ahem. Okay, Gina, here's The Hoodie. Here's the prob with this whole brainstorm Ryan came up with this week. Firstly, Brooke introduced him by saying, "Ryan is somewhere in this room..." Then we magically found him onstage (as there might have been some doubt as to whether he could pull off the performance while in the john) and he sang "Paint it Black" and decided to make a friggin' goth girl fantasy out of it. "Paint it Black" is a very descriptive song with very potent imagery. Ryan, it doesn't need to be acted out. I was so embarassed during his performance (complete with painted black eyes) that I almost found him unattractive. Thankfully, the song is not that long...I can forget a lot when things only last three minutes. Like, I pretty much already forgot what I was talking about here...ahh Ryan, try to stop disappointing me.

GINA: AHAHAHAHAHA....if you'll excuse me for a minute, but, what a fucking FRUIT. Who the hell told him that this was a good idea? Crystal, I admire your tenacity, because I would never admit to being attracted to him ever again after this. I remember this performance clearly, as I started to laugh right away, and then he pulled his hoodie down and revealed his blackface, I had tears rolling down my own yellowface. Then, somewhere in between the reveal and the end, I started to feel really embarassed for him and couldn't even look at the television anymore. I don't like it when people make me feel guilty over their own oblivious retardation. Reminding me that I'm small and cruel only makes me more vicious.

CRYSTAL: Can we start calling me Tenacious C?? I think a nickname is long overdue. Look. Ryan has his good points. For instance, he is unbelievable hot. My personality pool is shallow enough that many times, it's all I need in a man.

GINA: Consider it done.

Week Five-Jesus, God in Heaven, How is This Shit Not Cancelled Yet?

2006-08-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, Gina here, trying to muster up enough energy to care about writing one word about these rockers for another week. Actually, I place the blame erroneously, this isn’t the rockers’ fault. The blame lies entirely with the respectively be-wigged, gaunt, and in love with the sound of his own voice douchebaggery of SuperNOOOOOva. Just to be clear.

As you all know, Crystal and I feel that RSFT is the center of the Rock Star Universe. So imagine my non-surprise when I clicked on the week five photo sets. They are trying to distract us from the clothes with really crappy lighting. It won’t work, you silly, simple, fools. I printed that shit out and there it was in all its wrinkled glory (seriously, dudes, rock stars bust out the iron every once in a while, too) highly detailed and still wet with stolen toner from my place of employment.

You have to forgive us, guys, for being slow and not as funny. This shits is hard. I am not as talented as some, like those boys over at Leperpop , Sid F’er and Moist Rub who manage to crank it out with no issues and have it be just as good as their previous stuff. Those fuckers. We kid, we kid. If RSFT were getting married, we’d want Leperpop to be our Maid of Honor.

So, in closing, Who knew that whatever small personal charm the boys of INXS possessed was what made the show good? That’s so fucked up.

WEEK FIVE

DANA

GINA: Dana gets my vote for Most Improved Rocker. Rarely is it on this show, that someone winds up looking a lot cooler coming out that they did going in. In fact, this may be a singular phenomena. I’m not a fan of the horns, as I’ve discussed here before, but Dana’s all naïve and shit, so I can forgive her because she truly probably didn’t know any better. She was just like “Rocker?” and that was the first thing she thought of. Dana grew on me over the weeks, with her wide eyed buffoonery. Am I the only one that thinks it was a sin that she went home before the Evil Overlord of toothy, middle aged women, Patrice?

CRYSTAL: It's been so long since I've written anything for this post I had completely forgotten about Dana. I'm trying right now to rack my brain and remember that she had improved because this picture is reminiscent of some kind of secondary actress in the cast of My Name is Earl. I'm not trying to be the world's BIGGEST bitch, but Dana really represents the idea that all American's are genetic mutts...and some of us get the shit end of that stick. She looks like she is straight out of Kid Rock's family line where you can't escape your mother's womb without a penchant for throwing horns and going barefoot. Let's just wrap this up by saying its not the most flattering picture of Dana...that's what I was getting at.

DILANA

GINA: Knowing her like I do, I am surprised that the transparent cut outs in her pants were not placed on her inner thigh, rather than the outer. I don’t think for one second that Dilana would have any sort of problem with exposing her womanly parts to an international audience. You know, honestly, I think these may have worked if they didn’t make her look so short and stumpy. I think we all learned from Zayra that you can work almost anything if you have enough confidence, which I think Dil has. But they fit weird and make her look like she doesn’t have knees and are giving the impression that she is a much meatier girl that she actually is.

CRYSTAL: I don't have anything against a man-hating lesbian fronting a band full of misgonistic, sexist, whore purchasing, dirty, hairy, over the hill men but does Dilana have to wear clothes that were once pieces of SuperOsteoporosis' motorcycle saddle bags? If I were in a bar and this scarehard was walking towards me I would quickly tell my nearest friend that she was going to be my girlfriend for the night so I wouldn't get hit on by the big 'ol lesbo who thinks she's doing ads for Harley Davidson.

JILL

GINA: Jill looks evermore like a stripper this week. Whereas before she seemed like the kind that thought she was too good for all of it, this week she looks like she’ll give you a handjob in the Fantasy Room for 15 extra bucks. I think what bothers me most about Jill is that she is basically worthless beyond her huge, fake, tits and bleached blonde hair. If it were not for those two things, she would not be here. And yet, she thinks she is the awesomest bitch to ever awesome. It’s enough to make you want to strangle her. ALL YOU ARE IS HAIR AND TITS, JILL. LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

CRYSTAL: You know the best part about my Favorite Rawker of all time is that not only are those fake tits but all that hair isn't her's either. For our Next Enstallment: So lets remember far, far back to her performance this night. She tortured the Simple Minds song "Don't You Forget About Me." A classic from the soundtrack of an Institution movie. What exactly made it so bad, you may ask? Well, first off, Jill was singing. Not only was she singing, but she decided to scream out most of the song in what she thought was real RAWK star style. She also pranced around the stage like she was Madonna fucking Ciccone on hip-hop steroids. She made a huge giant 'hole of herself and ruined parts of every redblooded 80s junkie's childhood memories. In one fell swoop Jill has caused so much pain and suffering...why should one tiny woman have that much power? Who the hell does she think she is?

TOBY

GINA: I remember in high school, when some of my friends were going through a self described “punk phase” they would wear suspenders in the same manner that Toby does here. Then the other group of upper middle class, suburban, white, “punks” got mad at my friends for aping their style. It soon devolved into some sort of privileged, pubescent, “punk rock” war. Over some ugly, dumb looking suspenders. Why I didn’t kill myself then, I don’t know. I guess because I justified it by saying, “Well, I’m not wearing any stupid fucking suspenders, so this doesn’t affect me”. So yeah, suspenders always bring back painful adolescent memories of uttering phrases like, “He thinks he’s so punk.” And “Guttermouth is the best band ever!”

Oh my, that’s embarrassing.

CRYSTAL: Hold the phone. We had wars of this caliber in highschool? Where WAS I for four years? Was there a desperate search for WMDs and did we have UN backing? Did we have a French backlash and have to start buying freedom fries and americana burgers in the cafeteria? Tell me! I need to know! I missed so much watching televsion.

Gina, can I just say, that as pure solid gold dork as my friends were in highschool, I'm very thankful for all of them right now.
Toby, you look fine. I don't like the suspenders, but, we already know you're "so punk."

PATRICE

GINA: Oh man, with her all bent over like that, showing off her “I fucked Coolio and stole his haircut” Mohawk, I wish for nothing more than to be there right at the moment they snapped this pic, purely so that I could kick her in the face as hard as I could. I’m pretty short, which is why she’d have to be bent over. I can’t think of anything in this world that would be more satisfying for me. No wait, take that back. I wish that Patrice would win the show and I could somehow lure them to my house, where I would lock them in a room and observe them as I slowly starved them to death. I picked starvation so that it would be assured that Tommy died first. Who said I wasn’t smart?

God, I hate this bitch. Hate her so much.

PATRICE: Fuck you, Patrice.
You and your WWF pose can suck it.
STOP FRONTING! YOU'RE NOT A HARD ASS!
I can't look at this photo and critique folks, I just, I wish she would find herself in the St. Louis County Jail stat. Those bitches would put her in her place.

MAGNI

GINA: Either he is wearing a shirt made of leather (which, it is this show, so that might not be wrong) or Magni needs to acquaint himself with an iron, because this shirt as is just makes him look like he has all kinds of extra folds of skin, like a Pug, or Jabba the Hutt, or of course, alternately, like Star Jones Reynolds. That aside, he looks like a meek boy here, all too long sleeves and giant jug ears. Where’s the swagger, Magni? Or maybe a little confidence?

CRYSTAL: I know Magni isn't gay so why is he wearing Teflon? He doesn't need the wipeable clothing, does he? ...of course, he is around so many middle aged women wearing enough makeup to make them think they look about 17 badass years old...hmmm...he could possibly wear this handy material clothing in case he happens to rub up against the likes of Jill or Patrice or Dilana, or, you know, Lukas.

RYAN

GINA: So…yeah…Ryan looks intense and is wearing all black. Yawn. You know what Crystal, I take it back again, you can have him. I’m with Mel. Ryan is nothing but an evil, war mongering, son of Zion. I mean, his hoodie says it all. Nothing says “I love starting wars” like the Mohawk hoodie, which is, unfortunately, not shown here. I like how Ryan maybe knew that the hoodie was dumb, because he doesn’t feature it in the pic, but that totally didn’t stop him from wearing it in front of millions of people on television. Yeah, nice decision, genius.

CRYSTAL: Gina, are you sure this was the episode where he wore the Mohawk hoodie? This was the week you first fell in love with him as he tapped on the keyboards to your heart. Wouldn't it be wonderful is Ryan was a deaf/mute? He could just sign how much love he has for me and he could play piano by himself in a dark room where I can pretend I hear it but really I've got Flava of Love up pretty loud on the TV. Then I wouldn't have to hear how generic he sings or how much he hates Patrice and I could bitch about her myself to a truely captive audience. Oh my god, now I know what I need in a boyfriend! I love breakthroughs. STL School for the Hearing Impaired here I come.

ZAYRA

GINA: So this is where she begins to get a little bit too ambitious for her own good, but…and hate me if you must, bitch is barely doing it, but she is making it work. She looks like the most popular girl in a superhero’s whorehouse, but I can’t hate on her confident stance and knowing smirk. I mean, she even wore gloves. How can you not respect that a little? I know I can’t.

CRYSTAL: Was Zayra in Sin City and I totally missed her? Seriously all, she needs her own Cabaret show, like, immediately. She could kick so much ass dancing and singing with over the top, over exposed, gay men and their tranny boyfriends. Rockstar: SuperGerentologyWard is just all wrong for her...she has way too much style for a rockband.

LUKAS

GINA: So you remember on the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and Will would turn his prep school jacket inside out because he was a loveable non-conformist from the ‘hood? I don’t know if any of you knew this, but Lukas obsessively collects Will Smith memorabilia, and this jacket is the actual jacket used in episode 3-22-A/N. That’s not the only throwback to the early 90’s in his attire. He is also rocking the gold chain clasp on said jacket, much in the manner of iconic rapper, M.C. Hammer. Actually, I kind of like that, from here on out, I will be referring to Lukas only as M.C. Cocksucker.

CRYSTAL: I like the idea that Lukas considers himself so cool he can "hang with the black folk" but choses to idolize the whitest black man ever (Will Smith). Because we all know real black guys would be completely apathetic to Lukas to his face, maybe even knocking knuckles, but when Lukas was gone there would be many a "that little white dude is fucked up," "yo, you sure he's white? he looks a little more keebler elf than white, man." "Straight. I could go fo some cookies right about now..." I could go for some cookies too, actually.

JOSH

GINA: Josh still looks like he had a record contract circa 1998 and had maybe a couple of minor radio hits and was unceremoniously dropped by his label a few years ago. He's still wearing the "rocker-lite" uniform of the era in a vain attempt to get pussy.

CRYSTAL: I just found out that Josh is from New Hampshire. No wonder he's so lame. No offense, Hampshirionians, but I think you guys only started using indoor plumbing some 20 years ago, right? I think I read that somewhere.

STORM

GINA: Storm is having her usual problem again, with her pants being a bit too short. This is what I mean about Storm and clothes. She should, God help me, be listening to the stylist more. He maybe would have told her that flat shoes would solve her problems. When Marty ran into the same problem last year, he rocked some striped socks and worked it like the King Bitch of fashion that he is. Storm is like the pot scubber on the King's estate. She's got a long way to go. Thankfully, she's awesome as a person and I am able to overlook her lack of asethetic ability. All in all, this esemble isn't so bad, considering that it's Storm.

CRYSTAL: The worst part is that Storm would look so kick ass is a well tailored black suit. That would be the absolute PERFECT look for her but what we end up with here is a cheap looking, whispy, too short, KMart failure. Storm! Email me! Remember it is rsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I will respond IMMEDIATLEY. I am always available for consultations.

Now, I know this post came in only a shade under a month from the last one...what??...so I'll provide my favorite people with this closing bit of hilarity.

Review from the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine:

The Band? The Panic Channel
The Star Count? 1 1/2 stars
The Review? The Debut disc from Dave Navarro's new band sounds a lot like a collection of rejected Foo Fighters tunes. Lead singer Steve Isaacs-best known from his days in the touring production of "Tommy"- sings every trite, earnest lyric in a faux Chris Cornell wail over ultra generico Navarro hard rock riffs. Sample line from the sappy power ballad "Why Cry": "I let you lie to me/ Plant seeds inside to see them grow/Only to leave them to die." Andy Greene.

"Ultra Generico" wah hah. Mr. Greene, the royal we, are pleased.

Week Four- Blue Suits Rock My Sad, Little World

2006-08-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

In a desperate attempt to keep the readers we have and perhaps have some of the new ones come back, I decided to stop punking around and do the next post.

So, Welcome Back!

I skimmed through an article by the new fashion stylist of Rockstar a couple weeks back. This man, who is not important enough to have his own little bio like our favorite fashion mavin, Ellie Mae, wrote that he is the one helping the rockers overcome styling obsticals such as 1. how many bracelets is deemed "too much?" Answer: no such thing. Or 2. can a faux hawk make my face skinnier? Answer: Always! The most interesting part of the article was the statement that, and this is not verbatim because I can't find the article again, said that he helps the rockers pick and chose the look that suits them best, but since they are Rawkers, they can tell him to shove it. It's hard here to tell who's look we're witnessing it is.

So we'll let you guys decide. Do you think these looks are the stylist's makings? or did the rockers tell him to shove it?

ZAYRA

CRYSTAL: Look at this bitch WORKING that spacey blue catsuit! How many people in the world have the confidence and eligance to wear this costume with success? I'm gonna say two and only because I am too lazy to think outside of that. Although Zayra committed a Cardinal Sin this week of singing a Blondie song and NOT ripping it to shreads, I am still feeling the vibe of a total Hot Ass Girl. This is the kind of confidence that I had wished so much for Jordis last season. The sad thing here is that if Jordis and Zayra were both up for the same recording contract, but it could only be given to one, I think most record execs would chose Zayra even though she sings like my obliviously tone deaf mother (who sings to bacon in grocery stores, umm, no joke). That's what a little confidence does, guys, it gets us all recording contracts.

GINA: Mark this under another Rock Star: Lesson Learned. The next time I accidentially watch MTV and I see some no talent asshole dancing it up on the big screen, and I think to myself, How the fuck did this happen? and contemplate suicide, I won't even bother with the getting a knife and sobbing for twenty minutes. I now know. It is caused by shallow people, easily hooked by a confident demeanor, much like Crystal and myself, in positions of authority. Because, and I swear this to you, if I were a record exec, I'd be on the phone with her people yesterday. It doesn't matter if you can't sing. Allow me to prove it to you. Crystal said that only two people could look good in this spacesuit. The other person is Madonna. Who is really good a lot of things like being cool and dancing. But we all know she can't sing. See? I can only echo Crystal when I say, Seriously, guys. Look at that bitch WORK IT.

TOBY

CRYSTAL: Toby's face is priceless. I have never seen anyone look more scared to have his picture taken. He probably heard from one of those aboriginals they have Down Under that a camera steals your soul and he got all paranoid with all the weed and 'ludes he's been taking. Toby's awesome...I'll bet he is so much fun to fuck with. Hey, he may be the answer to a male version of Suzie McCrybaby.

GINA: Crystal and I were discussing how much better we like it when the rockers pose for the photos, rather than it being shots of the performance show. At first I thought it was because you could see the whole outfit in all it's badness. But after seeing this, I am convinced it's because this whole photo shoot thing makes some of the rockers really uncomfortable and helps us to shape their fake personalities. On this day, for instance, Phil came up to him right before the shoot and was like, "Dude, I've got kind buds and a bong, let's get ripping". So they did, and right when they took that picture Phil was telling him all kinds of science shit and Toby's mind is, like, blown.

PATRICE

CRYSTAL: According to whichever mentally challenged person, who is apparently as blind as he is retarded, is writing the dead on blurbs by the rocker's pics Patrice is described as "making a statement." I think Patrice's needs to forget about making a statement and concentrate on the fact that she should consider herself lucky that someone so unimaginably lame has made it on television for the fourth week in a row. I think its time to head it on home and get a new tatoo to mark the event that "like, totally, changed my life and really made me who I am as an artist and a person." The tat will probably be something inspirational like a microphone with a rose around it. So, lets look at this debacle she's wearing. The fact that she shoplifted those pants and boots in the juniors section of Macy's, where everyday is a Rock 'n Roll day, pales in comparision to my opinion that she skinned an Ewok to get that jacket. And those little guys are probably endangered animals as it is...not cool, Patrice.

GINA: Hey, look everybody, It's Amelia Dorkhart! Patrice must be so secretly bitchy because people made fun of her clothes when she was growing up. This disaster of a woman has no fashion sense whatsoever. I know I've said that before, but I really mean it this time. This reminds me of Jenny Jones and how she would have those makeover shows and they'd have the person who brought the bad dresser on the show get a reverse makeover to show the other person how dumb or slutty they looked? Patrice is totally that Mom. She just wants her little girl to wipe that black crap off her face and start wearing cute things and be a normal girl, dammit.

LUKAS

CRYSTAL: Lukas looks like a rooster in this picture with his hair sticking up and chest jutting out and his feet far behind his body. He was probably trying to intimidate the other rockers showing them that he is the Cock of this Roost and it is he who is going to scare all the other boys away. He hasn't strayed from the old standard of black pants and white jacket, knowing oh so well, that it works for him. I'm sick of those rosaries though. Lukas, when the nun hands them to you, she wants you to say your Hail Mary's not wear them while singing about White Weddings and getting laid. Where's your mother to smack the back of your head?

GINA: I hate Lukas, everyone who will listen knows that, but I am going to give props to the modern-day dandy look that he wears so well. I would also take the rosariers and force them down his mugging, snotty, piehole, but it's not as annoying as it could be. You know, this season of the show is so horrible that I can't even get worked up about the people I hate. That's when you know you just don't care at all.

JOSH

CRYSTAL: Josh in his old standby of pajama bottoms, mismatched shirts, and big assed goofy smile make me want to put a pipe bomb under his pillow at night...just so I can sleep. Josh looks like someone poked him in the stomach Pillbury Dough Boy style and he just couldn't stop giggling. What rocker do you know who is worth their salt smiles this much? Do you think Pete Daughtery is smiling like that, Josh? No. He's worried about where he's going to get his next hit of smack. He can't be worried about smiling as well. You need to be cut a little deeper and hurt a little more otherwise you're gonna come off as the rocker that every woman wants to take home to mom. And that rocker? He sucks.

GINA: Dude, they put an implant in Pete, where, like, even if he does junk, it neutralizes in his system and won't get him high. I don't know what their doing about the crack, but they've cut him off at the knees, heroin-wise. Josh reminds me of a very specific breed of nerd. It's hard to explain, but it's like the weird dude that wears, like, bolero ties and big, baggy, black button ups with like a dragon silkscreened on it? And then a cheap, metal, ying yang on a piece of black string? And he overenunciates and speaks in this very clipped, precise, condescending manner? He really enjoys the works of Piers Anthony and Clive Barker? He was definitely in drama club, was probably the like, lighting guy or something? I guess I'm trying to say he looks like a pencil necked fantasy dork, but like, not in the "awww, that's almost sort of cute" way. More in the "shut up, annyoing fuck" way. Like I said, it's hard to explain if you've never encountered it.

STORM

CRYSTAL: Storm needs me as a personal assistant in a most dire way. I truely believe there is no other job for a 7 foot, beautiful, well singing woman to be than on the stage...but her attire?...it has gots to go. Being tall has as many disadvantages as it does assets. Sure every man wants to fuck you to "see what its like," but all your clothes can look like you can't find anything in your own size if you're not careful. That's the problem we have here tonight. It looks like she scammed that outfit off of Jill and Jill is no one to mess with...she's Italian after all. She probably has family in the mafia, 'cause all Italians do. I think its next week that Storm wears that black suit, so I'm gonna cut her some slack here. Plus, I like her, and I'm very very hypocritical.

GINA: I am really enjoying this picture. She looks like a fucking warrior. Like she's actually Amazonian, and these were the biggest clothes they could find, and if you keep on staring at her she will crush you with her thighs. I like Storm a lot, and while I don't think she's the biggest fashion distaster on this show (you heard me, Dilana), she could use some help. She's probably too busy being not annoying and decent to be bothered by things like clothes. Or she had a hard time finding stuff to wear growing up, because of the tall, leggy, factor. Clothes look uncomfortable on her, there's always a strangeness to the fit that doesn't work quite right.

DILANA

CRYSTAL: Alight, look. I know that the new Marie Antoinette movie is coming out soon but Dil-hole has gone way too far. I am going to have to forever ban pink from her wardrobe because she has abused it. I don't know where she got this ridiculous, over the top, lacy, bizarro ballerina costume but nothing will take the attention off the singer and put it on the clothes like dressing up as Little Bo Peep who has a fetish for getting spanked with her staff. Dilana, I'm ready for you to stop acting out your fantasies in front of all us good, conservative people. I'm getting all sick to my stomach.

GINA: This is a new nursery rhyme I've come up with. Feel free to share it with your children.

Little Ho Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She'll be Baryshnikov's whore, forever more
Or until she's told she looks stupid.

PHIL

CRYSTAL: Phil looks pissed this week. I think someone must have just told him that the top he's wearing was from last season's Victoria's Secret catalog. Phil hates anything last season. At least he has mercifully covered up his stretched putty arms and might be standing up
straight (??). I'm glad Phil left this week. He's tired, downtrotted and he's gotta get back to New Jersey so he can wobble around in the next Wedding reception his manager signed him up for in case this whole "supernover" thing didn't work out.

GINA: Awwww, Phil looks like Shaggy, right down to the spindly arms and stoner glare. I don't know quite what he was going for, be it tough guy or more of his patented, "I'm only here cause they told me I'd be getting three square meals a day. That was such bullshit" languidness. Phil looks like I feel about this desecration of all that was awesome about summer 2005.

JILL

CRYSTAL: In the Book of Isaiah, God says to the people of Jerusalem "speak tenderly to Jerusalem and cry to her that she has served her term, that her penalty is paid, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." In the Book of Crystal, Jill doesn't get off as easily as Jerusalem. Jill hasn't paid for her sins enough. We need to hammer a few more chunks of her ego away first. In this, another installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill, I will research Webisode #4.
2. Oh! What a surprise, Jill's a crybaby. In this webisode, the group is divided up into three groups to write lyrics to a shitty song track by the Superholes. Jill, who is as talented as she is tall, wasn't being heard by the other members of her group...especially Magni who wasn't gonna take any of her Italian sausage shit. So what does she do? Ah, she walks out in a regal manner of any center of attention Drama Queen and waits until someone comes to her to soothe the ruffled feathers of her fake blonde hair. So, yeah, still hate her. No one who acts like a spoiled child should be a show with people who are seemingly, honestly cool. She's gonna taint people. I hate taint.

GINA: I hate Jill mostly because looks like an uppity stripper in all of her pictures. Like she's always down on the other girls and the club, because she can sing and dance. She's just doing it to make some money before she's a big star, and that makes her better than the rest of you bitches who are just dirty sluts. I don't know about you guys, but I like my strippers down-to-earth and without prejudice. Maybe that's just me.

DANA

CRYSTAL: Wow, who is this girl? If I didn't know that was Dana, I would never have recognized her. It's like she went to sleep and woke up cool. How does that happen? I'm going to have to get in touch with her and ask how she did that. If we could bottle the secret we could make a fortune. The first customers would be the three old-timers in the thrones to the back of the audience.

GINA: I feel like a proud mother. I know I didn't have anything at all to do with her transformation, but I'm taking credit anyway. I don't really know what happened either. While the new stylists has proved himself to be not quite so bad as our dearly detested Ellie Mae, he's no God of fashion, either. I'm giving most of the credit to Crystal and myself, with a little for Dana. Maybe she saw the pictures they were taking of her and she was like, "Uh, I'm way prettier than that."

RYAN

CRYSTAL: This week Ryan is a traveling businessman who circles the world organizing and funding orphanages for children who have lost everything to mad cow disease and the west nile virus all through the third world countries of Earth (you know, in his spare time from being a businessman.). He dresses down in the third world countries because, as other people have told me, there is nothing worse than a showoff.

GINA: Ryan is starting to bore me. Everything is all black; black like his soul. If Ryan is still clinging to this brooding, wounded, and angry persona at this age, I can't even imagine what he was like as a teenager. He probably went to school in blackface and wasn't sure why everyone was giving him dirty looks. He's sad, you guys, not racist!

MAGNI

CRYSTAL: In my opinion, anyone who does the Scott Stapp Arms Wide Open gesture, uh ever, should be shot to death on site. No judge. No jury. Just execution. How embarassing is it for us to have to watch a foreigner, who is perhaps unawares at the infinite toolness of S. Stapp, to do the gesture that made an entire country hate him for his total lack of shame? How much does it cost to get Vh1 in Iceland? He may want to invest in it so that he can avoid this sort of public humiliation next time 'round.

GINA: Alright, Magni. I'm sorry. But you are officially not sort of hot anymore. I like to think that no one has as crappy taste as America and that Creed was never popular anywhere else, but I doubt it. Didn't Josh sing a Creed song on the show? There are no excuses. Where I come from any reference to Creed is swiftly followed by the Messiah pose, I can only assume that this is a widespread phenomena. He knew. And he did it anyway.

Week Three- Slow & Steady Wins Our Race

2006-08-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

In this, yet another, slow to come post I just want to say one thing. Readers, think about how great it will be at the end of the season, when you're still jonesing for more Rockstar, Tommy and bad fashion and you realize you still have WEEKS of Rockstar: A Fashion Tragedy to go. Won't it be wonderful? I think it might be. That's why its taking so long to post new tragedies; we're mostly thinking of you.

With that aside it has been a love/hate season so far for us guerrilla fashionistas. The fashion is tragic, thank the Lord, so we still have a job over here in 'ol MO. But the show is almost too horrible to watch. I think one thing that would help tremendously, and feel free to pass this along to the show's producers anybody, would be: STOP POINTING THE CAMERA AT THE THREE SPRINGTIME FRESH DOUCHE BAGS IN THE BACK. All the looks on their faces tell me they make every grimmace, head bang, and arm gesture knowing that at any moment the camera is on them. If they had their heads up their own asses any farther they may be able to watch the performances through their nipples. I'm just saying. Less Supercan'tbaretowatchanymore, more, oh God, Dave Navarro? Ah, Jesus. I think I need to start going back to church. I feel dirty.

Laters,
Crystal

DANA

CRYSTAL: Poor, poor Dana. It's too much like bullying to make fun of Dana anymore. I'll bet she had a really horrible childhood filled with alcoholic parents, runaway pets, empty cupboards, and more importantly no friends helping out in the "cool" department. That being said, this is a good picture of her. Her face doesn't look all smooshed in at the bottom and her hair is pretty rad, not flat and lifeless, which is always a nice change. And, amazingly, I do like those jeans. My main concern is that I don't like it when people like Dana wear cruxifixes...reason being is that I think she really does believe in Jesus and His love and it doesn't work with the whole "I wanna be a bad ass rocker" vibe. When Dana wears a cross it looks like she should be Christian-Rocking for Christ. Not rocking for three over the hill losers. It's a dichotomy I don't enjoy.

GINA: Dana looks not so fresh from the trailer, and you're right, this angle is a lot more flattering for her. Now she just looks like a girl rather than "A Poor Man's (enter name of young, brunette, celebrity here)".

PHIL

CRYSTAL: I appreciate the amount of time and pain it takes to get a tatoo. I realize there is usually months of preparation in deciding, getting drunk and proceeding. I just think that if you are a dude with arms that looks like two Twizzlers with ink stains then you should still do us all a favor and forget about going sleeveless. If you still want to show off the tats, just pull up your sleeve and flex. That way we can laugh at you to your face.
And is it just me, or is anyone else beginning to think that all these guys with soul patches are really just too chicken shit to commit to anything in their life? Let's look at this Phil. I mean, you start not wanting to grow your whole mustache out because you "just don't know, man, that's a lot to worry about" the next thing you know your girlfriend kicks you out of the garage apartment the two of you shared because you wouldn't cough up the dough to buy her that cheap ass engagement ring when in reality you won't buy it because you think you might get someone better later. But you won't, Phil, you won't. Be a man. Make a commitment.

GINA: It's not that Phil can't commit, it's that he's too tired. Because they expect him out of bed at like 9 o'clock. Ummmm, hello, dudes? Phil doesn't roll like that.

DILANA

CRYSTAL: Dilana's kinda worn out her welcome in Casa des Crystal. I think I mixed up two languages there. Fuck it. Her speaking voice swarms of a chain smoking tar build up and she looks like a beer guzzling, trash bag who still thinks Goth is cool and probably does her own hair and freakshow piercings. Usually I would think something like sleeves of tatoos and holes in faces on a broad is pretty cool. I know I don't have the balls to do it, so when I see it on someone else there is a certain sense of respect and awe. Unfortunatly for Dil, after watching the reality shows and just knowing how desperate for attention she is and her complete lack of self esteem, she looses all her Absolute Zero coolness. This outfit is just what I would expect out of that sort of person. She looks like one large drug charge and a probation violation away from being an inmate at the jail I work for.

GINA: You know, compared to some of the other things she's worn (like next weeks "Whore Tea Party" dress) this looks not bad. It makes her shoulders look nice, she doesn't have fatty sides or four-boob. As far as a corest goes, this is nice. I'm glad I don't watch the webisodes (uh, guys, at this point, I'm forcing myself to even watch the real show) so that I can't share in your hate of her. She can't dress worth a shit, but she's still pretty bad ass in my book.

LUKAS

CRYSTAL: This performance week I had a text message from my friend Betsy informing me that me and Lukas should get married and have beautiful babies. I have to say, I didn't know exactly how to take this. I don't know if I have the dominant genes it would take to make Lukas' wierd eye position, turned up nose, heavy eyebrows, giant head and overall asshole demeanor all recessive and THUS end up producing a "beautiful baby." Betsy, what exactly was it that you were thinking? It would take a supermodel to make that statement true. I really don't know if she thought I was so incredibly beautiful that it would override Lukas' looks or she just thinks "You know, he's wierd. Crystal's wierd too. They should make some wierd looking little kids." If I know Betsy, it was definitley the latter. 'Cause, in all seriousness, we all know that wierd kids are cuter than hell. The best thing we could hope for in this merger is that the kids would have my and Lukas' impeccable sense of fashion.

GINA: I like Bestsy, but I don't trust her opinions when it concerns you and men. Lukas is going to have a hard time making cute babies, period. No matter who the mother is. There's a lot of wrongs going on with his face, he is lucky that he's cool. I mean, he's totally still a snotty little bitch, but he usually looks good while doing it. I'm gonna take a pass on this one, because starting next week he begins to get a bit too big for his britches, and I've got to conserve.

JILL

CRYSTAL: I told Gina that I was dedicating my most hateful posts to Jill until that supertwat gets kicked off. I have reached new level of wrath that one can only reach when confronted by the worst kind of person. Enter: Jill. I am not even going to get into the clothes this week, because, this one? Just too f-in easy. She knows exactly how to rock that "I'm too old to be doing this shit" look.
So, may I present the first installment of Why I Hate People Like Jill-------
1. Jill blamed the fact that she was embarrassed (because she humped Gilby and he called her out on her ruthlessly over the top performance) and started yelling and arguing with him about it because "I'm Italian, I have to argue. Don't mess with Italians!" There is nothing more annoying than being a childish, ignorant, steaming pile of racist and blaming a stupid stereotype as a reason why you don't have the capacity to sit down and keep your mouth shut. Let's not blame an entire country for your mouth, Jill. Let's just blame your Italian mother who didn't abort you when she had the chance. More to come next week!

GINA: Jill is lucky that she was even selected to be on the show, considering the slighest suggestion of her whiskey cured voice sends me into shivering flashbacks of Ladies Night at the Baja Rock Club. If this were America's Best Bar Band, Jill would have a shot. She offends me with her strongheaded notion that she may be more than that. No she isn't. Look at her. Do you think star? Or do you think, Oh that's the bitch that tends bar over at that place where all the old alcholics hang out?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

JOSH

CRYSTAL: I cannot believe this man has lasted this long. He must drive the girls loco, otherwise, I don't know who would vote for him. Although, I'm sure there are still legions of DMB fans out there who have working cell phones. I guess that's the trick. The description this week says that Josh is "going casual" as though its a different thing for him. Josh is the epitome of casual and probably would develop a fever rash and boils if anyone tried to put him in a suit and tie. I just can't do anything with this man. He is so lackluster and uninspiring. I'll be glad when he's gone...unless he starts shaking things up a little. But, being the eternal pessimist, I'm going to assume that is neva-gonna-happen.

GINA: I want to sneak into his house and throw away all his earrings, hair gel, and hats. Josh really needs to work on an update for his look, because he always looks like one of those guys that were in bands in the mid to late 90's. Shit like LFO and Dishwalla. He's very outdated. Plus, if you're going to go for the whole, "I don't give a shit, I just threw on some jeans, yo" style, you might not want to sport a finnicky, well maintained, coif. It sends out all kinds of mixed messages, all of which basically mean that you are retarded.

STORM

CRYSTAL: I like Storm. She is the sanest one of the bitches in that house and she puts on a pretty mean show. I especially liked her the next week when she sang Anything, Anything by Dramarama. Since I don't have much on Storm this week, I have a little present, here is the video for that song by Dramarama and the lead singer is the funniest thing this side of Mel Gibson getting arrested and Patrick Swayze defending him. It's not the best quality, but, you'll get the essence.

Anything, Anything: Dramarama: The hair, the opened shirt, oh, the hilarity.

GINA: I like this picture of her. She looks so pretty and sultry. I like it enough to forgive the transulcent panel on her shirt. Also Patrick Swayze started defending Mel Gibson?! What?! Do they even know each other? And where is Roadhouse 2? In case you can't tell, this Mel Gibson situation tops even Charlie Sheen calling his wife the n-word, in my book. Why? Because Charlie never wrote and directed a movie about Jesus or patted himself on the back for being the most Catholic man in the land. Oh god, this is so funny I could die.

MAGNI

CRYSTAL: Gina's new boyfriend looks like the exact same cardboard cutout every week. He probably just keeps wearing the same shirt and pants and then secretly laughs at all of us because we don't notice his clothes. I mean how could we what with him being such a tremendous entertainer? His voice is all we can concentrate on as it soaks into our minds and has us trancing with the "All in Iceland is Awesome" mantra. Magni, get out of my dreams and into my car so I can drive you to an Old Navy and you can pick up a new T-shirt or two. My treat.

GINA: Oh, Jesus. I really, really, really, really, need to start looking ahead at these things, so that when I say someone is sort of hot one week, I'll know if he's going to wind up looking like a penis with a nose the next. His face is too long for those horrible, oversized sunglasses. Here's a tip. Only wear the huge, honkin' glasses if you have an oval shaped face. If not, you are going to look dumb. You guys know I'm always looking out for you. He looks like a paler version of creepy Ric Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

JENNY

CRYSTAL: Jenny's grandma picked her up a Rockstar Barbie this week and Jenny, being the bitch she is, stole Barbie's clothes and wore them. I like how this picture perfectly demonstrates what Gina and I have been saying about Jenny and her vigorous need for an ice-cream sandwich. The hip bone poking out through the jean is a definite indicator of the fact that Jenny is so skinny she will never be able to carry a child to full term unless OBGYNs develop some way to carry the baby around in a fannypack. I'm surprised she even has the energy to smile for this picture. If I were her, I'd be hooked up to a feedbag in the hospital, watching episodes of Celebrity Fit Club.

GINA: Jenny knew she was headed home this week, so she set up an audition for the WWE right after the taping, and she didn't have time to change. They told her that she'd have to get fake tits and bleach her hair some more, but she was cool with it. She's expected to build some muscle and she is really excited about reintroducing soild foods to her diet. So am I.

RYAN

CRYSTAL: Aww, look how when I told Ryan to smile for me, he did. Such a good man. Always doing what I say. A lot better than some other boyfriends who wouldn't even shop for a tie. I don't know how anyone could look at Ryan in this picture and not fall in love.
Gina? Don't you have something to tell me? Maybe apologize for??

GINA: Fine. I take it back. Ryan is hot. Jews may start all of the world's wars, but get me one behind a piano and I lose it. There is this disconnect for me with him, mostly because of his put-upon sensitivity. I still don't think he's nearly as tortured as he wants us to believe. But yeah, he's displaying a high amount of jewboy hotness here, which if you knew me at all, is one of my favorite types of all time.

PATRICE

CRYSTAL: This crazy c*nt is gonna get it if I meet her on the street. And since Patrice is surely going back to good old Texas any day now and I have no plans to visit the South anytime soon, I can say that with a certain amount of confidence. Did you see how she bitchy she was to my boyfriend, Ryan, last week? Don't tell him to shut up, Patrice! If anyone needs to shut it, it would be an over the hill, crazy eyed, bad dressing, wig wearing "singer" who is NOT as fierce as she thinks.
And furthermore, what is up with the scrunched potato sack that she is wearing? I hope she asked Ryan if she looked alright before they left the house and he said she looked beautiful just be be an asshole to her. She deserves it.

GINA: Patrice has finally revealed herself to be a "secret bitch". This type is worst of all becuase they are cunning and will only exhibit themselves as the montsters they are in small crowds or around people they deem unimportant. The rest of the time they are all toothy smiles and crinkly eyes. Like in this picture here: Her face says Oh man, this is just the bestest time ever! I love TLee and Supernova! I totally knew who Gilby Clarke was before all this started, too! I'm having so much fuuuuuuuun!. But what she's really thinking is I am the best person to ever grace this stage. When I get back to the mansion tonight, I'm going to make a bunch of jokes about Dana eating cake and make her feel all bad....hmmm....maybe I should say that to Jenny. Then maybe she'd have to drop the competition after she passes out from lack of food. Eh, she's going home anyway. I can't wait until we get back, I'm totally gonna make that Dana bitch cry.

TOBY

CRYSTAL: Toby. I don't know. The look just doesn't work. The jacket, going for a retro 80s look, I'm sure, doesn't flow with the time and ends up looking like something found in a box in the basement after a flood. His jeans don't fit right in the crotch area (probably because of the tapering at the bottom) and he ends up looking like a unich. And while I would normally like those white, leather boots, they end up shouting "I'M DESPERATE FOR VOTES." Try again, Toby, try again.

GINA: Toby is the only one that I think really wants it. You can see it in his eyes. Plus, you can tell by the way he's trying to fill the "Marty Casey: I'm a Good Guy" role. Kissing ass always gets on my nerves, especially when you are kissing the ass of three of the biggest wastes of flesh on this planet. Not that everyone on this show hasn't done that at some point, (except Zayra, which is why I love her) but Toby polishes the apple a little bit brighter than everyone else. Oh, Toby, those guys don't care about the band, and even if you do win, they aren't going to care about you. I think we need to have a talk called, "Just becasue they'll fuck you doesn't mean they love you". It's a little painful, but I think you'll be a better man for it.

ZAYRA

CRYSTAL: I think this will be one of the only time I really don't like what Zayra is wearing (and, no, I haven't forgot the blue jumpsuit). She looks a little too Abba: Gold for me here and while I still think she's the coolest woman on this show (and still love Abba), she looks dated and unimpressive. I do love her hair here, though. She's still got that awesome hair. It will make her a rockstar yet!

GINA: She has the best hair ever. For reals. I agree with you, she's looking a bit too much like a presenter at the Mexican Daytime Emmys. Which is awesome in it's own way, but not in the "Hey, wait, this is actually awesome" way I've come to expect from Zayra. It's too dowdy for her. I actually really like the dress and think that it would look good one someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, but not on our girl, Z. Say what you will about her, but don't front. Bitch works the clothes like no one on this show, ever.

Week Two-Slightly Late, but Just As Horrible

2006-07-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

So, this ran a little late. Sorry about that folks. Turns out it takes time to get to know the rockers a little before you are able to make fun of them they way they deserve. We can't promise it won't run late again. We suck.

The show has been very distressing for me in one regard. Somehow Brooke (Seriously, Brooke won me forever with her kindness to Zayra) and Dave have managed to become the best part of the show. (Besides the House Band, which is a given) I want my innocence back. I want back the time I had before even an inkling of affection for these two. You have changed me forever, Rock Star, and I hate you for it.

Gina

JILL GIOIA

GINA: First off, I hate Courtney Love. I think she hooked Kurt, I think she was his enabler and his supplier, and I find it disgusting that she continues to profit off his death. Not that that stopped me from buying his journal (complete with message saying essentially, "Please never publish this.") or anything. I figure Frances can use whatever she can get after having to be raised by Lady Macbeth. Hopefully her Mom doesn't blow it all on oxycontin and plastic surgery before she turns 18. Anyways. Do you know what the perfect accessory for a tarty, biker wedding dress is? Combat boots and tube socks. That reeks of elegance and class.

CRYSTAL: The best part of the night was Jill's abhorant, boldface, compeletly see-through LIE that she was in no way trying to imitate Courtney Love and she was projecting her own vision of the song with this ensemble. Jill, we, your viewers, we are a little dumb. I will give you that. We have convinced ourselves that its just a little alright to watch a reality singing competition because we "can make fun of it." But, we're not THAT dumb, alright. We know its not cool to be told by Dave Nevarro that we are merely a poor imitation to a piece of 21st Century Class A White Trash, but, you know that's what you were doing. If you want to wear a recycled wedding dress from Madonna's Like a Virgin Tour with the ugliest pair of cowboy boots they sell in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen line, then fine, do it.
Just admit it and move along.

GINA: There is nothing more sad than getting called out on your shit by Dave Navarro. Who, it must be said, is a lot more awesome this summer. I don't know if this speaks of the lower overall quality of the show, or if it speaks for my love of bitches. Because My God, he is being one this year and I like it.

CRYSTAL: I really can't believe that they have found three more unfunny, more smarmy, more horrifically past the point of mattering people on the face of the earth than Dave Navarro. Word to you, Mr. Burnett. This could be your first miracle "performed" when you're up for Sainthood.

GINA: I know, it feels really weird to laugh with him instead of at him.

RYAN STAR

GINA: I guess Ryan got tired of everyone asking him what happened to his arms, so he has wisely decided to start cutting himself where no one can see. Ryan always looks like he's confused about how he got here. Like he was just going up to the corner store to buy smokes, and he some how wound up at the Mayan and on TV. He's not really sure what's going on, but he knows he doesn't like it. Which causes him to cut himself. It's a vicious cycle.

CRYSTAL: This week I'm going to imagine that Ryan broke some ribs while jumping out of a moving vehicle whilst saving our country from the latest threat of nuclear attacks. He's part of a super-secret-special-forces team dedicated to bringing the hurt down on terrorists all the while leaving young lady's hearts broken in cities around the US of A. He's pose is saying "Baby, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady is America."

GINA: You can never go wrong with a Brandy joke. I would pay good money to have someone sing that to me every night before I go to bed. Just not Ryan.

CRYSTAL: I'm on my way over right now, tuning my singing voice in the car.

STORM LARGE

GINA: Storm looks like she should be on the cover of "18 and Ready to Fuck" with her overgrown schoolgirl pigtails. This show is all for destroying my illusions about humanity, and I had naively thought that people quit drawing designs on their shirts with a Sharpie once they got to be a certain age, but I was wrong. She reminds me of this girl in middle school that used to make her own GUESS t-shirts out of puffy paint. So, that in itself is sort of sad and not worthy of ridicule, but she spelled it GEUSS. I'm sorry, but that is hilarious.

CRYSTAL: You've gotta help me out, folks. I don't get a lot of "art." Does her shirt mean that, figuratively, her love is upside down? Or that our love for her is upside down? Or is just literally that she put the pillowcase with her drawing on upside down? Again, so many interpretations...so little interest. People like Storm are so literally shallow when they feel they are being figuratively deep.

GINA: Yeah, I don't think Storm is fooling anyone into to thinking that she's a big time intellectual. Nice try, though.

JENNY GALT

GINA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......oh....sorry....that was just me laughing at Jenny's tough girl face. I could break off one of her legs with no hands, eat it, and still be hungry afterwards. This photo is feeding my theory that Jenny is by far the least confident and most insecure of the female rockers. When you feel good, like a shit kicker, like someone who is gonna take this stupid show by the balls and squeeze (see Dilana and Zayra for examples), you don't have to make cutesy-poo growl faces. Because, like, isn't it so totally, adorable when little girls make scary faces? Aren't I just the most precious thing you ever saw? And she still needs to really, really, really needs to eat. I can see her skull.

CRYSTAL: This look is so old that even that wierd looking chick from the Black Eyed Peas has mercifully covered up her stomach in recent photos. Is it really necessary to cut up three shirts to make midriff exposers? If you were afraid you were going to get cold, Jill, maybe you should have used some of those low calorie brain waves that may still exist and, oh I don't know, wear a whole shirt.
And! And! Is that a DRAGON print on the red shirt? There are no words to describe how uncool this is. How about: as uncool as my mother's tapered jeans. Get your head out of your ass, Jill, and put it in a big bowl of pasta. Food is brain power.

GINA: I like to imagine that when she got kicked off she was on the phone with the Chinese delivery place even before the show went off the air. She's all relieved and shit, because now that she's not going to be on television anymore, she is allowed to eat more than unlimited diet coke, a handful of candy corn, and three green beans. Oh, Jenny, I worry about you, truly, I do.

JOSH LOGAN

GINA: Throw away the thermal. Or at least get one in a color that is flattering. If you are going to insist on wearing flannel all the time, at least have the decency to not clash. Its not asking for much. He just walked off the set of "Singles 2: Yes, We Can Already Be Nostalgic For This Shit."

CRYSTAL: It is never a good thing when an idol of yours happens to be Ethan Hawke, circa WHENEVER. Josh is again promoting the fact that he in no way belongs in this competition for any reason including singing or fashion style. MAYBE if you were auditioning to be the long lost son of Neil Young this look would be appropriate, but not Supernoooo!va. They are way to full of themselves to wear flannel and he is decidely makeup-less. If you were chosen you will always going to be the sore thumb with an ugly, festering hangnail, Josh. Get out now while you still have some decency.

GINA: Eh, we should never aspire to be like Ethan Hawke except in the "I banged Uma" sense. We should all be so lucky as to bang Uma Thurman. I'd totally go gay for her gangly ass.

TOBY RAND

GINA: Toby is that guy at Ozzfest that sells fake Ecstasy to dumb fourteen year olds. He's also schtupping his third cousin and will eventually wind up on an especially entertaining episode of Cheaters.

CRYSTAL: Oh how I loathe my job and the fact I can't stay up late anymore to watch Cheaters. Such trash. Such beauty. Anyway back to Toby. The best part about Toby is that his speaking voice is HILARIOUS. He looks like such a tough guy, all tanned and buffed from years of camping and doing other outdoorsy things that I am ignorant to. His singing voice is low and gruff, matching his camo shirts and dirty jeans. But his speaking voice? Hah. He sounds like someone took a recording and played it in fast forward. You think he'd fake that too, like his highlights, and speak lower. But he doesn't and, God help me, I'm starting to like him for it.

GINA: I like how he adds "mate" to everything, just in case we forget that he's from Australia, or New Zeland, or whatever. Even MiG, who would have walked around completely nude all last season if he thought it'd get him votes, didn't do that. And if this show is drawing the same kind of crowd it was last year, taking some advice from his fellow Aussie and going shirtless would be a better option. You'd be surprised by how many horny women like Rock Star. I never thought there would be a crosspoint between Coldplay and Chippendales, but there you go.

CRYSTAL: True that, mate.

CHRIS PEIRSON

GINA: His hair looks like it belongs on a 16th century Italian fresco painted by someone gayer than Michelangelo. Chris is the sort of Rocker that wears his desperation on his sleeve. Literally. He's so busy trying to appeal to every sort of fan, that he looks like a hodgepodged, hot mess. He's got the leaves on his jacket to appeal to the hippies and the Dave Matthews fans, a white jacket for the scenesters, a thumbs through thermal for the teenage misfits, and a fluffy crown of magnificent curls for the Enya/Yanni/John Tesh fans (I refuse to recongnize that shit as a real musical category). It's no wonder he got kicked off this week. Being desperate never made anyone love you. At least he proved how awesome he is at being really, really, lame.

CRYSTAL: This outfit has forever banned Chris to the 8th Ring of Hell. An endless, rotating tour of lowgrade, embarrassing bar performances, with only an acoustic guitar and cover songs for defense, surrounded by drunk and unappreciative college kids waiting for the star act. Chris will never be seen again. That is one powerful ensemble.

GINA: I like how the acutal pieces of fabric that make up his outfit look sort of ill-fitting and ashamed of him. He has managed to embarass pants. That's amazing.

DILANA

GINA: Every Halloween I hit up our local seasonal costume SuperStore and I always feel kind of sorry for the models they use on the merchandise. There's nothing you can do from keeping the goods from looking cheap and like they were constucted by Asian toddlers. Because they are both of those things. Yeah. Dilana, she is one of those models right now. She's still cool and everything, but even Stevie Fucking Nicks knows that you can't wear a hooded cape. You just can't.

CRYSTAL: I am still unimpressed with Dilana. She is a dirty representation of something that spawned out of an ashtray and Charmed on the WB. I'll bet she practices wiccan and preaches that if you really believe it, you can make it happen. Any one of us can find her sneaking out of a Earth mother store with magic crystals and incense in her hemp bag. Dilana...do something better for me, we're at a crossroads, you and me. We're in serious risk of me hating you forever.

GINA: God, you are so right on the Wicca shit. I didn't want to believe it so bad that I was trying to tell myself, Oh, she probably just really into vampires or something, and then I realized that often coincides with the being a Wiccan. Which, I think that all religion talk is a little weird, because I have no soul, but Wicca talk is by far the worst. Oftentimes the devotee smart, takes the whole thing really seriously, and is working the dramatic gestures and big words to a uncomfortable degree. Then you find yourself alone with her in an incence saturated room, eyes burning, watching someone that had been your friend right up until that very moment, perform, and I do mean perform, a spell intended to make her more popular with boys than her rival, who was her best friend and belle of the weekend Renaissance battle reenactments (or LRPG) she attended, and you were willing to look past her weekend activities because she was cool, but now you just can't, because she has breached your capacity for fruity shit, which is also why you can't be friends with people that introduce themselves as poets. Not that I ever knew anyone who did that kind of thing. Ever in my life.

CRYSTAL: Hey, for those of us too cool to know, what the hell is LRPG??

GINA: Oh, God. It's a Live Action Role Playing Game. Please excuse me while I don't show face in public for the next five years.

PATRICE PIKE

GINA: Patrice is still an elementary school teacher to me. Please allow me to share with you one of the songs she sings to the children:

Come on children, gather round
Its time to visit Alphabet Town
A is for angel, peaceful and sweet
B is for Bunny, who's no good to eat
C is for Certified Organic, for which you should look,
because pesticides will give you cancer and supporting the mass poisoning of the children should be punishable by death, and won't your mommies cry when you rot away and fall asleep forver?
Also
Everyone is Special.

CRYSTAL: Everyone is indeed special. Even Gina, for whom her mother and I are working day and night to get her into the best state run nut house we can find. Jesus. If Patrice is an elementary school teacher than this is the scariest, creepiest, and apparently winged teacher ever. Except for our choir teacher in high school who had black, dead eyes and a taste for the young-ins. Hey, maybe those two should get together.

GINA: I just see her addressing a bunch of third graders and using expressions like, "Progressive agenda", "Frankenfoods", "Sustainable living", "Meat is Murder". It's her face. She looks like a teacher. Yeah, that was pretty awesome about our choir teacher. You always knew there was something sexually deviant about him, but I thought it was repressed homosexuality, but bad on me for stereotyping, turns out it was fourteen year old girls.

ZAYRA ALVAREZ

GINA: Zayra's like my really cool foreign cousin who can get away with wearing shit straight out of a Billy Idol video and still be really awesome. Because she's not from here and has got her own sort of hotness going on. She had to make due with what she had, and you're lucky her catsuit isn't made out of coffee tins. She could have lived here most of her life, I don't know, but yeah, for the third week in a row, I still think she's a style maven. Not that anyone else should try dressing like her, because they shouldn't.

CRYSTAL: I do have a hard time with Zayra. She is an undoubtably cool broad who can dress up like a retooled version of Olivia Newton John in Grease and still look better than anyone else on this godforsaken show (You're the one that I want! Ooh Ooh Ooo. Yes, I hate that movie too.) but the girl can't sing and this being a singing competition it's just hard to look past all that screeching and high pitched noise. Now, saying that, I believe you get this chick in a studio and fiddle with the sound machine gizmos and button thingees, we could have the facade of a full package here. She'll always be a great performer and true fans will dismiss the lack of natural singing ability. I'm solving problems, folks, it's what I do.

GINA: That's exactly what I was thinking. Either make her into some tempremental producer diva or auto tune the crap out of her and never let her tour or sing live. I could live with that if all her music was bloopy and futuristic. I kinda like it, but you're right, bitch can't sing.

DANA ANDREWS

GINA: Oh, sweetheart, what have they done to you? Why did no one save you from yourself or otherwise? This is something an eight year old wears at a dance recital. Well, stillettos aside. Your hair is limp and blah, you're wearing stripes with cheetah print, you are wearing pink zippers over your tits...what is wrong with you? You know it was all fun and games calling Jessica the poor girl and stuff, but I feel really pretty bad about calling Dana one. Because if she is not from a trailer, I will shave Dave Navarro's balls....with my teeth. So, I'm going to have to find a new gimmick for her because she is making me feel about 452 different kinds of uncomfortable.

CRYSTAL: I have been reminded of Dave Navarro's balls one too many times during the course of these two seasons. I'm gonna google a picture of the balls. I just need to see them. Just once. For closure.
Dana looks like she got fashion advice from her cantgetright second cousin who ran away from home to become a "real movie star" in Hollywood but ended up saying "fuck it" and instead does cheap, low quality porn with fat, hairy men. Dana...go home...you've embarassed the family more than your cuz.

PHIL RICHIE

GINA: Awwww, it's so cute when Phil tries. I like this guy despite myself, mostly because of the lethargy. He could just as soon be at home listening to the messages on his answering machine as he could be performing on a reality show. I don't know if he intentionally looks like Judd Nelson, but there it is. He's ready for the inevitable remake of The Breakfast Club. ***INSIDER FACT: Actually, this one is for real. My ex worked on a TV movie that shot here awhile back and Judd was fond of announcing after a long day's work, "ANYONE ELSE READY TO GO TO THE QUEEN (local casino) AND PICK UP SOME TRANNIES?" People were unsure as to whether or not he was joking. My ex didn't think he was. If I can work in a Major Dad reference somewhere down the road, I have a Gerald McRaney story, too. I know you can't wait. I am the next Perez Hilton.***

CRYSTAL: Hah. It looks like the photographer finally gave up and posed Phil himself. The photog did the best he could, but Phil's arms and torso are more like a GI Joe than Stretch Armstrong. Nothing was working exactly right which gave way to this bent over, awkward, wierdly non-sexual posture. He even made Phil's smile by pushing up the sides of his mouth with his index fingers. It would so suck to be Phil's photographer. I would quit. Or laugh myself into a coma.

LUKAS ROSSI

GINA: Man, it doesn't take long for a person to go from cool to annoying, snotty, little, pipsqueak, does it? He's got that little person head, and isn't doing himself any favors by drawing more attention to it. He's lacking the killer style he needs to distract us from the truth. Which is that he's...not very attractive. For the one dude that reads this (hi, Sid!), this is what music can do for you. You could look like a midget in photos, like, enough to give the average person pause, you can look like Clint Howard's long lost brother, you can be balding and insist on the faux hawk, and you will still get laid like mad and have people love you. Of course, this doesn't apply if the rocker in question is a woman. She still has to be really hot, because that's the only thing broads are good for.

CRYSTAL: I can't help but think that Lukas would be a great poster child for some sort of disability that occurs when a doctor poorly delivers an infant. You know, the doctor squeezed too hard on the forceps and Lukas popped out with that wierdly shaped head and wide set eyes. Of course, it hasn't hindered his taste in fashion...this outfit is pretty good...even with the stupid crucifixes. Plural.

GINA: Yeah, it'd be a lot better without them, but as much as get gets on my nerves, and believe me he does, he is a fantastic dresser. Damn him.

MAGNI AGIERSSON

GINA: Ugh, I don' t know what my problems is, and I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this, but I think Magni is kind of hot. He's a tall, white, guy so if you are going to go by my romantic history, he fits right in, but that's a rather broad category. I normally don't go for this. The lame sunglasses, the bald head, the translucent skin. Hmmm...I don't know...I don't really even enjoy him that much as a performer. He's not bad, not great, but yeah...kind of hot. I have nothing to back this statement up as fact, but I'm a little bit weird. Ask anyone.

Okay, I wrote the above awhile ago and had to come back really quick because I just watched the latest performance show (week four) and I now know what is up with the attraction to Magni. He's an asshole. Everything makes a lot of sense now. If he's a funny asshole, (cause that Zayra snap was pretty weak) my heart may be stolen forever.

CRYSTAL: Eww. Funny or not...Gina...One word, two syllables: soulpatch.

GINA: It's gross, I know...I'm so sorry. For you for having to be my friend and for myself. Mostly for myself.

JASON NEWSTED

GINA: Jason reminds me of uncomfortable conversations I have had with my elders (almost always men) about music. They'll ask, and I usually say, "Oh, I like rock and roll." and will name something like CCR so that we can find a common ground. But that's not good enough for some folks, and they press you for details and I generally say something like, "Well, I listen to a lot of crap that most people have never ever heard of because I have a lot of time on my hands, and I suppose I will always be kind of a snob. But, I like a good pop song." and the reply is always, "Stuff like Metallica?" and I say yes because it's easier. But then they want to talk about "hard rock" and there's this point where they say something that doesn't make sense to me. For instance, one time this older gentleman at my work asked me if I like Soad. Ummm....what the fuck is a Soad? He meant System of a Down, which, no thank you, unless it's that wake up! song, because it's so annoying it's good. Point being, they think they are cool, they try to talk like a fifteen year old about "hard rock", and it ends with me being really embarassed for them. I've seriously had this conversation like 10 or more times. It's the trying so hard to be hip. It's painful. And then I pray that it doesn't happen to me, because if I'm going to be honest, the chances are VERY good that it will.

CRYSTAL: I don't get into music conversations with the "elders" because I'm too picky and then too honest to just say "yeah, I like that." I generally sidestep the entire conversation with some comment about American Idol and then we have a different direction altogether. Anyway, back to this douche. I hate this guy. All the images I had before the show started of Gilby being the mouthy assed show off had somehow been mis-directed and should have actually shot over to Jason. He matches Tommy in his cluelessness and total disregard for anything resembling pride. He can take his poufy, fluffy hair and prance back to the rockstar black hole he managed to escape from. Stat.

Week One-I Think I'm Tearing Up. Oh, Wait, I've Just Got Some Crust in the Eyes.

2006-07-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome, dear readers, to our first official post of the season. Much to my relief and happiness, MSN has decided to continue with their photosets featuring the awesome rock style of our hamsters. This makes my job about a million times easier, so big ups to the MSN tech team. I forgive you for taking down the pictures early last year. We're even.

WEEK ONE

LUKAS ROSSI

GINA: After reviewing the pictures of the rawkers, I think they've read our blog. I know that sounds totally egotistical, but I can find little else by way of explanation for the amounts of basic rawker black, and restraint by many of them in the accessories department. Lukas looks pretty fierce here, I must admit. I mean, he still looks like a midget and everything, but now he looks like a chic midget. Seriously, though, someone needs to tell him that that faux-hawk is making him look like he's balding about ten times worse than he actually is.

CRYSTAL: I think I know this guy. I think I've met him practice posing outside of hipster stores in an uber trendy area of STL. I think he was looking down at me and muttered some shithead comment to his partners about my exceptionally low level of coolness. Then I threw a soda at him and ran. Dude...I totally fucked up his white, linen jacket. I did him a favor.

GINA: Remember when St. Louis was all shitty and there weren't really any uber trendy areas? I never appreciated what I had until it went away. There were always hipper than thou judgemental shitheads, (kind of like us! Except we're probably not as cool.) but there were a lot less of them and it wasn't always in my face. Half the time I walk down the street down on South Grand mumbling to myself like a curmudgeony old grandpa. You little bastards, back in my day, we used to do the proper thing and make fun of ya. We would have taunted your ass all the way back to New York. Ya ponce-y fucks.

PHIL RITCHIE

GINA: You know, I didn't like Phil very much until the first elimination show, when he wore this dopey expression notcholance that endeared him to me. This dude does not care. And I appreciate his honesty. There's not much to say about his outfit. It's hard to fuck up all black. Ummm...these people need to start dressing retarded, or it's going to be one long ass season.

CRYSTAL: Phil dresses like he sings. Boring. His performance Wednesday night reminded me of all the terrible opening acts I have seen in my life. I mean, the kind of acts where they open up the song with something like "This next song, this song I wrote when I was really down." And you're left there thinking, "WHA? All of the songs have sounded the same, you fucker. Get off the stage."

Plus, I'm sorry but those spindley, un-toned arms are crying out for long sleeves. No. That's me. I'm crying out for Phil to get some long sleeves. And a back brace. And a hair cut.

GINA: I know. I love how he can't even bring himself to pose for the photo. He's that lazy. Is he stoned? Phil is like the guy who opened up for the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs when we saw them. Let me tell you this. It was just him and an acoustic guitar and every song was preceded by a comment that this was a sad song. Like no shit, dude. Really? I hate it to begin with and having to sit through it while waiting to see the fiercest, coolest, broad in the world? Absolute tourture.

CRYSTAL: I was thinking about that guy who opened for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's when I wrote that. He is seared into my memory for all the wrong reasons.

DILANA

GINA: So you know how last time I said she looked like a bethonged model at a car show? Well this week, she looks like that girl's lesbian sister. Rawkers have been trying this shit for years, but wrestling shoes are never going to be cool. Never. I do love her facial expression of complete and total confidence. The other rawkers need to take note of that.

CRYSTAL: Since when are people from South Africa such badasses? Shouldn't she be saving the continent from AIDS or something? Do they really have the time to be rockers? Priorities, people, priorities. Anyway, with her boxing (I say boxing) shoes and the black, ballerina ribbon on her arm she makes the striking statement that she is the woman to watch, if only for her falliable sense of fashion. Satin cargo pants, huh? Yeah. Still really cool in South Africa, I'm sure.

GINA: Dude, Charlize Theron's mom is from South Africa, and she totally shot her husband to death. Plus, the main villian in Lethal Weapon 2 was South African. There's an arguement to be made that South Africans are badasses. I mean, if its featured in the Lethal Weapon films, then it's true.

CRYSTAL: I just mean they should have other things to be taking care of. And dude? A Lethal Weapon 2 reference??

JOSH LOGAN

GINA: Now this might just be me, but is anyone else getting the vibe from him? You know, a gay vibe? Is it wrong that that makes me like him a lot better?

CRYSTAL: Josh mistook tonight's performance for a super swell concert by Dave Matthews Band. Let us just dissect this, shall we? I hate his earrings and hair, for reasons already discussed, they are reminiscent of JC Chavez pre-mullet days. His sweater is something a freshman soriority girl would get for her new boyfriend for Christmas. It came with his own copy of "The Wedding Crashers." His freshly shredded pants are not giving him any Rock n Roll credibility. (Above the knee?? Make it look halfway authentic people, come on!) His belt is the only thing rock-ish and even that is generic. He is straight up pop candy...and I ain't liking it. Are we sure he's not another one of those Lachey brothers?

GINA: I know, but I can forgive it all if he's gay. Well, not his JC Penney olive thermal, because it is screwing with the Sparkly Rocker motif he's got going with his accessories. I think Crystal is right. He's a former boybander trying to adapt to these Rock and Roll is Cool Again times. Eight years ago this guy was singing in a mall in Orlando wearing a basketball uniform and a backwards, side-ways visor.

MATT HOFFER

GINA: How sad am I that Matt was the first to go home? So many "Lead Singer of Keane" jokes wasted. I heard this toolbox tried out for The Apprentice before finally landing on Rock Star. You can tell. This looks so forced. Graphic tee with hipster sportscoat? Yup. Matched with chucks and jeans? You betcha! Girl haircut? Wouldn't leave home without it! He looks like an accountant.

Also, I've found out that I have some bias against Chicago Real Esate Rockers and a bias for Homeless Canadian Rockers. Who knew?

CRYSTAL: I'm kinda sorry Matt got kicked off. I think he could have done great things with his hair. I mean, like tonight, it looks like Sally Field's in Steel Magnolias...tomorrow he could pull it back, spike it out and look like Pat Benatar. Sad really. His clothes weren't that bad either, not boring, but not exceptional. I'm still down with the t-shirt jacket combo. I wear it myself at times. Matt is lucky in a way, it's like dying young, he never lasted long enough to get really ugly.

GINA: Matt is totally the Hey Guys I'm Cool dude at the party. Constantly scanning the room to see if we appreciate how hip he is. How broken in his chucks are. How his bangs are mussed just so. But since he's not naturally cool, the whole thing comes off kinda desperate and sweaty and pretty soon you start hearing people saying stuff like, "I know! He's so creepy" and laughter but you don't know they are talking about you, so you weakly laugh like you know what's going on. Maybe I'm glad he's gone after all. He's a bit of a sad sack. According to my made up backstory, of course.

RYAN STAR

GINA: You guys, I think Ryan cuts himself. Why else is he wearing greyed, unhygenic, guauze wrapped around the middle of his forearm? Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him too much. I don't want to be responsible for his self mutilation.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to make fun of him.

I think he was going for a "sexy" stare, (shudder) and got confused along the way and instead looks like he wants to bang you after he beats the living shit out of you.

CRYSTAL: Sigh. I am going to pretend, for the rest of the show, that this very attractive Ryan is hungover and not trying to look sexy for the camera. I think I can do it, I can fool myself a lot. I once convinced myself that a certain TV personality and I were getting married. I had everything planned out and arranged, the flowers, music, giant honking cake. It was only on the big day, standing in an empty church in a white gown that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. Ah, imaginations. They do get the best of us. I like Ryan's look here, the not so boring black t-shirt, jeans, boots, an Ace bandage to cover up the probable Staph infection. That's hot.

GINA: I'm sorry about that whole wedding thing. I know I should have told you what was going on, but you were so happy, and I just didn't have the heart. I honestly don't know how you can find this cheeseball attractive, though. I want nothing to do with your fake emotions, Ryan. It's gonna take more than a little snarling and some puppy dog faces to win me over.

JENNY GALT

GINA: First off, girl needs to eat a sandwich. She looks consumptive. Or like a white Ethiopian. I know some people are naturally very thin, but she...really needs to eat. Seriously.

CRYSTAL: Sans midriff, Jenny is hooching it up just right for the The Holy Perverts of Supernova. Her skirt, a Christina Aguilera Original, was an off the rack special. Which is appropriate because it hangs on her like it would on a coathanger; showcasing the muscle ligaments she calls legs. Gina's right, get this girl to Quizno's...she needs a sandwich.

GINA: She even looks hungry in this picture, like the photographer was dangling a pizza in front of her to get the proper facial expression.

MAGNI AGIERSSON

GINA: So Magni looks like the guy at college who was always hosting Dance, Dance Revolution tournaments in your dorm and being kind of annoying, yet nice. I know he's a "STAR" in his native Iceland, (as he was so kind to remind us of) but I'm not seeing it. If you told me he was a TA I would believe it. So there you go.

CRYSTAL: If this guy walked up to me in a bar and started talking I would pretend I didn't hear him and walk the other way. That is mean and cruel but let's take a look at him. Besides his ultra boring, "I'm hanging at the mall with my girlfriend this Friday night," clothes, the white guy shaved head DOES NOT WORK. I'll repeat. DOES NOT WORK. Let me assure all white, prematurely balding men considering this option that it does not have the same effect for white men like it does for black men. You will not look suave, classy or put together. You look like a giant penis. Period.

GINA: I still sort of like Magni. I don't know why. At least he's not trying too hard. Or at all. Okay, he's trying more than Phil, but not by much.

TOBY RAND

GINA: Step away from the tanning booth, Toby, the fact that you are Austrailian is no excuse because the last time I checked they had SPF 25 over there. He looks like the male version of Tara Reid.

CRYSTAL: Toby smells. I have a good sense for these things. He hasn't showered for days. The dude has been out on a surfing/camping/pot smoking binge and decided because he touched water, its as good as. I'll bet he smells like wet dog, bong water and BO.

GINA: My friend got into an arguement with her boyfriend over that very thing. She told him that he smelled and to get away from her and take a shower and he replied, "What? I went swimming!" Like that made him not stink and be clean. Oh, boys. So loveable, yet so dumb.

STORM LARGE

GINA: Storm wins my "Hey, I Really Didn't Think I was Going to Like Her, But I Do" award. She looks pretty hotttt in this ensemble. She's got an authenticity about her. My only quibble is her limp, manic panic-ed hair.

CRYSTAL: I have a confession. I forgot the show was on (yikes!) last Wednesday and missed about half of it. I did not see Storm's performance so I cannot join in on the praise parade that Gina bestowed. I do know this, however, by just looking at her photo...pants cut that low are repulsive. If your cooch is two snaps and an ill timed jump from being on display, try on a different pair.

I have this horrible feeling I am going to run plum out of "whore" and "slut" and "prostitute" jokes this season by the third or fourth post. Shit.

GINA: You really are. We're going to have to get more creative.

JILL GOIA

GINA: So once, my ex-boyfriend asked me if he could cut off the bottom of my tank top, because he wanted me to look like some Tarzan meets Jane bullshit. I let him do it because I'm very, very, nice. But after it was all done, he asked me to change because I just looked stupid and funny. Kind of like Jill. Also, those fucking flea market disco purses are bad enough. WE DON'T NEED VESTS MADE OUT OF THE SAME SHIT. Thank You.

CRYSTAL: Hey. We already have a Shakira...a cool one. There is no need for a substitute. Take your belly chains, giant jugs and two-toned, curly hair and skedaddle back to the hole you birthed out of. Don't worry, we won't miss you. In fact, I've forgotten your name already.

ZAYRA ALVERZ

GINA: I want to like this, becauase for some Godforesaken reason I think she's cool. This would have worked without the train. Why, Zayra? You transformed yourself from "Coked-Out-Impossibly-Cool-European-Model" to looking like something Donna would wear to Prom on 90210.

CRYSTAL: I almost like it as well and have the same problem with it. To me, it is reminescent of nature films about bees that I've seen. She has to drag that train around like a giant, pregnant Queen bee carries her heavily egged ass around. Zayra is the cool one, dammit. Her hair and confidence exude it...ugh...

I'm gonna give her a break on this one because she's all foreign and shit, but I can''t bestow the same lienenacy on the boys. I think it's already been established that I am a woman of many double standards, and, I don't think I should have to explain myself to you people.

GINA: Here's the saddest part of all. Zayra, you are cool enough to work a spandex catsuit with random fabric tied around your waist. Do you realize how lucky you are? There are maybe 300 hundred people in this world that can do that. Don't get greedy. Please don't go to the Ellie Mae place anymore. Please.

PATRICE PIKE

GINA: And I think we've found our Suzie. Oh, Patrice, poor, poor, Patrice. Where do we start? The four-year-old-knitted-me coverup or the black bra? The hair streaks? The bracelets? The sideways buckle with tailored pants? The cool eight years ago Frakenstein clodhoppers? The obvious lack of shame? You look like my Mom, Patrice. If she were, you know......white.

CRYSTAL: Gina, that is so totally rude. Your mom is way cooler than Patrice. Even her pose makes her look like a doofus. To live in a truly fair world, each woman on Earth should receive the same amount of cluelessness as the next. No one should be at this much of a disadvantage. But we do not live in a fair world, do we? And Patrice is looking like the first runner up in the Bi-State area's Junior Dumbass Faux Rocker Pageant. I think this woman could use a full legnth mirror.

GINA: You're right. My mom would totally have sense enough to never wear something like this. I love you, Moms. It's times like these when I wish I still had Ellie Mae to blame shit on. I still can't believe that someone would choose to wear this. I think the part that bothers me the most is that I think that belt came with the pants. That she got off the clearance rack at Gordman's. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn, dude. You're gonna be on television. You might want to spring for something that I can't see the silver paint chipping off of.

DANA ANDREWS

GINA: Crystal, you have once again proven yourself to be much smarter than me. Dana is totally the poor one. Ill fitting, too short pants, fingerless gloves, wallet chain, a choker. All the parts fit. She's got that Gretchen Wilsonesque Trailer Face, and generally resembles a white trash Rachel Bilson.

CRYSTAL: Three words: Jerry Springer Guest.

CHRIS PEIRSON

GINA: All I can think when I see this is "I wish Marty would have worn this last year". It's a good ensemble, nicely accessorized, but I find Chris so off putting that I can't bring myself to like it. Chris reminds me of Brandon. Like he's the Classy David Bowie of Neandrathals and Brandon was the Barefoot Chris Robinson. Reminding me of Brandon is no way to win points.

CRYSTAL: You know what I kept thinking?? That he kinda looks like Marty. I think its the nose and the haircut. But, while I liked Marty's personality, I totally dislike Chris. "I'm one of the best singers in the world." I nearly coughed up my Diet Coke when he made that proclamation. If he's one of the best singers in the world, then I'm Princess freaking Leia. He must have a hard on for people making fun of him...'cause I'm gonna make it my mission to verbally beat the shit out of this guy.

GINA: Sometimes, people just ask for it. It doesn't make a difference, but it goes a looooooong way with the not feeling guilty over it part.

The Rawkers: A Preview

2006-06-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

A little birdie passed us a note that there were pics of the rawkers available on the internet. We decided to just start right in with the judging.

Chris Peirson

GINA: I see Chris has decided to go with the bouffant style of rock n roll hairdos. This exact cut and style has become a pandemic lately, leaving me only to wonder, “Don’t these tools realize that their hair is exactly the same as that douchebag from the Goo Goo Dolls?” I mean, honestly.

CRYSTAL: I get it. Chris is the sensitive one, right? He has the “I’m a poet, which is totally a real job” scarf, thoughtfully placed folded hands, yet legs wide apart to project a manly crotch so we chicks know he only has eyes for us.

Hate him already.

GINA: Yeah, I think I would be perfectly happy if all pouty, sensitive, dudes cried themselves into a coma for the next 5-7 years.

CRYSTAL: There goes half the Billboard’s Top 40…

GINA: I promise that this isn't about me being a snob. It's just so fucking boring. Okay, and I'm a bit of a snobby bitch, too.

Dana Andrews

GINA: Her dainty and pretty features are not exactly giving her loads of rock credibility. I don’t feel like I’m looking at rock singer. I feel like I’m looking at a 15 year old model for the Delia*s catalogue, and like, Dana was totally rocking out to some Ashlee Simpson and Natasha Bedingfield during the shoot. And thinking about how she’s totally gonna be soooOOOOoooOOOOooo punk rock next year at school, because she’s like, a rebel, and stuff.

CRYSTAL: Really? You’re getting Delia*s vibe from Dana? That might be giving her too much credit. I was thinking more JC Penny. Circa 1995. I think Shannon Doughtery’s Brenda from 90210 would have maimed Donna for those chokers. And Donna would have deserved it. Well, Gina, I think we’ve found the “poor one.” I see many more midriffs in our future.

GINA: I don’t know. I don’t think her mom is going to let her get away with such brazen hussiness. She is still only a child after all. She’s not coming off poor to me so much as young, and I’m far too lazy to look up how old she is, (On dial up right now, folks, I don’t have hours) and I think that is kind of ruining the vibe for me.

CRYSTAL: Dude. Of course she’s wearing more midriffs. She’s rebelling against her mom right now. They totally had a bitch fit before she left for Cali. She was supposed to start college in the fall…. Not be a summertime television loser that ugly bitches make fun of on the internet.

Dilana

GINA: Now this is what I have come to expect from Rock Star. I think we may have encountered Brandon’s Neolithic counterpart, if I am to judge on her dried, leathery, husk, and “wasn’t even cool in ’95” kool-aid hair dye streak. And this tank top-whatever that she is wearing must be from the Mizzae collection. Why else would there be a little strap over her chest and up ONE arm? Not that this was ever going to be acceptable, but…really, shouldn’t she be lying on a motorcycle in a thong at a car show right now?

CRYSTAL: “Dilana” is Greek for: two heartbeats from deciding “yes” on that Botox makeover. It really is sad in a way. Fortunately for me, I was born without sympathy for middle aged, over exposed, fake tanned, fake tittied, attention whore queens. Now that I’m thinking about it though, I’ll bet Tommy Lee has already fucked her; they’re right up each other’s alley. He probably bought her that top at a local Sturgis Memories Bike shop and told her every time she wears it, he’ll be right there with her.

Jenny Galt

GINA: Jenny Galt looks even more Avril than Suzie did. I can’t even deal with her right now, and its a little picture and you can’t tell what she’s wearing aside from the female pop-lite standard issue tank top. I can already tell that I am not going to be able to stand her.

CRYSTAL: I only hope I can muster the Suzie sized anger this season that filled me with inspiration last time ‘round. I can also hope that Jenny will replace my little fashion retard. I know, of course, these are idle dreams and that no one could be a substitute for that spastic, lame, mispronouncing, accessories abusing, crybaby in my heart. Although, Jenny does seem to have a promising start with her faux smoky gaze that purrs “Where am I? Is there lipstick on my teeth? What’s a Supernova?”

Does anyone know if she’s from Canada?

GINA: Dude, she is from Canada. This…this…is going to be hard. All I see is Suzie the Younger. I love how we’ve already just assigned her Suzie’s personality as well. I know that all blonde girls from Canada aren’t all the same, but what can I say? Crystal and I are violently, violently, racist.

CRYSTAL: Gina more so than me. We all know the Asians are the biggest racists ever.

GINA: Isn't it funny how something so little can be filled with so much hate?

Jill Gioia

GINA: Someone needs to tell Jill that Rock Stars are supposed to fuck strippers, not look like them. What the hell is it about these rockers and looking like they all still live in 1997? From Chris’s shitty haircut, Dilana’s homebrew dye job, and Jill’s Mariah Carey circa “Fantasy” jeans, not one of these rockers have given me any indication that we have even hit Y2K yet. Then again, if I were Tommy Lee, I’d want to live in the past, too.

CRYSTAL: What’s with the “Man Show” photo op? Girls on trampolines? Let’s focus here, Jill. Think a little more Debbie Harry a little less Jenny McCarthy. Gah. Who am I kidding here? She wants to win. Girls on trampolines is the surest way to the top of Supernoooo!va. We can tell by the vast array of the same type of whore that the men have chosen to be in the top twelve that “tramps on tramps” is exactly what they are going for.

Josh Logan

GINA: Josh is working my least favorite facial expression, the “sexy” stare. And seriously, guys, I’m going to assume that you watched the show last season, since you tried out for it this time, but yeah, you need to take a step back, clear your head, and come to terms with the fact that if you are not as hot as JD Fortune, and don’t have the same “hot-goofy-shithead” vibe as him, do NOT use the “sexy” stare. I know that is asking for too much self awareness from people, but it has got to stop because I’ve got one hand on the rape whistle with you, Josh Logan, and I’m not afraid to blow.

CRYSTAL: This is the kind of handsome-ness that will only work on desperate, middle aged moms, their ten year old girls with the glasses/braces combo and gay men with really bad taste. He’s just so dated. Those earrings and that gelled hair should have died out when that latest wave of boy bands drowned themselves on their own suckiness.

Ugh, I am thinking that when Josh heard they were holding auditions, he thought it was for the next Real World: Margaritaville.

Lukas Rossi

GINA: Oh man. Lukas, I think, is maybe one of those guys that are really cool and funny, and you like them a whole lot, but there is this part of you that is embarrassed to be seen in public with him because he has to make everything a spectacle. I can’t find any other way to explain his white Miami Vice sportscoat, blonde faux-hawk, and chinstrap. There are so many wrongs going on, but yet, I am struck by the notion that he might be cool. I don’t know what that means. Perhaps, it is that, in my personal experience, chubby ethnic guys have always been good for a laugh. (In the “with them” rather than “at them” sense)

CRYSTAL: Dude, are you sure he’s ethnic? Is Keebler Elf an ethnicity? I don’t remember learning that in anthropology, but I zoned out a lot. Is it just me or would anyone else be not all that surprised if he is about 3’8” tall? Gina, if he is a mini-rocker he TOTALLY has my vote.

GINA: Me, too. I think it’s because, in this photo at least, he’s got a big, protuberant head. That faux-hawk is not very flattering.

Mangi Asgeirsson

GINA: Mangi is a great name. I will give him that. I know that if I had known him before this, his nickname would certainly be Man-gina because I am immature and lazy. So Mangi is kind of looking like a less attractive Chris Daughtry from American Idol. I take issue with his Lenny Kravitz sunglasses and soul patch, but again, I am struck with the idea that he might be funny. Watch me be so wrong on this, but there is something about him that is screaming “smart ass” to me. Which I like.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, ooh, man boobs, pasty chalk skin, male pattern baldness (the shaved head isn’t fooling me, Mangi).…he has the making of a…rockstar?...umm, how about an algebra tutor. Seriously, look at his posture, he’s never rocked a day in his life. Yesterday he was teaching some jock how a negative and another negative can equal a positive to the quizzical-looking Neanderthal. Today, he shaved his head, put on a black leather bracelet and started listening to Creed. I’m so glad I’ve been born with see though the bullshit vision.

GINA: I still say he’s a sleeper smartass, but since I’m probably not going to watch the reality shows, it won’t really make a difference anyway.

Matt Hoffer

GINA: Matt Hoffer kind of resembles the lead singer of Keane, who, I don’t know if you’ve seen him, looks perfectly inbred. Big head, tiny, shared gene-pool eyes, huge, gaping maw. He is one of the most odd looking and unattractive people I have ever seen. That's saying something. Imagine a mangy, retarded, eagle. So Matt looks like the dude from Keane’s better looking, not as inbred, cousin. Sorry folks, I’m just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.

CRYSTAL: Just shave it off Matt! Just shave that tiny, insignificant, doesn’t make you look any sexier, face pubic hair monstrosity! Did you just miss that spot because you’re inbred like Gina said? Someone get this man a stay at home nurse, stat. He’s a danger to himself and others.

GINA: Actually, he doesn’t look inbred, but like maybe some of his distant-ish relatives are. I keep telling myself that I don’t know how old these pictures are so we are looking at these rockers in a worst case scenario.

Patrice Pike

GINA: Patrice Pike looks like a modern day version of my first grade teacher. Youngish, cute, heart full of rainbows and butterflies. She’s totally going to be the host of a revamped version of Reading Rainbow in once all this is said and done.

CRYSTAL: Who are these women? I look cooler than ALL of them, and quite frankly, speaking as someone who sees me everyday, that is totally an insult. I’m fed up already. Good jacket, though.

GINA: I know MiG is married, but if he and Patrice were able to copulate and produce a child, it would be the sweetest, kindest, shiniest (not that Patrice is shiny, she isn’t, but more that MiG is so shiny that the kid wouldn’t stand a chance) human ever. The downside? Being painfully, excruciatingly, uncool.

Phil Ritchie

GINA: Oh Phil, it is so comforting to know in this day and age of Photoshop and other advanced photo manipulation techniques, that the cheap 1987 book cover color ins will never, ever die. Seriously, I think at one point I had a 21 Jump Street book cover with Richard Greico on it that employed the same color scheme.

CRYSTAL: I miss Richard Greico! Johnny Depp totally stole his thunder. You know what the best thing about Phil’s picture here is? He is actually trying to sell himself with it. Who do you think is going to buy this product? My guess is that one record producer from Garden City, New Jersey that just now hopped on the Nickelback bandwagon. I heard that guy just got a tattoo with some sort of tribal symbol on his arm…oh, kinda like Phil’s.

GINA: I can totally see the manager guy now, chomping on a cheap cigar and brushing fried chicken crumbs out of his mustache. “Phil, you’re gonna be a stah! Now, what we’re gonna do, see, is use our finest graphic designer to get your face out there. He uses the fancy stuff, let me tell you, and I guarantee we’ll have a deal for you within a week!” I really hope Phil didn’t pay money to have this done.

CRYSTAL: Phil’s mom paid for the photos. She’s hoping to get him out of the basement once and for all.

Ryan Star

GINA: So when I first read the name Ryan Star, I immediately went to the American Idol place and was like “oh, shit”. That is some intense stare he’s got on him. He looks like John Black’s long lost son. I hope Stefano shows up and kidnaps someone and stores them in a giant bird cage again. Oh Days of Our Lives, you were once so awesome.

CRYSTAL: I cannot decide if I think this guy is really hot, or if he looks a little too much like that pond sucker David Blaine for my stomach to handle. I’m too fickle and shallow to not care about that fact. Gotta get back to you on this one.

GINA: I look at him and see more white-boy, sniffle, wounded, me and my guitar bullshit, which I could not be more sick of. And I think I've spread my distaste for that sort of thing enough, so I'm done. He...ummmm? He has nice eyes. There you go.

Storm Large

GINA: Storm Large takes the unique approach of avoiding our abuse through nudity. I hope those aren’t really her tattoos, because my head wants to explode from her tramp stamp complete with a heart and a tribal design. I do wonder if all these people who have hearts, nautical stars, and other rocker tattoo flare realize that every other wannabe rocker tool has the same tats? Also, I don’t think the utter and complete laziness in coming up with her stage name (Storm Large? Did she even try?) is boding well for her.

CRYSTAL: Umm…why doesn’t she just be a porn star already and stop wasting our time before we get too deep in this fashion excrement? And, “Storm Large”, what is she, a dude? That’s even worse than “Danny Weapons.”

***Insider Info*** This is what her “roommate” told me about how she got her name: she was looking at a threatening sky one evening and said aloud “storm.” When her roommate asked her what kind of storm she replied, “storm. large.” Right, afterwards, they went to Jack in the Box to get lunch and when the cashier asked if he could help her, she managed a “salad. chicken. asian.”

Toby Rand

GINA: Toby has frosted blonde tips and is in keeping with the Rock Star: 1996 theme we have going with our rockers. There is not really much I can say about Toby, mostly because of the tips. It was horrible when it was popular the first time, but I must say that to continue down the path unabated is both a personal affront and a crime against humanity. I don’t care how good he may turn out to be, he is as good as dead to me.

CRYSTAL: Could we swap out a Toby for a signature black guy, Mr. Burnett? I think we’ve already got a Toby and his name is Josh. You see, he has the same stupid haircut and looks just as dumb. I never thought I would be asking for it, but, could we give Ty a second chance?? Please?? Who’s gonna bring the SOUL??

GINA: Word to that Crystal. This season is looking distinctly soul-less. And quite frankly, I’d like to see Tommy Lee and Ty Taylor in a band together. If anyone has an “in” feel free to pass this bit of brilliance along. LESS FROSTED TIPS! MORE TY TAYLOR!

Zayra Alvarez

GINA: And that leaves us with Zayra, who is in the early running for best dressed. I buy her as a rocker and love her sunglasses and perfectly worn-in jeans. She looks chic and tough at the same time. I’m pretty sure she’s my favorite so far.

CRYSTAL: How is it we only get one cool girl in this entire miss-mesh skank parade? Come on! At this point I don’t even care if Zayra can sing…she’s won this shit for me. Even with the idiotic name and the slight resemblance to that crazy bitch Lara Flynn Boyle.

GINA: Shit, she does look like Lara Flynn Boyle, except like WAAAAAY cooler. Seriously, Zayra’s the only one I’d want to hang out with. Watch me eat my words in about two weeks.

Victory is Ours

2006-05-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

We have heard.
We have heard the sweet call of victory growing from the faintest of whispers to the loudest of shrieks.
She has lost the battle.
Ding motherfuckin’ Dong, the Witch is dead.
We have won.

We found the pinprick entryway into the seemingly impenetrable thick skin of Ellie Mae Aitken and she has abandoned her post as the fashion “expert” of Rockstar and hopefully with it, abandoned all hope of trying to form naive fashion pupas to her infamously, tragic mold. We have completed our job.

It is possible, of course, that she left of her own volition and never even read our blog decimating the choices du fashion. She may have felt as though her job there was done and it was time to move along, like the Jesus of Nazareth of bad fashion. She may have felt her services had now exceeded the paltry wage of six figures Mark Burnett Productions was offering her for a second season. Al l of these are possible, but to Gina and I, and hopefully our readers, we’d like to take most, if not all the credit. That bitch is gone because she sucked and we brought it to her attention.

Hopefully she’s sitting on her couch watching reruns of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 while eating buckets of fried chicken and mashed potatoes with her hands and mumbling something about how fedoras were once the most majestic of all headgear.

You may think our work here is done. You may think that we have brought the demise of our sole hate and can now retire on our laurels in the south of France reminiscing of days gone past and all the poor defenseless victims we rescued with the simple weapon of internet blogging. If only! We succeeded once, we can do it again.

The thing about rockers is that outside of music, most don’t have a clue about anything else. (Some don’t even have a clue about music, but let’s not get into that.) They will be formed. They will be convinced. They will be coersed into the most vile of clothing for the sake of a “theme” or “ratings.” And we will be there, in the dark corners, laptop in hand, ready to attack.

We hold three truths to be self-evident:
1. There will be a new fashion expert on Rockstar.
2. He/She will suck.
3. Our blog will continue.

We hope to see you all for the new season of the Supermistake, Supernova; and we hope that the announcement that Ellie Mae will not be returning will not keep you from reading about our mission of protecting fashion victims everywhere. We will continue only as long as you care!

Ellie Mae Aitken
July 2005-October 2005
May she never style again

MySpace Nerds

2006-04-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

We have a myspace profile now. Please be our friend

Rock Star: SuperNO!!!!va

2006-03-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks. Gina here. Remember us? Rememeber how we were going to blog American Idol and then I decided that I wanted to be lame and punked out? Well, that's all in the past, now that we have finally gotten wind of who will be the next rock and roll SUPERGROUP to grace the Rock Star stage.

Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you....

SUPERnooooooooooVA

And now I finally have an answer to a question that's been bothering me for a while....how can you possibly do another season of the show and find a band that is

1. Funnier
2. More washed out
3. Less relevant
4. More past their prime

than INXS? Also, speaking as someone that has paid obnoxious amounts of money to see INXS live, these are, of course, "on paper", surface, first-impression, characteristics.

Answer?

Just add Tommy Lee.

As you all know very well, I was a genuine fan of the first season. And no one was more surprised by that shit than me. Before the announcement of this new rock "Supergroup", I was willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt. I thought that maybe the producers would be able to pull another rabbit out of their hats and once again display a collective talent at shining turds. I don't think there is a shammy big enough to shine the annoying out of Tommy Lee, however. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This "Supergroup" consists of the aforementioned Tommy Lee, Mr. Jason Newsted (famous for being Metallica's most recent ex-bass player), and Gilby Clarke, who was in Guns and Roses, which rules, but...he replaced Izzy and like Izzy? Izzy was totally underrated and is FUCKING AWESOME, so it sort of negates any points that Gilby gets for being in GnR. Also the only real contribution he made to the band was on their last and worst ablum, The Spaghetti Incident. And that's only if Axl let him.

I was bored and contemplating what next season might bring, so I present to you a mini update with satorial abuse directed towards the members of this next rock "Supergroup".

After a tedious and sometimes contentious selection process (read: did a google image search and picked pictures where they are all shredding and making weird faces.) I proudly present to you rock's next SUPERGROUP, Supernova.

GINA: Wow, nothing makes me more hot than shitty tattoos, backward trucker hats, and basketball jerseys. Especially jerseys that appear to not be that of a sports team, but of some crappy nu-metal band, or most likely, for his own crappy nu-metal band. Now it is time for me to bring up Heather Locklear, as I am known to do when speaking of her ex-husbands. Crystal has even given me credit for the recent separation of Heather and her uber-tool husband, Ritchie Sambora. Somewhere a stalker in Ames, Iowa thinks me of me kindly.

CRYSTAL: There's something inheriantly disgusting about this man called Tommy Lee. I think its the knowledge of the huge dong. That to me just pushes images of date rapists and flashers through my otherwise clean and scum free mind. We just know he has fucked every single skank ass, bleached blonde (or any other hair color), groupie that has ever crossed his path. Plus, I will never understand the fascination with someone who has more black covering his body than a sealpup after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. All together, boys and girls, "Eww."
The best part about Tommy being on this show is that you just know that he and Dave Navarro are going to be trying to out cool each other in every episode. I am kinda hoping a fist fight ensues, but I think they'll just start crying and hugging each other and calling one another "bro," shamed by letting their R&R emotions to get the better of them.

Nevermind, dude, this is gonna suck.

GINA: His wang is indeed mighty...and...if I may go there for a second...have you seen the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson sex tape? Oh, who am I kidding? You haven't. That's like you asking me if I cleaned out my filth pit of a car today. So yeah, the thing about the sex tape, and those that have seen it will probably agree with me, is that is was the one and only time he was ever appealing to me for even a split of a second. Mostly because it was loving sex. Loving sex in which he did nothing but mention how hot she is, but still...he was not like I expected him to be. I mean, I still wouldn't touch him even if I had a Haz-Mat suit on, (Pam got that Hepatitis from someone, now didn't she?) and I wasn't really turned on by the sex, but for like a fourth of a fourth of a fourth of a second I could see why someone (who is not at all like me) could stand being around him for more than three minutes.

GINA: Have you ever questioned whether or not a bass player is really important to a band? I suggest you go and listen to the first Metallica album and the truth shall be self evident.(HA! That sounds like the title of a Metallica album.) I remember on television once, there was this show on MTV or VH1 or whatever, and it was about people who are obsessed with dead rock stars. There was a segment about Cliff Burton, and you would think it would be some 35 year old dude with long hair and a beard, drinking a Natural Light, babbling about how Metallica are a bunch of pussy sell-outs now and how the band went to shit after Cliff died. But it was totally this like, 18 year old girl, which sort of ruled, in a genuine way. Well, aside from the creepy obssesion with dead people. Oh yeah, Jason Newsted. I'll get to that in a minute.

CRYSTAL: My friend Amanda and I went to see a band play in the college town in Iowa she was living in a few years ago. The bassist for the band managed to talk to my leggy friend and he was smitten (later admitting to me that he was falling in love with her...yeah). The bassist wouldn't leave our side--and by "our" I mean her side, which just happened to be next to me--and he almost acted like he did not want to go play because she might get away. Anyway, as the band was playing I noticed the keyboard player acting very wierdly and I told Amanda that I saw him earlier in the bar and I was really surprised that this low life looking guy was with the band...at which point Amanda said, "Trust me, keyboardists are never 'with the band.' " At which I replied, "Yeah, that's how I feel about bass players."
So I completely echo the sentiments that Gina said. The bassist is only like half with the band. Easily replaced. Except Gary from INXS. Someone has to be the hot one.

GINA: Ummm....actually, I was arguing in favor of the bassists make a difference theory. The Cliff Burton Metallica albums (Kill Em All, Ride the Lightning, and Master of Puppets) are pretty fucking good. Like, I'm not the biggest metal fan, but there is a time and a place (For me, generally on long road trips when I am tired. Reign in Blood by Slayer was made for such occasions.) Oh, right, I'm supposed to talk about Jason Newsted. I have this thing, and I can't explain it, and there certainly isn't any sort of rational explaination for it, but I can never, ever, buy a dude with curly hair as a tough guy. I suppose I make an automatic feminine association with the idea of curly hair. So this whole scowl, playing-the-bass-like-I-mean-it thing is coming off a little girly for me.

CRYSTAL: I misunderstood. My opinion is that bassists don't really matter. And it stands.

GINA: So, I don't know if this is an old or new picture or what, because finding a picture of Gilby Clarke was hard because he looks different in all of them. I don't even know if this is really him, but I hope to God that it is. I love how he sort of looks like Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison, during the bloated end. Or like he's Dave Navarro's slovenly, drunk, older brother. Like, he appears out of nowhere at one of Dave's Camp Freddy shows, all "Bro, you gotta let me sit in with you guys". Dave doesn't want to do it because y'know, the guy's a total boozehound and can't really play the guitar very well. But Gilby's like, "Bro, that's so fuckin' weak. Big Rock Star Dave can't let his own flesh and blood rip with him." and Dave finally gives in. And Gilby's screaming "WOOOOOO!" and jumping up and down and shit and just, like, randomly pawing at the strings of the guitar.

CRYSTAL: I don't know who this guy is. However, he is the perfect groom topper for this washed out wedding cake called "Supernova." If God is indeed good, Gilby better be the the mouthy one of the group, the one always speaking for everybody, telling it like it is, cutting Dave off, pissing off the contestants as they go, "who the fuck is that?" There is nothing more purely funny than someone who doesn't know his place. Gilby rules.

GINA: I completely agree. At this point, Gilby is my hands down, no contest, favorite. It's not quite at Tim Fariss porportions, but with a little care and tenderness, I could grow to love to laugh at him even more than I did Tim. I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty good about the next season. At least from a "make fun of it" standpoint.

Well, that's all for now. We'll see you again in May! Oh my God, this shit is going to be awesome.

Let the American Idol blogging begin!

2006-01-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

Here we are 2 weeks from the start of AI and as the anticipation builds, Crystal and I will be presenting you with favorite Idol memories, quotes, thoughts, etc during this countdown to the event that is AI. Come visit us at American Idol: The Best Worst Ever

The Crystal and Gina Fashion Awards Spectacular!

2005-12-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know we said this was a “Tragedy in 10 Parts…” but, you know, you really have to take everything we say with a 10 pound grain of salt. We’re mouthy ladies and we still have some things to get off our chests.

I would personally like to thank each one of you for your continuing support, comments and those who have linked us. I would also like to thank those of you who referred to us as “mean-spirited,” “talentless, blind bitches,” or my favorite, the condescendingly beautiful “just girls.” We enjoy the critiques almost as much as the compliments…it swells our egos when we know people are talking about us. I only have one complaint. Folks, this is your last chance, please leave your comments on the Blog! Don’t hide by posting your thoughts on your friendly, neighborhood board, let us see what you have to say. I can assure everyone, we will not argue with you. We will not retaliate. I, for one, do not argue opinions of “pop culture,” it’s just too low, so leave them here, with us. It is your last chance…

For our final Fashion Tragedy post (aww, a twinge) we have a treat. We have created our very own Rock Star Awards Show! We have taken everything that was the best and the worst and the "best because it was so hilariously awful” and gave rockers awards accordingly.

We hope you enjoy the Awards Show and we hope you’ve enjoyed our site. If you haven’t enjoyed it…(shrug)…as a someone more intelligent than me once said “you can’t please all the people all the time.”

Very Truly Yours,

Crystal

BEST HAIR-TIM FARISS

GINA: The moment I saw Tim's hair, I knew that this was the show for me. I loved that the size of his hairdo let me know when it was humid in LA. I loved that at times it was brown, at times blonde, but it always proud. I have never seen hair that was so happy to be alive. Yes, I have seen the recent pictures with it cut off, and Crystal has consoled me with the notion that he is getting ready to go on tour and that it will be back in all of it's leonine glory by the time I get to see them. My heart weeps at the idea of seeing Tim sans his beautiful curls and if there is any hope in this world, his Rock Star mane will be in full effect.

CRYSTAL: I will only concur with everything that Gina says about Tim’s hair. It is a most important member of INXS…if not the most important.

WORST HAIR AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON

GINA: How to make an attractive 35 year old woman look like a 45 year old bar slut in 3 easy steps:

1. Take her long, thick, otherwise normally beautiful hair and bleach it within an inch of its life.
2. Collect beads, sparklers, ribbons, leather shoelaces, buttons, jingle bells, glitter, feathers, and barrettes, hoping to make her head weigh roughly 900 pounds.
3. Arrange said follicle ornaments in the manner of a six year old, separating the hair into 25 sections. Attach seven or more ornaments to each section until complete.

WORST USE OF ACCESSORY AWARD-SUZIE MCNEIL

GINA: Where to even start with this? For me, it was a close race between Ty’s frosted Mohawk tips and Suzie purple bell sleeves with glove and giant ring. Then I really thought about it, and Suzie is by far the worst repeat offender in the accessories department. From her “Queen of the Bottom Three” hat to the pink tunic sticking out from underneath her skirt, Suzie makes me sad for the day that humanity decided to decorate themselves with jewelry, scarves, and the like. Suzie proved herself to be all too malleable, and EM was allowed to run with full reign through Suzie’s wardrobe and that is never a good thing, as we all witnessed this summer. Uh, congratulations, Suzie. I guess.

CRYSTAL: I’ve said this before and I’ll probably say this again…Canada, this is your problem. I don’t want anything to do with her chickenwire belts, hair extensions, fingerless gloves, whore boots and/or her big goofy smile. I was pulling for her to win this award over Ty for the ginormous orange ring she wore with the purple-Prince jacket…the one she even wore when she ATE DINNER THAT NIGHT. That ring tipped the scale BIG TIME. I seriously don’t even know how she could lift her hand…I honestly wished it had been a little heavier and made it impossible to pull the microphone to her mouth that night.

BEST PROVIDER OF COMEDIC MATERIAL AWARD-BRANDON CALHOON

CRYSTAL: When I first heard Gina utter the words “Gah, he’s Encino Man!” I knew there was something special about Brandon. The shape of his face, the protruding forehead, the way his mouth moves like a Muppet when he talks, the small, beady eyes….THE CLOTHES…he makes everything too easy. But I think I speak for Gina when I say that’s okay with us, anyone who is too hard to make fun of is usually never worth the effort.

GINA: His face is what fascinates me the most. The large, sloping forehead, tiny, flat eyes, and the prominent jaw create a jarring Caveman aesthetic and have we learned nothing from Will Ferrell? It is hilarious when Cavemen sing. Then we move on to his performance skills which consisted largely of incoherent, nonsensical flailing and mushy mouthed, overconfident delivery and what is there to not make fun of? You know, if Brandon ever read this he would probably want to stab me in the face and, really? Can't blame him. But let me say right now that if that ever happened, all this was completely worth it.

BEST FACIAL HAIR AWARD-KIRK PENGILLY

CRYSTAL: Nothing makes me giggle faster than a face full of caricatured facial hair. And that being said, Kirk, you have some of the best I’ve ever seen. Just the fact you allow yourself to walk around in public, in daylight no less, with that pencil mustache and a goatee making a perfect triangle…makes me fall in love. I love anyone who makes me laugh. Kirk, I love you.

GINA: Do you all remember the guy from the Backstreet Boys who had the crazy-manicured facial hair? I like to think of Kirk as his dad. You know, you've just got to appreciate anyone who will rock a Satan pencil beard and those little John Lennon thick framed glasses and still feel good about himself. You were a band geek when you were younger, weren't you Kirk? You don't have to lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore, but you totally were, right?

BEST RACK AWARD-DEANNA JOHNSON

GINA: There was much temptation to give this one to MiG, but in the end the sheer magnitude of Deanna's chest was too much to deny. You have very large breasts, Deanna, and for that we give you a tip of the hat. Nice hoots.

CRYSTAL: Deanna, don’t be offended by this. Think of yourself as the would-be best looking hooker in a cat-house. With those headlights, you could pay for that recording studio you’re hubby went bankrupt to build in like three months. Six, tops.

MOST LIKELY NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN AWARD-JESSICA ROBINSON

CRYSTAL: There is comfort in the solace and peace that washes over after you have failed miserably at the goal that could have made your future wondrous. Your clenched jaw has relaxed, your neck ache has dulled, your burning throat is cooled…you have lost…and you will never regain what you may have had. I understand this all too well, Jessica, as do you. For this we present to you this award: You know no one will ever hear from you again, but look at it this way, Jess, at least you’re sleeping through the night once more.

BEST IMPRESSION OF A ROCK STAR AWARD-NEAL CARLSON

CRYSTAL: I know I’m not the only one with the opinion that Neil left way too soon. For this, we present the Award for the man who did the Best Impression of a Rock Star. I could have seen him do great things if it wasn’t for the fatal flaw of, uh, singing that HORRIBLE summer of ’69 song…and singing it badly. I liked Neil, he was a character, plus he was skinnier than any 10 mile a day running, stringy haired, finger-down-her-throat supermodel, and that’s just funny.

CUTEST COUPLE AWARD-MARTY CASEY AND JORDIS UNGA

GINA: If sexual tension were a river in the United States than Marty and Jordis would be the Mississippi. As someone who didn’t watch the reality shows, I still caught on to the notion that, at least on Marty’s part, they were totally into each other. Then I saw Jordis’ boyfriend, and he might be a really nice guy and treat her like gold, but based on first impressions, Jordis could do about a million times better. His band can’t be that good, lady. Take some advice from me, you two, and get on with it already. I love couples that look completely opposite from each other because it is great fun imagining what their children might look like. In a situation like that they are either going to look like models or freaks. With these two I’m thinking models. Do the world a favor, Marty and Jordis, please procreate and make beautiful, talented (and maybe a little creepy if they take after Dad) babies.

BEST CANADIAN AWARD-JD FORTUNE

CRYSTAL: I know this will not come as a shock, but the award goes to…JD. And on a more personal note can I add that I was duly impressed with the Canadians on this show? Like, this wasn’t the winter Olympics…this is Rock ‘n Roll (or an INXS/CBS watered down version of R&R) but still, the Canadians kicked ass. Blame Canada Indeed!

GINA: You know, Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers, and JD Fortune almost make up for foisting Celine Dion on an unsuspecting America (and the world....have you no shame???). Thanks, Canada, for alerting me to the fact that Canadian dudes are freaking hot. I don't know if you all were planning on keeping that shit a secret, but our next vacation will be our friendly northern neighbors. You had better not be fucking with us, I will be so pissed if JD is an anomaly and it's all ugly dudes everywhere.

BEST USE OF “FIERCENESS” AWARD-TY TAYLOR

GINA: Respect must be paid to the scary model poses that Ty graced us with week after week. You can practically hear the vaguely European photographer. Yeah, Ty, that's it. Give me attitude! Show me who's King Bitch! Work it, sex the camera, Ty. SEX THE CAMERA. That is actually what Ty hears in his head. Don't ask me how I know, it's a really long story and I won't bore you with the details.

CRYSTAL: Oh Gina, just tell them. Alright, I will. Gina likes stealing and then reading other people’s diaries. Then she tells me all about it. Trust me, Ty’s could be a best seller.

BEST SHAPESHIFTER AWARD-MARTY CASEY

CRYSTAL: Being a person born with a face that makes every stranger I meet seem to say “I think I’ve seen you somewhere” or “I have a cousin that looks just like you,” I can understand how this award might irritate Martin. For that, I apologize. Just know you’re not alone, Changeling. You’re not alone.

GINA: As I have said before Marty has a future in the CIA if he ever decides to quit rocking. Here is a short list of celebrities and other notable persons he resembles: David Spade, David Bowie, Tom Petty, Thomas Hayden Church, Julian Sands, The gelfling in "The Dark Crystal", Natasha Richardson, and Tom Felton.

BEST CAVEMAN AWARD-BRANDON “PEACOCKIN’” CALHOON

GINA: The best part about his award is that it's just an excuse to make fun of Brandon again. But for serious guys.....for serious, it's like I sat down and wrote a story that magically came to life. Like, I would write this funny little story about this caveman that was unfrozen and the first thing he listened to was the Spin Doctors and the second thing he heard was The Black Crowes, and he wanted to be a rock star and at first everyone loved him, because America loves an untalented freak (see William Hung, although I will admit that Brandon is definitely more talented) and then we cast him aside because we are fickle and cruel and everyone is over the joke. Then he goes and lives in the woods and no one ever hears from him again and the world is so ecstatic that it could just choke.

CRYSTAL: This is the story I plan to read to my future children at bedtime. Then I’ll tell them Brandon lives under their bed (not the woods), you know, for kicks.

THE COOLEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO STAR SEARCH AWARD-JORDIS UNGA

CRYSTAL: I am giving this award to Jordis because: I wanna be cool like Jordis. I don’t want to have to ask my mom (again) why she let me continue to be such a dork for so long. Please, God, make me cool like Jordis. Oh! and can I say, shame on you Star Search, you obviously would not know real talent if it crawled up Ed McMahon’s ass and did an Irish jig.

GINA: Obviously we were grasping at straws a little bit with this one. We wanted to give Jordis her own award because she totally kicks ass and this was the best we could do. I’m with you, Crystal, I wanna be cool like Jordis. We love her here at RSFT. Not her clothes, but her as a person. Star Search never knew what they were missing and there is a definite part of me that wants to be BFF with you. You rock.

BEST MAN NIPPLES AWARD-DAVE NAVARRO

GINA: In this award, at least, “best” does not mean better than everyone else, it means Dave’s were exposed more than anyone else’s (even MiG!) and those two nubs of flesh on his upper chest are owed a shout out. I’m sure that they are conditioned after all this time of prolonged exposure, resistant to extreme heat and cold, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving. They are the workhorse of the Navarro wardrobe and we give them an official pat on the back. Dave, make sure to work in a little extra lotion on them as a thank you through these dry, winter months.

CRYSTAL: I have begun to hate everything about men’s nipples after this show. I mean, what do they need them for anyway? I don’t like that a discolored, weirdly pointed, tough patch of skin is the focal point of any “man.” I’m sick of them. I would sign a petition tomorrow to get rid of them altogether. I mean, for men, at least.

BEST LOOKING MEMBER OF INXS AWARD-GARY BEERS

CRYSTAL: This award from me comes with a condition, Gary…I love the way you look, I think you are by far the best looking member of INXS, but by-God, you’ve got to get rid of the leather pants. I’m sorry, but it’s not 1988 anymore, they ain’tcoming back, Gary, no matter how hard you try. And more importantly, leather pants don’t breathe, that can’t be good for the ‘ol package.

GINA: To me, at least, there is a slightly creepy feeling attached to finding people my parents' age attractive. Like I may as well be carrying a sign that says, "I Have Daddy Issues". Gary, you make me uncomfortable in the best way possible. I agree with Crystal on the leather pants. It's like the middle-aged woman who still shops in the juniors section. It makes you look older, not younger. I would kill to see you in a nice, simple suit and tie. Mmmmm.....old guys.

THE “SEE HOW QUICKLY A GOOD THING CAN BE DESTROYED” AWARD-JD FORTUNE

CRYSTAL: I prefer to call this “Crystal’s Personal Bone of Contention Award.” One, because my ego is so large that I like to have my name on EVERYTHING. And two, I hate Ellie Mae for doing this to JD…she doesn’t deserve her job. She doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as JD, much less touch him on a weekly basis. I’m sick of thinking about it. Congratulations on your Award and watch your back.

GINA: This award best illustrates our most important point. The canvasses on which Ellie Mae created her “art” were good ones. Handsome and pretty ones. All it takes is one K-Mart Jacqueline Smith Collection grandma button up to utterly annihilate it; Nagasaki-style. We are thinking about bringing a civil case against Ellie Mae for emotional distress and let me tell you right now that this will be exhibit A.

Best Outfit in a Performance Show

Nominees:

. Marty Casey-Week Three (eagle shirt with red wrist bands)
2. JD Fortune-Week Eleven (Finale suit)
3. Brooke Burke-Week Seven (red dress with roman sandal)
4. Jordis Unga-Week Two (black with silver scarf and black gloves)
5. Marty Casey-Week Ten (purple button up with black pants)

Winner-Marty Casey Week Three

Worst Outfit in a Perfomance Show

Nominees

1. Suzie McNeil-Week Two (pink tunic, jean skirt)
2. Ty Taylor-Week Six (plaid pants, mohawk ponytail)
3. MiG Ayesa-Week Seven (skull pants)
4. Suzie McNeil-Week Eight (purple bell sleeves)
5. MiG Ayesa-Week Four (white leather pants with horrible multi colored jacket)

Winner-Suzie McNeil Week Eight

ELLIE MAE AIKEN MEMORIAL FASHION FUCK UP AWARD-MiG AYESA

GINA: While I can't blame MiG for playing to his strengths, which are that he is essentially a more butch Davy Jones, I can't forgive the offensive amounts of man-cleavage and tight pants that were your permanent costumes. It was a close race with Suzie, but the skull pants and white leather tie ups were the clinchers. You are a nice guy, funny, immensely likeable and all that. I won't take that away from you. I do revoke your liscense to appear on television without written costume approval from me, however, and you will be hearing from my lawyers.

CRYSTAL: MiG, I love ya. I would probably hang my head in shame and self-loathing if I ever met you. But you have to understand, you do not have to follow the rules of “it’s not a party unless I’m showing my best assets,” because, honestly, your assets kinda give me the heebie jeebies. Seriously, let your wife take over from here…you obviously have something about letting EVERYONE walk all over you. Your wife seems nice. Let her do the walking.

FASHION MVP—THE CRYSTAL AND GINA FASHION EXCELLENCE AWARD-MARTY CASEY

CRYSTAL: It’s Marty. Was there ever any doubt? Marty helped make the thought that the Ellie Mae plague would never reach widespread epidemic. Marty, dressing well each show was so much more than just pleasing aesthetics…it was for the good of all mankind. For that, we salute you.

GINA: Duh....Marty. No contest. We couldn't even think of anyone else to be in the running. Thank you for being there when we needed you. Thank you for making us feel like we weren't crazy and that everyone really did look like a music video gone terribly wrong. Thank you for being you, Marty. We love you.

So there it is, folks, the end. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was occasionally funny, occasionally (okay, mostly) mean-spirited. It took three fucking months, but here we are. Thank you to every person that read this even if they didn’t think it was very funny and never came back. It really meant a lot. I would like to close this out by sharing a secret with you all. I obsessively check sitemeter to see how many hits we’ve gotten, if anyone’s linked to us, or whatever. And if there is nothing else to be proud of, we can be proud of this: When you look up the following things on search.msn.com you will find RSFT on the first page of results.

1. 90’s Porno Star
2. “leather pants” ass fuck boots
3. Prince Pussy Patrol pics
4. Breastfeeding photos
5. sheen spandex asshole
6. pictures of raped booties
7. I want to fuck JD Fortune

So the biggest thanks goes to Ellie Mae Aiken. If you were not half as bad as you are, we would have never felt the need to start this blog. This is for you, Ellie Mae, to remind you every day of how badly you suck. Thanks.

Also of note is the fact that we will be doing a little something for the upcoming season of American Idol. Not another Fashion Tragedy, per se, although a lot of the clothes on that show are absolute puke. So come and join us in January for more snarktastic fun. The blog is located at http://aithebestworstever.blogspot.com. So if all goes well, and we haven’t alienated you with RSFT, stop by American Idol: The Best Worst Show on Television and we’ll see if we can’t manage to offend you this time.

Additionally, we will be attending the INXS show in sunny Las Vegas come the end of January. We hear that many of you bitches will also be there. So maybe we'll see you around! I'll probably be shitfaced, just to warn you, and if you think I'm obnoxious now you should see me when I'm wasted! Crystal a the more responsible, quieter, drunk. So yeah, Vegas and JD. Good Times.

Love, hugs, kisses, puppies and butterflies,

Gina

Week Eleven-The Final Countdown

2005-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

Well, it is down to just three of those Rock Star Wannabes. How impressed was everyone else that INXS did not go the obvious PC route and have Suzie in the final three? My respect for them went up exponentially after booting her. It was a good run for these three. They got their names in the papers and the Internet, their faces were all over television and, more importantly, they were very significant characters on RS:INXS A Fashion Tragedy.

This week we have decided to quickly go through the final three rockers, because let's face it; no one really looks all that terrible. Then (for our pleasure) we will be going through some little extra photos that are especially near and dear to our hearts. We laugh at, we cry for, we love you rockers. You have so made this whole experience enjoyably hil-larious. Gina and I appreciate anyone who is good for a laugh and you guys have made our stomachs cramp at one time or another. For that we owe so much.

Oh and Gina, I see that Ellie Mae's soul facsimile bowed to your threats and the pictures are now viewable again. I always knew she was both spineless and weak. Go you!

WEEK ELEVEN

CRYSTAL: Although MiG's hair looks like JonBenet Ramsey's mother got her cold blooded hands into it, MiG looks the best he has ever looked this week. I have a rule of men wearing a white button up shirt without an undershirt (mainly because I had a teacher who failed to adhere to this rule and I could see his man nipples right through it, eww) but I'm going to just let that go since I can't see MiG's nipples. Although, I could probably draw them from memory by now. MiG rarely looks so normal. It's almost as if he's just like every other gay guy now. Not a gay guy with a costume on. (And yes, I know he's married, please don't send comments calling me on my bullshit.) Good for you, MiG.

GINA: Really, what are you going to say? He's got cleavage, tight black jeans, and the full on Elf-Dude hair. Just like last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. I like his jacket, and I like the fact that he is a man who can get away with wearing a choker, but I just can't make fun of it anymore. This outfit is so good in comparison, I don't even know where to begin to mock it. Since this is the last week by week, we-have-no-choice-in-this picture of MiG, I'm gonna stop. Right now. I'm so tired and I don't really feel like putting forth “effort”, being “creative”, or “thinking”.

CRYSTAL: For some reason, by the end of the show, the editors decided it was time to make Marty look like a cocky asshole. I don't believe he actually is, but they were obviously trying their damnedest to edit him into someone who seemed too big headed and too controlling to lead the decades old band. This picture…doesn't really make him seem any less cockified. While I do appreciate that his face doesn't look like he was caught sticking his hand down someone's pants, I feel like this pose in no way makes him look like the “nice guy” character he inhabited in the beginning of the show. His jacket and pants look great, by the way, I thought I'd just throw that in there since this was supposed to be about fashion.

GINA: I think Marty is wearing the see-through shirt again, but to his credit, I didn't notice it right away. I agree with you on the Marty asshole edit. I don't think Marty is the kind of guy who would say things like that if he wasn't getting encouragement that indicated he was doing the right thing or what was wanted of him. He seemed to really want the job and I can't imagine that he'd be that frank if he didn't think it would be well received.

CRYSTAL: I too thought that his shirt was see-through, but I can spare you the suffering to tell you it was not. The shirt has lots of tiny white dots on it. I am not a big fan of the shirt but Marty still looks good. Aside from the fact that they used way too dark of an eyepencil shade for his eyebrows (stupid makeup woman) he looked liked he was defending his crown very well tonight.

GINA: Marty didn't really have a whole lot of competition in the fashion department. It is an achievement to be sure, but it is a cheap and easy victory, much like how I had the best mark in my seventh grade English class before it was discovered at mid semester that I had been mistakenly placed in the “kids who need a lot of extra help with English” class period. My teacher switched me out and soon enough, I was back in the middle of the grades pack just like usual. I guess I'm trying to say be proud, but don't let it get out of control. A little perspective never hurt anybody.

CRYSTAL: Well, after making up last week, JD let me help him pick out this outfit for tonight's show. And if I do say so myself, he never looked as tempting he does right here in this picture. He's like a big, steaming, hot plate of JD. Ordering off the menu costs a fortune, but it's worth it in his case. (pun intended) I love this jacket with all of its buttons and as much as I always thought black jeans would never come back in style, this so proves me wrong. I tried to not get him to wear the Guido chains, but there was no talking him out of it, so instead of having another argument, I let him wear it. Just, argh, I could eat him alive anyway.

GINA: Yeah, I'm not caring too much about the necklaces. At least there are only two of them and neither are on the level of obnoxiousness that is EM's MO. This picture is everything I liked/hated about JD. How he's so smug because look at him, of course he knows how hot he is. How he's probably slid by in life on his looks and by spouting, as ShowerSinger from the Snarkgasm boards put it, his little goofily pseudo-intellectualisms. I know that a conversation with him would involve heavy use of the phrases, "You and I both know" (Which, Crystal, I think I stole from you. Good call) and "You can't bullshit a bullshitter". It would have been so much easier had he been a talentless joke. Once he got on stage and started doing his thing, annoying as it should have been, (I think that's where the hot factor comes in for me) it was good. Really good.

CRYSTAL: I would love to see a “conversation” between you and JD, Gina. I think it would have the same uncomfortable air as when you spoke down to that English guy on our vacation in London for asking you to bum a cigarette after he wouldn't let you use his lighter. It would be small, petty and hil-lari-ous.

GINA: Before you, dear readers, start getting the wrong impression of me, I don't think I was talking down to him so much as letting him know that he is a total asshole. There's this little thing I like to call Smoker's Etiquette and it states that if a cigarette is given kindly, with no fuss or ill feelings, then a lighter should be procured for the givee of said cigarette, if needed, and it shall be provided with little to no complaint. Not with “There's a candle you can use over there” accompanied by an eye roll and a dismissive wave of the hands. Also this was the fourth or fifth time he'd been out and out rude to either Crystal or myself over the course of our stay in London. So if you are ever at the Baltic Vodka Bar over on Blackfriar's Road, know that this is where I finally lost my patience with the English Prick whom I will not name here. Also, the drinks there are unbelievable. I had this cocktail with mashed pears and mint that was the best thing I have ever drank. I can't think of the name now, it's Polish, I think, but damn. That was yummy.

Also? Crystal, English Prick, and yours truly were sitting around talking and I said something along the lines of “I think every country in the UK and Europe should have a parade to show how grateful they are to the Americans for everything that we have done for them.” Which was, of course, A TOTAL JOKE, said in the most sarcastic tone known to man and he thought we were serious. God. Asshole. I'm hoping at this point you understand why I said something about the lighter. It was the sum of all the rude and fake treatment from English Prick. And it must be said that he was gracious and apologetic about it once I brought it up. I know he thought I was too stupid to realize that he was being a jerk, but once I called it on him, he improved. To his credit, or whatever.

However, you can't make fun of me without my knowing it, you limey bastard. The English may have invented dry, subtle, and somewhat mean-spirited humor but Midwesterners co-opted that shit a long time ago. We aren't as good at it, but we grasp and fully understand the concept.

v

CRYSTAL: I'll be happy when its time to stop ridiculing Brooke and her undesirable taste in friends (i.e. Ellie Mae). But until then, I will just have to keep on keeping on…Brooke, you look down right matronly tonight with all your stops and whistles covered up. I'll bet when your young daughter saw you in that get up she cried for her real mommy to come back. I don't think this dress does anything for Brooke's figure. The scrunches hide any sort of hourglass shape she may have, the boots are fugly, the little piece of fabric that hangs in the front just looks like the designer forgot to cut it off. Once again, Ellie Mae, you have triumphed. I hope you're proud of yourself.

GINA: Ellie Mae's final “Fuck You” to Brooke Burke is making me think that EM is attempting to jump start a new trend. Wearing gigantic, cumbersome, walking casts as shoes. And then taking chain-mail and wrapping them in anywhichway around the booties. The best part about this dress is that it is by Mizzae, EM's own clothing line. Again, this is perfect in demonstrating all that is wretched and wrong about Ellie Mae. In essentials the frock is pretty, but EM is always there to take it too far. The dangling fabric may be nice for wiping your mouth clean after a long night of drinking or making industry “connections” but it's hurting my eyes and running this dress. Along with the boots, which are horrific. Brooke, the next time you see Ellie Mae, you need to take a page from my book and let that bitch know what an asshole she is.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Dave, I hope you had those pants dry cleaned since the last time you wore them, which was like two shows ago. Although, come to think of it, I am pretty sure that Dave has many, many pairs of ill fitting black, leather pants. And, I know a lot of bikers, I don't think a chest full of tattoos counts as a shirt. I'm done with you, Dave. Done. Finished. Color me bored, I'm gonna take a nap. Good luck with that band of yours, Mr. Navarro, I'm sure it sucks.

GINA: In the aftermath of our show, Rock Star: INXS, I have one burning wish. That Dave Narvarro stay the hell away from Jordis. I don't know what you are playing at, Dave, but you had better leave your taint off of her debut album, or I will be one angry Internet nerd. Or an angrier Internet nerd. Jordis is better than that, and I'm sure that there are people a lot cooler and a lot more talented that would like to hang out with her, so please quit taking up all of her time. She may seem like she wants you around, but deep down she's a nice girl and she doesn't know how to tell you to go away. You have served your purpose, being the Paula Abdul of Rock Star, and now you shall slide back into relative obscurity without taking one of the more talented contestants with you. Give her back, Dave. Give her back while she's still got a fighting chance.

CRYSTAL: Alright. Before I start, it has come to my attention that there are readers of our sarcastic blog are under the assumption that I actually BELIEVE that I am marrying JD Fortune. (Discovered through board postings.) I would like to assure everyone, I am under no such delusion. I am merely a simple fan of irony and humor and thought it would be generous to extend irony to as many people as possible. I apologize to all who got the joke…when you have to explain it, it loses all its funny. Anyway, let us move on to this picture. Gina and I were flabbergasted. We came to the conclusion that there are only two reasons why JD would look like this. One: this is the real JD. All the fear and self loathing from JD being our favorite has a new and sadder meaning. The real JD looks like every tool we went to high school with. I don't know about all of you, but in our high school, all tools wore the same uniform consisting of cheap looking, baggy jeans, t-shirt with “ha-ha” funny shit written on the front, and mandatory hair spiking with highlights. But, there is a possible second explanation…and we are trying really hard to believe this is the correct explanation. Maybe JD was so sick of living in his car and eating stale Triscuits for dinner, he decided to go ahead and join a band that was against everything he believes in. And since he always give 110%, he was forced to wear these clothes and spike his hair, you know, for the fans…you guys, seriously, I had to keep asking Gina if she was sure this was JD…its just so heart crushingly sad.

GINA: It was seriously painful the first time I saw that picture. The only thing I can equate to it is when I found out that my boyfriend played Dungeons and Dragons at the public library until he was a sophomore in high school. That jolt of utter shock, mixed with a feeling of embarrassment and a hint of "Certainly this is not the person I fell in love with?" I mean nothing against D&D nerds, puberty is a confusing time and I realize that pretending to be a level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom and an improved critical strike makes the medicine go down a bit easier. Honestly, though? There is no need to do this at the library, is there? You live in a house, and if you can't have friends over, then there has to be one among you that has a residence that is good for hanging out. It's just that I remember the guys who used to do that kind of thing, in public, and I cannot believe I love one of them. Which is how I feel about this picture of JD. "Your Mom Thinks I'm Hot" is no better than carrying around a big bag of 12 sided dice, wearing a t-shirt with an airbrushed wolf on it, while you publicly and seriously discuss the adventures of JRR Tolkien archetypes. I would put my JD lust in the shameful category to begin with him wearing a statement tee that he got at Gadzook's on sale two for $20 isn't going to help anything. Gadzooks was the Hot Topic of the mid nineties, with less shitty music, since they, thankfully, never took the "listen to this music and be cool" route. But yeah, if you needed one of those charming 69 shirts or a "you're just jealous the voices are talking to me" tee, that'd be your place.

CRYSTAL: I don't know what's more disturbing, your boyfriend playing D&D period or you knowing what “level 12 Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler with a +18 in Wisdom” is. Jesus. I also don't know if I should be embarrassed or impressed with your knowledge. Honestly, no idea.

GINA: My boyfriend told me what to write for that part. Our conversation went something like this

GINA BF: Why are you looking up Dungeons and Dragons jargon on the Internet?

GINA: Uhhh…for that Rock Star thing I'm doing

GINA BF: What are you gonna talk about?

GINA: Uhhh…..nothing?

GINA BF: What do you need to know?

GINA: I dunno, naming character attributes with authority, I guess

GINA BF: Let me read what you've got.

GINA: No.

GINA BF: Why not?

GINA: Just because. Don't.

GINA BF: Let me read it

GINA: Fine, but don't get mad at me, this is the first time I've talked about you on the blog, I swear.

GINA BF: Hmmmm….I don't think that playing D&D is so much different from writing about what people wore on a reality show. I was 16, you're 24.

GINA: I'm funny. D&D isn't funny. On purpose, at least.

GINA BF: Tell em you're a Dark Sun Cyonic Defiler.

GINA: Is that what you were?

GINA BF: Nope. But it's funny.

GINA: Are you mad at me?

GINA BF: No, but do these people know how you dress? You don't have any style.

GINA: I have style.

GINA BF: Sometimes. But you have to admit that a lot of the time you dress like a lesbian.

GINA: Shut. Up.

CRYSTAL: This is where it all began with EM and Suzie. The commencement of the masochistic friendship between these two broads make me nostalgic for the first few posts of Fashion Tragedy….when I still had an cache of quick and witty put downs. Now that it's getting toward to end of it all I don't know what else there is to say. I have to bust my balls to come up with what once came so easily. Ah, life. So we know that Ellie Mae took Suzie under her tragic fashion wing and squeezed her fat head until she dressed in the most laugh inducing costumes this side of Cats, the musical. Ellie Mae has already woven her accessories magic and has placed what looks to be five pieces of flava on Suzie, including two moon size earrings. And, Jesus, she is just getting started. This picture reminds me of the question…. “if you could go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler, while he was still innocent, before he became a mass murdering psycho, to save millions from genocide, would you do it?” Now, would I kill Ellie Mae, at this moment, before she was able to embarrass these innocent rawkers publicly? No. That is a little extreme. But, I may poke out her eyes.

GINA: I'm getting "Stage-Mother" vibes from this one. "Now, Suzie, when you go out there, you make sure to smile. And no mistakes! You know what happens when you drop lyrics, don't you? That's right......one crack of the belt for every syllable missed. You go out there and make me glad I didn't give you up for adoption like Mama told me to, Suzie. You hear me? Little Ron is hungry and while your living it up like some fancy singing star, we can't make rent over at the ExtendedStay. You better win this thing. Mama loves you."

CRYSTAL: Now I lay me, down to sleep, I pray the Lord, my soul to keep…what I mean, Lord, is just take me while I sleep, so I NEVER have to see this vision again. Are all you MiG fans who lust uncontrollably for this hairless mini man just dreaming of waking up to this pretty face? Do you fluff the top of your pillow until it resembles MiG's coif and put a pair of your “skinny jeans” on the bottom of the pillow to complete the look? I imagine you do. If there was ever a single, solitary moment when MiG wanted to appear like a real man, I believe he has just lost the battle. But thanks, MiG, I haven't laughed so hard since Al Rocker fell flat on his face while covering Hurricane Wilma a couple weeks ago when. God I love reality TV.

GINA: This is quite possibly the meanest thing I have ever done. I don't know about the rest of you, but a mere glimpse of this pox on MiG's coolness gives me the giggles. Repeatedly. I'm sure MiG's a little embarrassed that this exists. This looks like the shoot for the cover of Lithuania's newest pop sensation. A pose that blatantly says, "Twelve Year Old Girls, You WILL LOVE ME." Again, he is giving me that kittenish-sexy thing and it is creeping me out. That's what girls do, MiG, so back off and find your own gimmick. Honestly, this wasn't the worst part of the shoot. That was when he mussed his hair and literally PRANCED around for the cameras. I admire how secure you must be in your manhood, because I am having the hardest time imagining that you didn't get your ass kicked every single day after school. Hell, I really want to give you a wedgie after this.

So that's it for this update folks. Next time will be our Fashion Superlatives and special Group Blog, featuring the always hilarious HillMama and our sister-in-snark RocketMelee (Caroline). We will hand out our worsts and bests, feature a few more of our favorite snaps, and try to let Rock Star go. Which totally won't happen. We will find some other way to talk about it everyday. Not since we put my beloved dog to sleep have I had such a hard time saying goodbye. So we'll see you in a week or so, and we'll send this thing off right. Thanks to everyone who took the time to email us, or comment, or read this. We really get off on that sort of thing, so these past couple of months have been great for us. You all rule.

Week Ten-Vive Le Us!!!

2005-10-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Ellie Mae,

I can't help but notice that the photo galleries shut down just as we were nearing the end of our tragic journey into the fashion abyss. I am left to believe that Ellie Mae and Co have discovered us and have conspired with the MSN tech team to destroy us. It was a feeble attempt at best, Ellie Mae, not that I expected anything more from you. You knew my weakness. You somehow found out that if I can't Google a picture there's no way I'm going to find it because I rely on Google like an alcoholic does to their morning vodka. Ha! Ha, I say! Joke is on you, Stylist Devil-Beast. Thank you to Cindy from MartyCasey.org, Debra, Amelia, and Janet for being rad and finding them for us. Obviously we are internet deficient. Crystal was clever enough to save some favorite shots from the website (good and bad) so we are set there. This is not over. Your move, Ellie Mae. We WILL see this through to the end. Which honestly, I am looking a bit forward to, because I am starting to run out of material. Unlike you, I want to walk away from this without shame, without knowing that I'd pushed it too far. Thank you, for teaching me that lesson firsthand. And to those of you who think I stopped being funny a long time ago, or was never funny. Shhhhh! I don't think the some of the others have figured that out yet so kindly keep your goddamn mouth shut. Thanks.

Love,

Gina

WEEK TEN

GINA: I'm about to go to that dark, nerdy, place in the bottom of my heart and admit that I am strongly reminded of someone in one of those barely-distinguished-from-one-another anime shows that I don't really understand. Or, more specifically, like one of those people at the sci-fi convention that dress up as their favorite character in intricate, home-made costumes. I know you are thinking, "No. She is not so low as to find dorks in costume funny." I am that low. I hate myself that much. No such thing as an easy target in my book. You know, in a way, I admire them, because I could not do that without feeling like an idiot, and I appreciate their inhibition. In a controlled environment. If you are out on the street dressed up like a cartoon drawing, you are weird. Officially. It might make you feel good and make you happy, but there is a time and a place and no need to punish everyone because you want to live in Imaginary Land 24/7. Oh yeah, Suzie. Ummm...one glove, one giant necklace, and one pair of Goth kid-mallrat pants amounts to "Rock Star who came to visit Bayside" on an episode of Saved by the Bell.

CRYSTAL: Ha. How perfect would she have been for Saved by the Bell? Not as a rockstar, though. I imagine her being the desperate, annoying cousin to Tiffany-Amber’s Kelly, who came to visit and the gang had to convince her not to rat them out to Kelly’s parents about one of their foolhardy pranks. This costume is alright. I think it is comparably good when looking at some of her other choices. At least she stuck with a plain color palate. Ugh. I’m not all that impressed though. She is “Black Market RockStar.” Suzie is like buying prescription drugs in Mexico to avoid the high costs of American pharmacies. Sure, it’s cheaper, but is it worth the hassle? She’s the poor man’s version of Avril Lavigne (enter another annoying, Canadian pop songstress who overuses the word “rock”) but she’s just not really worth being a fan of because you have to put up with her personality and fashion sense. And your confident look doesn’t fool me, Suzie, I know this whole world is not right for someone who is as sensitive as you are. Alright, it’s the last performance…go have a drink. Go find yourself. Go do something where I don’t have to watch you cry anymore. That would be great.

GINA: Yes, I must agree, in comparison to some of her other choices this looks downright wonderful and I shouldn't take shots at her. I do have to say, however, that she's one of those people who are by all accounts funny, nice, warm, etc, yet there is something about her that is intrinsically annoying. At first she was okay, and then I started to like her a little bit, right around the middle of the season, and then in the end I was praying that she would get a bad case of tonsillitis so I wouldn't have to listen to her speak anymore. I know the chances of any of those rawkers seeing this are nil, but wouldn't that be our just desserts? That they all read this and thought we were the meanest, most awful, unfunniest (because it is never funny when it's about you and your friends), people to ever make fun of things on the internet? Of course, I'm totally willing to deal with that because maybe then one or two of them would look under all of the mean shenanigans and take our advice, or their own advice, fucking anyone but Ellie Mae's advice. I especially hope this for Suzie. (Not for her to see this. I'd feel bad if she read this spiteful thing) I hope that she looks back on the same pictures we did and sort of wince over some the things she wore. Then maybe she would just start being herself, whatever that is, and she'd look so much better.

CRYSTAL: Not a surprise to anyone, but Suzie was never my favorite. Whenever she seemed charming or funny it just upset me more. It was like she wasn’t allowed because I already had my mind made up to hate her. I know its mean, and I’m sorry or whatever, but I hope she only stays popular in Canada. They are responsible for creating it so they should be the ones to suffer.

GINA: Crystal once mentioned that JD made her realize that she can be shallow and I am forced to agree that he has done the same for me. JD is obviously a serial killer, I mean, he's got a tie to choke me with right there, proudly displayed, and still I would get into that van. At least I'd get to touch him. You know, while clawing for my life. I would hope that he would at least grant me that pleasure. Other than the tie he looks intolerably hot here. And ugh, ugh I just...hate myself. There are so many attributes about him that I normally don't like...the cockiness, and when he performs all the histrionics and little sayings that I should hate, the formerly being in from what I can tell from the pictures to be a rap metal band. Yet I am completely entranced when I watch him. I never noticed some of the terribleness of his outfits. The part that bothers me most is that think if he was just some guy I met randomly, his affect on me would be the same. He's that hot all on his own. Without the singing and all that. It's like he was put here to humble me, to teach me that one is never truly above anything. Human Being: Being Human, indeed, Mr. Fortune.

CRYSTAL: Argh. Let me tell you guys the story with the tie. JD and I were sitting around Saturday afternoon enjoying left over chinese and a lovely episode of My Fair Brady, when I told him that we needed to go and find him a tie to go with his suit for the wedding. He started to sass me and said that he really did not have the time (some excuse about practicing or whatever) and that I should pick it out because “we’ll just get what you want anyway.” Then I CALMLY explained that he had yet to do anything to participate in the wedding plans and it would be nice if he pretended like he wanted to get married and come with me. Well, after I pulled out a girl’s secret weapon (crying) he begrudgingly went, but he still complained during the three hours it took me to find the perfect one. I didn’t talk to him the rest of the weekend because of his behavior and so on performance night, still in a snit, he wore that very expensive tie around his FREAKING BELT HOLE JUST TO PISS ME OFF. Just look at his face, he knows he won. Smug bastard. Not that it pisses me off, mind you, I am the freaking epitome of cool. I don’t lose my freaking temper over childish behavior…

I. MEAN. COME. ON. Your belt hole?? You might as well have worn it up your ass! I…Jesus…I’m calling your Mother.

GINA: Aw, snap. Tread carefully JD, I've never seen Crystal in such a state. Who knew she was going to be such a perfectionist, control freak about the wedding? Just the other day she called me and went on for two hours, fretting about having the ceremony in Missouri or Canada. Should she just have two weddings? Well, his family is just going to have to understand, I'm the bride, so it should be where I'm from. It is really pretty in Canada in the summer, though. Match that with hours long conversations about centerpieces and which kind of napkin to use, and I'm wiped. I care about her and I care about the wedding and all, but I want my friend back.

CRYSTAL: Sorry. It will be over very soon. But, I have to wonder, how spent are you going to be when we start talking baby names?

GINA: I think this is when MiG started to get a little desperate. In addition to the bare chest, he has ripped a tiny hole by the left pocket of his pants. Sure it may be a design, but I'm going with a rip. This went one of two ways. Way one involves MiG thinking that a glistening torso is not enough and decided to give the ladies a lookie-loo at his hip. The other, more probable way, is that he accidentally ripped them while struggling to get them on. Those aren't spandex, and pants that tight are never forgiving. I do wonder if MiG decided that the naked look was working for him and played to that strength almost every performance show. Okay, I guess you don't really even need to wonder. He did. And as I've said before that kind of "Anything for a Vote" attitude is going to get you far with me because I find that sort of thing to be really entertaining. Take it off if that's what it takes. Always hilarious, every time.

CRYSTAL: Call me cynical (go ahead, do it, won’t be the first time), but, I also have to wonder why MiG chose this outfit tonight. He’s already worn both pieces in the past with no success (according to us, of course)…maybe he thinks that by wearing this jacket he will somehow harness the spirit he had when he sang Lola? Maybe he’s wearing those pants because he just sprang for a fresh bikini wax and he knows which stretchy pants best enhance his hairlessness? Maybe he is possibly the most clueless man who has ever walked the face of the earth and he actually believes EM when she says he looks fab? While all those theories are possible I’m going with the one Gina maintains: MiG, in all his seemingly adorable naiveté, is actually a cunning, ruthless animal who knows exactly how to whore it out for a competition. This man, who seems so whimsical and cotton candy-ish, is working his plastic torso magic and reeling in the fish with a giant bubblegum flavored net. He is sly, yes. It almost worked too…but somehow, someway…those clever boys in INXS must have caught on.

GINA: So, do you think that Marty always gets there first and picks out all the good shit? Good on him, nothing wrong with that, it shows the kind of dedication and commitment to excellence that I like to see from a television personality. Nothing about his outfit is bothering me, the pants fit great, his hair is reigned in. He's looking a little timid and freaked out, but it's not like I could do any better, so I'll let it slide. In a perfect world, once Marty was done with rocking full time, he would open a fashion school for up and coming rockers. He would instruct them in the ways of proper accesorization, footwear, acceptable color schemes, and developing personal style. If you teach a man to fish, as they say. Then the Ellie Mae's of the world would be eliminated because the new generation of rockers would know how to dress themselves.

CRYSTAL: Marrrrrtin? What’s with the face? Did someone sneak up on you and take your picture? You’re model pose says your ready for the shot but your face says “hey! I charge ten bucks for one of those pics…you just can’t take them for free.” He seriously looks like my Grandpa did when my Grandma took away “his chair” and bought him a new one because the old one was worn and had cigarette burn holes all over it. Then my Grandma had the gall to tell him later that day that he looked like he just lost his best friend. Uh, G-ma, you just got rid of his chair. Marty’s clothes look good as per usual. He really is the most un-disappointing rocker on this show. We can always count on Marty. He’s the Old Faithful of RS. I really want to believe that he always looks appropriate because he tells Ellie Mae to shove it on a fairly regular basis, but the truth is, if you keep it pretty simple, stick with solid colors with a minimum of flair and then add the fact that you are tall and thin…its is almost impossible not to look good. So I give half the credit to Marty, half the credit to his parent’s good genes.

GINA: Marty is definitely fashion MVP.

CRYSTAL: Indeed. Crown that wiry b-otch.

CRYSTAL: Wow, Brooke, you kind of have that whole "I Dream of Jeannie, the Whore" thing going on. If you're not familiar with it, folks, it was a colorful 60s TV show that was very popular with valium-addicted housewives. They preferred to watch it whilst vacuuming so that they didn’t have to listen to Jeannie’s voice. They just liked looking at her rack. Valium does strange things to women. Brooke reached new heights of hilarity tonight, well, for me,…and many an unsuspecting crowd-folk in the audience caught a glimpse of something that one can only see if they were married to Brooke... or have the internet. How could she possibly be comfortable wearing that skirt? It looks like one of Suzie’s belts. If Ellie Mae’s goal is to get Brooke date raped because she “looked like she wanted it,” she may succeed.

GINA: As for Dave, I couldn't find his picture from the show, so I picked this one. Am I the only one who always kind of expected Dave's beard to be supple and soft, like the hair on his head? I've never seen a close of Dave before and it's really shattered some illusions. I like how Dave looks like an Amish Rock Star, with his wide brimmed hat with sassy purple detail. The other people, back at the farm, didn't like his flashy ways, so Dave went out on his own, but, as we can see here, never forgot his roots.

Can't Keep a Good Bitch Down...

2005-10-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks to some super cool people we have all but one photo for our Week 10 Blow Out. We are still looking for JD, and trust me, he can't hide forever! Please be patient with us, we'll have the next post up as soon as humanly possible. Thanks to everyone who are keeping their eyes peeled for pics!! We appreciate all your help. Oh! and thanks to MSN, thanks for bursting our bubble.

Oh, ho, ho, MSN. You Have Screwed with the Wrong Bitches

2005-10-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

So has anyone else noticed that MSN has shut down the photo galleries? I can get to it, but none of the pictures load. if anyone has copies of these pictures saved to their hardrives PLEASE email them to us at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. We are going to wait a few days and see if MSN resolves the issue before we try to start week ten. There are pictures on the CBS site, and we checked them out, but they are not the same. So again, if you have the fashion gallery week ten photos saved, please help a sister out. We are so sad about this. Who do you think you are, MSN? Who do you think you are?

Week Nine-My Face is Starting to Go Numb. Are We Done Yet?

2005-10-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

The Principles of Critiquing

There is a shallow and easy art in critiquing someone’s anything. This blog has been somewhat of an experiment for what Gina and I considered to be minute talent in the area of verbal fashion abuse. Let me share with you a few principles we have learned so that you too can abuse someone for whatever reason you wish. I find it is a lot cheaper than aggression therapy.
(1) Find inspiration. We obviously do so well finding material because of great inspiration, not necessarily talent. And like our inspiration, Ellie Mae, we feed off weakness and we exploit it to the best of our abilities in a public forum. Good Times.
(2) Get personal. While I have to keep reminding myself that the rockers are not the cause of the endless parade of fashion failures week after week and that they are merely canvases where Ellie Mae demonstrates her “art,” it would be a lot less funny if we did not make it personal for the rockers. Comedians call this “nothing sacred.” As in, there is nothing sacred in your comedy, nothing that can not be made fun of. We have to insult their personalities—for your sake.
(3) Following from number two, my personal rule of thumb is go for the jugular. Poke the weakest part ‘till the stuffing falls out. The weakest part is where you either start or where you finish, but it has to be the focal point of your critique. Trust me, this works.
(4) The last principle, but not least important, is if you are doing critiques on a number of people (like A Fashion Tragedy) you need to find a real enemy. True, Ellie Mae is who we are raging against, but we have to have someone more tangible. Pick one person whom most of your venom shoots into. Mine is obviously Suzie and Gina’s was Brandon and Dave but now Dave singly. It’s just way more fun this way.

WEEK NINE

CRYSTAL: I would just like to thank Jordis for not wearing that ridiculous Fival-Does-the Salvation Army hat during her performance. Her jeans are again ridiculous and look like they were shredded with a cheese grater. I like her foldover shirt and jacket because it’s fitted through the middle and allowing for a waist once again. But, I don’t know, it’s not the Parker Lewis “Coolness” I have come to desire from Jordis. I feel that her look is probably survivor’s guilt from Ty getting the ax a show before she did. She was so upset when the closest thing to a big gay brother she ever had was booted, after his over the top performance, that she dressed like a railroad-riding-hobo to mask her shame, or highlight her shame, whichever. And why would she want to cover up her hair, Ellie Mae? That’s her signature, hello? Don’t cover that shit up, Jordis, rock ‘n roll’s gots to be free…

GINA: I’m not quite sure what Ellie Mae is trying to say with Jordis’ 50’s style biker hat, but I wish she’d shut up. I don’t even know why I bother being disappointed anymore. According to EM’s description Jordis’ white foldover shirt is held together with “punk-red” safety pins. I’m guessing “punk-red” is Ellie Mae speak for silver? Cos I’m not seeing any red in this picture. I’m so happy she didn’t wear the hat during her performance, too. I think that Marty finally had a sit down with Jordis this week and told her that she’s awesome and doesn’t need Ellie Mae to tell her what to wear. I liked Jordis a lot, but I am glad that she went home after this. Her face says it all. “Get me the fuck out of here.”

CRYSTAL: Is that what that hat is? A fifties style biker hat? Good lord, I had no idea. Some things from the past should always stay in the past like Prohibition, Chia Pets and this hat. I was happy to see Jordis go this week as well. She no longer looked like she was having fun and her voice was failing her. I can’t wait until her album comes out though...I just hope that the cover of her debut album doesn’t have Ellie Mae inspired horror, I won’t be able to bring myself to buy it…

CRYSTAL: I am reminded of some time in the mid-90s when a rumor was floating around celebrity gossip rings that Cher had one of her ribs removed in order to give the appearance of a smaller waist. I’m sure that is not true (although, if it were, I’m not knocking it, that’s just “thinking outside the box” at its best) but I have come to the conclusion that MiG must have had his penis surgically removed in order to sausage squeeze into the pants he has come to be known for. It is just ungodly for a grown man to wear pants that even a thirteen year old teenybopper might give second thought to (I wonder how much longer stretch denim will be in?) And where is this man’s body hair? Like, any of it? Sigh. I miss manly men, I tell ya. Anyway. That necklace shows Ellie Mae’s insolence for any middle-aged female WASP who thought about wearing it to her next social function to match her turquoise Chanel suit. Way to go Ellie Mae, upset all the republicans.

GINA: I like how MiG’s jean-corset is splattered with bleach spots as if to suggest he just came in from a long, hard, day of manual labor. MiG might be all muscle-y, but you and I both know that he’s soft as a baby bunny. No calluses on those hands. I am getting a serious Pamela Anderson vibe from him. She and MiG both love displaying their tits and ass in form fitting, ball hugging, skintight, trash ‘n roll getups that make everyone in the room uncomfortable just by looking at them. Put away your tits, MiG. You look like a goddamn whore.

CRYSTAL: I love Marty’s dark purple jacket. I just love dark purple…it’s so very cool. I also like his jeans. But that shirt? Uh, no. Bad idea, Marty. It looks like he had to do his own laundry for the first time ever and he shrunk his darks by using hot water. Poor Marty, being on your own for the first time is hard. When he was doing his performance this night and did his whole stringbean lean-back his whole shirt went almost all the way up to his nipples. Yeah, I like you Marty, but I don’t want to see your nipples anymore than I want to see Dave’s. Sorry.

GINA: Mushroom head is a serious disease that afflicts most of us, although, with proper care and preventative measures, you don’t have to be its victim. I don’t know if Marty fell asleep with his hair wet or what, but he is sporting a level five Mushroom head that should have been taken care of before the photo session. I don’t care how tired you were this morning, Mr. Casey. I have come to expect certain things from you and I don’t like being let down. Also troubling me is the expression on his face; which is making me think of a spooky, half-there, timid, man-child who has the mental age of seven. I want the confident and handsome Marty of last week back. This is a photographic reminder of every time Marty creeped me out on the show. This is why I couldn’t get super into him.

CRYSTAL: Suzie looks rock-diculous (now, Gina, that’s the worse pun ever). The hair is just strange in its old-fashioned yet strangely space aged bun. Those stringy things that are hanging from the slit in her skirt makes me think that Ellie Mae, in a last minute great idea, took the normal sized split with her powerful man hands and ripped it all the way up to Suzie’s cooch. I wonder if Ellie Mae paid a lot for that skirt before she up and ruined it. Well, I mean, made it worse. I hope she can still get Mark Burnett’s money back when she wants to return it for crack money. Of course, if I know Ellie Mae, I’m sure she paid with nature’s credit card. I have decided that Suzie is the fashion equivalent of a goiter. It doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, if they have a giant, fleshy goiter, that’s all we see. Same with Suzie, it doesn’t matter how much singing talent she may possess, all we can see are these vile clothes. You are what you wear, Suzie. The sooner you learn that, the better we’ll all be. Her Bonnie Raitt song rang so true tonight. She can’t make me love her. And I won’t. Ever.

GINA: I wish that I could say that her ripped-to-the-vagina skirt was the worst thing going on in this particular ensemble, but I think that top honors are going to have to go to the fingerless opera gloves topped with gauntlet on one side matched with black wife beater. Ellie Mae likes to think that she’s some sort of artist and I’m sure she’d give us a bullshit lecture about how the elegance of the gloves matched with the ruggedness of the skirt creates a sort of texture orgy that is awesome. No. It’s not awesome. She looks like an escapee from a mental institution. She’s crazy and she thinks she’s Tina Turner. She’s singing Proud Mary and wielding a knife and…hold me, Crystal….I’m scared.

CRYSTAL: I just can’t wait until she is gone. It takes everything in me to understand how the Earth can stand to not open up and swallow her whole. Oh, and I mean Suzie, but Ellie Mae could join her in the bowels of the world. Stop scaring my friend, Suzie! I could totally take you.

GINA: Dude, and seriously? How sad is it that you are the only girl and you can’t make it to the final three? My guess is that INXS said, “Alright, mates. If she cries more than four times this week, she’s outta heah”.

CRYSTAL: This was JDs most beautiful week to date. I remember when I was watching this show and I could not even tell you what Pretty Vegas sounded like because he had, as Gina succinctly put it, “turned the hotness up to eleven,” goddamn I was just sitting on my bed, open mouthed and drooling, like, literally drooling. I only do that when I’m in complete concentration. Or sleeping sitting up. Gross. Moving on. JD is like manna from heaven hot tonight. Just cyborg hot. That might not be the best word to use but I was trying to think of something that implied inhuman hottness. It’s like he wasn’t made on this planet. He was just sent here to torture and confuse those of us who would not normally go for someone JD-like. I pray that eventually they’ll have some sort of support group for we obsessors. Yeah, letting this go will be the kind of withdraw I've only seen in movies like Trainspotting or When a Man Loves a Woman... and it’s only the beginning. I better start stocking up on tomato soup. Just kidding, you guys, that’s ridiculous. I would never watch When a Man Loves a Woman.

GINA: As Crystal mentioned earlier, I am fresh back from the tackiest place on Earth, Branson, Missouri, and I must say that JD is looking a bit like a local in this picture. I loved him tonight, I loved Pretty Vegas, and I was so happy that he fulfilled the potential I thought he had and just kicked all kinds of ass tonight, and on the show I thought he looked just…..uber-hot, but this picture is less than flattering. I think it’s the bottoms unbuttoned denim-on-denim that is causing me problems. Like I said earlier he is giving me the impression of a backwoods, illiterate, Ozark shack-dweller that would get real handsy with you if you gave him the chance. Huh. For once the idea of getting man handled by an inbred ruffian with three teeth is rather welcoming. Funny, that.

CRYSTAL: I think he looks good in this picture. Although he is wearing jean and jean (i jihad you, EM) I still think he looks like he’s calling to me. Don’t call him a backwoods Missourian, Gina, you’ll ruin this whole thing for me.

GINA: He looks good in the picture. I agree. It’s his outfit that is causing him to look like a hillbilly. Or a performer in the Baldknobber’s Country Jamboree (I wish I was making that up, folks. Google it. Actually exists.)

CRYSTAL: I see Brooke has slipped into something a little more comfortable for the 2 million viewers that have had to witness her weekly dishonor to skinny girls everywhere for the duration of this fine show. I can’t…I just…I mean…What is she doing? As if the material, the color, the sheen aren’t bad enough, the shape looks like EM threw a whore’s doily over Brooke’s body and cut out the top for her head. Egad. I believe that Blanche wore this for a nightgown once on an especially tawdry episode of the Golden Girls. Well, hope Brooke reached her goal of comfort, because she looks like an ass.

GINA: Ellie Mae, there is something I would like to share with you. Just because this dress, sheet, poncho, whatever you want to call it is silk and accented with lace doesn’t mean it’s elegant. This looks like she’s guest starring on Melrose Place as the sexy and mysterious newcomer who works nights, which explains why she runs around in a dressing robe all day. I am getting a big “Amanda Woodward” vibe from this. Heather Locklear totally wore this during one of those scenes where she’s trying to steal Billy from Alison so she’s strutting around the apartment in a tiny robe and we are all discomfited by watching Billy try to contain his lust because the guy who played Billy was a rather shitty actor and creeped me out something fierce. Man, I remember a lot about that show. That’s fucking ridiculous.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I never got into that show. I watched my hour of 90210 and then I was done. But, I could see regular ‘ol Heather Locklear wearing this. Ritchie would LOVE it!

GINA: How is someone so awesome married to someone so toolish? I guess Heather likes to feel confident that she is the smart, funny, good looking, likeable, awesome one in the relationship while Ritchie is the one who spends too much time doing his hair. And the new Bon Jovi song? Sucks Dave Navarro balls. I thought the “It’s My Life” song was putrid, but the new one is even fucking worse.

CRYSTAL: Oh Jesus. Do I have to admit that Dave doesn’t look all that terrible this week? I don’t know if I can stomach it. He is breaking my jacket/no shirt rule. So I have that going for me. You know what? If I had somehow lowered myself to the level of finding my high school prom date on the internet, with all my bad karma from being a total bitch, Dave is what would show up on my doorstep. He wouldn’t even have a corsage because he would have been searching too hard for the perfect accessory to compliment his leather pants (hello, white scarf!) Yep, this is what could have been. Thank God for standards saving me yet again.

GINA: Thank you, Dave Narvarro, thank you. Thank you for wearing a jacket that mercifully covers up your ball-crease. You know, he does look pretty nice, mostly because the white scarf is covering up his exposed chest. This is pretty worthless to me. Aha, here we go. Since Dave’s photo wasn’t supplying enough ammunition, I hopped on over to 6767.com, his blog. Dave kindly takes the time to answer some questions and I would like to share with you my personal favorite

6. If you could change one thing that has happened in your life what would it be?
I have been asked this a lot and the truth is that I wouldn't really change anything. It's all part of where I am now. Well, maybe I wish I hadn't started smoking, but that's about it.

See, Dave, I would have answered this completely differently. My answer would have been, “Well, I would have told Flea and Anthony Kedis that maybe this whole Chili Peppers thing wasn’t going to work out before I ruined the ENTIRE album. I wouldn’t have told that leprechaun that I would give anything to be a rock guitarist, because before that I was 6’3 and didn’t talk about things like moisturizer and which pomade gives the best sheen.” I also noticed that it seems he closes each of his Camp Freddy shows with the Stooges classic, “I Wanna Be Your Dog”. Thanks Dave, for ruining a great song and my life, once again. One day I will have revenge, Short Stuff. One day.

So I know I said that you’d be getting extras this week, but I’m lazy. So I’m thinking now that after week eleven we will give you the extras. I just got back from vacation and I dare you to not come back from Branson feeling spent and like you may have overloaded your “smart-ass” chip due to the COMPLETE over-stimulation of being in the most patriotic, Jesus-loving, place on earth.

Week Eight-The Baby Ain't Feedin' Itself

2005-10-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

GINA: This week is again staggering in its gaudy, pointless, trying too hard-hood. Excepting Marty and surprisingly, thankfully, Ty. You would think after being subjected to this experiment in fashion torture all summer, and now spending parts of my week staring at her abominable creations, that my hate would lessen. Alas, it burns ever brighter within me. My resolve strengthens with every brown and black, every gauntlet, every time she uses more than two necklaces. I did think of something Ellie Mae is good for. If I ever have a daughter, and she decides that she really wants to be a stylist but has an awful fashion sense, I won't discourage her from pursuing her dream. I will tell her the story of Ellie Mae, and that it doesn't matter if you are any good at putting together an outfit. As long as you can convince people that what you are doing is "cool" then you can be a successful stylist. And I won't even be lying to my theoretical daughter. Because it happened and it will happen again. And we will be there, mocking it.

WEEK EIGHT

GINA: I guess EM stumbled upon the notion that red and black look pretty good together and are hard to fuck up. I say this because she has Marty, Ty, and Dave in the combo. I love (and by love I mean am absolutely infuriated by) how she has to kill a good thing EVERY TIME. It's like she can't stop herself from pushing it over the line. Either she's creating nauseating rock-frocks using every accessory known to man, or she's making three people look very good by wearing essentially the same thing. She's the kind of person that hits on 20, thinking that they're going to get lucky, and always she busts. Look at Marty. Fantastic. Nothing to complain about. Then his victory (and more frustratingly, Ty's) is tragically reduced, to borrow a phrase, by having two of the others in this same basic look.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, If I had a thing for you I would want you to wear outfits like this all the time. You look really hot. I'm not a fan of the hair, as per usual, but he looks tall and confident and not at all like the squirmy, spastic performer he was at the beginning of this show. His act has finally caught up to his fashion sensibility by this week. I was very happy with him after this show. Nothing wrong, nothing bad, good job MC! Way to ignore Ellie Mae. I'm always happy to see that.

GINA: Thanks, Crystal. For you have given me a better understanding of what might have caused Ellie Mae to three-peat. I'm thinking that Marty had this all picked out and was ready to go when EM came over and she was like, "Oh, Marrrrrrrteeeee I found these orange patent leather moon boots that are gonna look super-cute with that suit." And Marty politely backed out of it, but EM was still pissed, because....hello? Who's the one being paid to dress you?(dude, did anyone else's eye start to twitch furiously after reading that?) And that, in her mind, makes her a better dresser than Marty. So she's all angry and is like, you know what? I'm going to ruin his night, and proceeded to use her best friends, Ty and Dave, to implement her revenge. You only hurt yourself when you hurt your friends, EM.

CRYSTAL: I always like to believe that Marty is the commander of the polite ignore. Like when he doesn't want to listen to what you're saying he'll just kinda daze off into the sky with his big hammerhead shark eyes and no one is any the wiser 'case he's kinda a weird guy anyway. Marty rules. I'll bet he's good times.

GINA: I like his suit, I like his pose, and I don't have the heart to say anything negative. I'm very sorry that EM ruined your best night. If I ever meet her, I'll insult her just for you. Nice job. You're even working your mohawk.

CRYSTAL: You know why this whole look works so well for him? It's not the fact that he is simple and pretty, it's not that he's wearing red and black, it is not the fact that I can literally only see one piece of jewelry. While all of that does help, they are not the reason he looks so properly appealing this week. The reason is that his eyes are covered up. No one can see that smarmy, man-rag, snarky, better than thou look in his eyes. He looks good. This was his last performance, right? Good job, Ty. It's too bad you saved it all till the week you get booted.

GINA: I was going to give a sarcastic goodbye, but I decided to let it go and let Ty have his moment. Besides, I'm sure that he'll show up again in the extras that we are starting next update. We only have three weeks left, so we should probably get on those. We'll be doing the boys in our band, INXS, along with some of our favorite moments, fashion and otherwise, from the show, hell, we'll even take requests. Email us if there is any ensemble that you would especially like to see destroyed. rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com

CRYSTAL: I am of the personal opinion that Ty doesn't need any more “Ty moments,” his ego is big enough. Frankly, I was happy to see him go after this week. He went out with a Big Bang! In some circles, that's what he's better known for.

GINA: I'm going with the obvious here, which is that he looks like a six foot turd. This is very disconcerting, considering his _expression is very appealing to me. I like the more confident, less smarmy vibe I am getting. However, I don't like being reminded of poop and sex at the same time, and it makes me concerned that she is trying to push some sort of deviant agenda. JD's ring-celet is much like the hand-wire throw-y deal Jet Li used in Lethal Weapon 4. It's fun to imagine that everyone huddled outside Suzie's dressing room door, laughing their asses off, as JD keeps using it to knock over stuff on her dressing table. Then Suzie starts crying because she thinks the room is haunted, and everyone feels bad, so they stop. They leave, sharing a vague sense of resentment towards her for being such a crybaby all the time.

CRYSTAL: Has everyone seen the picture on the cover of OK! Magazine of Ashton Kutcher's and Demi Moore's sham wedding? Did you notice what that giant tool, Ashton, is wearing? That's right, a fedora. JD, that should be your “case in point” of why it is not cool to wear a fedora. Forget about all those feelings of “well, maybe he doesn't look good with one, but I do, because I'm much prettier.” While you are indeed prettier, you still can't pull off a fedora. I don't know, Gina, I kinda like him in brown. I don't really mind what he's wearing below the chin. BUT, having said that, I do remember that this was not the whole outfit. He was also wearing a giant brown jacket and hideous black sunglasses. That's Ellie Mae for you, never just stopping when the outfit has reached acceptable. She always has to step over the line and make some ugly.

GINA: It's not the color that bugs so much as the collared sleeveless button up. I know they are popular, and I realize that this is more of a personal thing, but I hate those. I don't like having your neck covered up with no sleeves. It's so classless. I know I'm probably the only person that thinks that, but, y'know, you like what you like, you hate what you hate.

CRYSTAL: Understood, I feel the same about wearing too many pinstripes. I think it looks cheap but I have never heard anyone agree. It's just that chocolaty brown is so JDs color. He looks great in it. (For other example see JD, INXS interviews.)

GINA: Wow, after all this time of bitching about seeing Mig's balls, I must say that seeing him without them is, maybe, the most unsettling thing I've ever seen in all of my life. I don't know if it is the lighting, or the fit of the pant, but it appears as though MiG's torso is facing a different direction than his legs. Meaning, his crotch looks like his ass. Again, I am forced to believe that she is using subliminal messages to promote a life of scatological sex play. I don't care what you do in the bedroom, Ellie Mae, but children watch this show and I won't have you turning them into confused teenagers with enema fetishes.

CRYSTAL: Do you think there is a fetish for enemas? That's awesome. These pants are the best. And by the “best” I mean that they provide a hilarious array of mocking and laughing. Gina and I had a good time talking about them. I like that they cross like the line in an “A” and provide a perfect home for all crotch accoutrements. I believe everything is just pretty much hanging out in there free to dance around as MiG moves. The A-shape provides, as Gina put it, “a perfect greenhouse effect” atmosphere for the bait and tackle. I personally, think the best part is what looks to be bells on the crotch of the pants. It's like he's carrying his very own tambourine. Tambourine pants: a perfect gift for the young rocker who has everything. Those must have been the most uncomfortable pants that he has worn thus far. I think he has to keep his legs so far apart so everything doesn't rub together. Thigh chafe can only slow a rocker down, it's the first rule of rocking.

GINA: Yes, there is such a thing as an enema fetish. When I was working at the porno store,(Hi, Mom! Remember in the summer of '02 and I told you that I was working at a dry cleaners? Uh.....about that. I was actually working at the used book store/porn emporium over on First Capitol. Sorry.) they had the enema videos right next to the "girl taking a dump" and "girl peeing on someone/thing" videos. Dudes (and I will arbitrarily say ladies as well, although I never saw one female rent a video from that particular section) will masturbate to anything. I got a job there because I thought I'd get a lot of funny stories, and oh Lord, how I was right. I'd get into it, but really? This isn't about porn, so I'll move on. I hate to imagine how shriveled and prune-y MiG's testicles were after spending hours in that pant-induced sauna. He probably had to air them out all night to get their shape back. There's only so much talcum powder can do.

CRYSTAL: Gina, I can't believe that you never told your mom you worked at that perv store. You should be ashamed of yourself. And now that I know there really are such things as enema fetishes…I somehow don't find it as awesome.

GINA: I just heard this little popping noise and I can only imagine it was Crystal bursting a blood vessel when she sees that all black on rockers can indeed be ruined. I don't know about you all, but I am interested in hearing what she has to say on this one. Jordis should never wear a turtleneck ever again. Turtlenecks are for tall people with long necks. I feel you, I can't wear them either, because I wind up looking just like you do. When the top of the sweater is hitting the bottom of your chin and resting comfortably, you shouldn't wear a turtleneck. Other than that, she looks old, dowdy, matronly, sexless, and is robbed of her aura of awesomeness. I can only imagine that EM was jealous of all the attention she was getting and got her revenge by making her look like a gothic girl at Homecoming.

CRYSTAL: This blog entry is now coming straight from the Student Health Center because yes, blood vessels have exploded. I keep telling this nurse bitch that I'm fine and I can go, but she keeps saying something about “stroke” or “stroking out,” I don't know I'm not really listening…I've got work to do. I feel like I've stumbled into an alternate universe where up is down, left is right, and EM somehow managed to fuck up wearing black. Like, not just fucked it up a little, fucked it up big time. I don't like to be proved wrong, and the fact that she has managed to prove me wrong about a staple color is just infuriating. Everything on Jordis is wrong. Why do I think all she needs is a monocle in her left eye to complete this look? Has anyone ever read East of Eden? Well, in the second half of the book it talks about how the evil woman character takes over this good 'ol boy's brothel and turns it into an S&M joint. While reading the book I imagined that the evil bitch was wearing something quite like this. Except with more boob. What is with Ellie Mae and brothels? On top of having no taste she's also a perv. For the love of God, people, stop hiring this woman!

GINA: I noticed that EM wrote a poem for Jordis in her description. I will reprint it here

She rocks the Prada boots

And the mahogany crocks

With her eclectic texture

and twisted dread locks

Now I shall share with you a poem I wrote for EM

Fist connects with her face and I hear a crunch,

That's what she gets for being a cunt.

Lock her in the basement, throw out the key,

'Twas there never a stylist as bad as she.

CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that is impressive poetic skill. You're like an idiot savant or something.

GINA: I feel like the saucy look on Suzie's face is saying, "Yes, please use this scarf to choke the last breath from me for wearing this hideous jacket." This bell-sleeved waste of bovine has a place, and that is in Prince's closet. Prince is allowed to wear this because he dresses like an oversexed retired truck-stop stripper and yet manages to be cool. He's a lot, as Crystal said, like Cher in that way. Her hair, though? Is really good and she looks great in the face. Again, the fashion equivalent of having a nice personality. I stole that either from Crystal or Go Fug Yourself, which I didn't know about before (I ripped this idea off from Fashion SWAT at somethingawful.com) but am now in love with. Thanks to whoever told me about that. I wanted to give GFY props. Those are funny bitches. And the guys who do Fashion SWAT. They are funny bitches as well.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Jesus. I'm gonna tell you, the main reason I don't like her outfit is because it just reminds me of the performance she did this night. That average, generic performance she insulted Queen with, and the fact that for the first time it occurred to me that INXS probably really are a little deaf and more likely senile. She looks like an asshole. That ridiculous jacket, ginormous orange ring and chickenwire belt? WHAT is that all about? She honestly believes that just because she can put on a costume like this that she can pull it off. She can't. I feel like she's just trying to give a big Fuck You to any boyfriend who ever dumped her and told her she wouldn't amount to anything. Which, more than likely, is all of them. She's just gushing “Look at me! Look at me! I'm on TV! You were so mean to me and now I rule the world! People in TV-land LOVE my crybaby fits and find them endearing! So there!” I pray that Hank Azaria has a stockpile arsenal of Kleenexes on hand, he's gonna need 'em.

GINA: Suzie is forever wearing belts that make her look wider than she is. She seriously has no clue. Here's a RSINXSFT stock tip. Kimberly-Clark is going to see big jumps this quarter. Isn't that so weird? That she's dating or whatevering Hank Azaria? It's so random. I must say that if you were going to lie about dating a celebrity, not that I think Suzie is lying,(and I do have to admit that the Suzie in my head is lying about it. But she doesn't seem to be much like the real Suzie) but Hank Azaria is a pretty good one. He's believable, and people respect him because he's funny and on The Simpsons. He's a nice mid-grade celebrity. You know, I'm still not over the fact she's wearing bell sleeves. Gross.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, they deserve each other.

GINA: Okay, I've decided that we are going to do the one with just Brooke and forgo Dave for this week because his picture is from the chest up and I can't make fun of his testicles then I want nothing to do with him. He does look nice, I will give him that. So onto the important thing here which are Brooke's stupefying hooker boots. Which, oddly enough, are workable, although it would take someone more talented than I. If I ever had need for a stylist, which would be....never, cos, like, who the fuck am I? But let's pretend. I would give them these boots in the interview and say "Make me not look stupid in them." and a good one, a really good one could do it. I don't think they are entirely ugly. Actually, I take that back, I'm short and stumpy, I'm gonna look bad in those no matter what. But a tall bitch could work them. Nice shoestring you got tied around her arm there, EM. Punky Brewster did that, too. For real.

CRYSTAL: No, no, no, no, no…these undesirable boots will not work on anyone. It's like Brooke is a conduit between EM's abdominal taste and tangible actuality. First of all, the boots are white. White boots say one thing, and that one thing is, “twenty for head, fifty for everything.” Secondly, they make Brooke's legs look fat. Something I would have once found impossible. She looks like the lowest form of street walking scum. Not that there is a high form of street walkers, but where she once looked like a high priced call girl, she has to now hit the streets to pay for her baby's formula. I imagine there is a sad, pathetic “man” out there (one who is about thirty-five, lives in his mother's basement, he's unemployed, a virgin and reads comic books and Barely Legal, etc…) who has a beloved blow up doll that he has named and pretends it is his girlfriend--- and she is wearing what Brooke is wearing. I know what you're thinking, like why would he bother dressing the blow up doll? Because a girl can't hang around in a basement naked all day long, we're girls, we get cold.

GINA: When I saw them on the show, I absolutely agreed with you that the boots are goddamn terrible, but in the picture, I dunno. I personally wouldn't wear them, but I think they are definitely do-able. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.

CRYSTAL: I wish the picture was at a different angle. This overhead does not do it justice. Those boots were just fugly as could be and she looked ridiculous. There is no reason to dress like that when you have a job and a home. And, I don't know, midriffs when you're a mother? I just…I don't know…I have a problem with that.

Week Seven-Certainly it Can't Get Worse Than This?

2005-10-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

CRYSTAL: Hello All! As much as I am happy that you have returned to listen to us snark and jeer, I have to warn you and say that this is probably the worst week of fashion in the existence of all time and space. This week is truly heinous and I feel like a huge disclaimer is in order. If you proceed and view the gruesome pictures below, you may experience nausea, headache, fatigue, heart palpitations, sweats, rashes and under certain circumstances…death. Save for a few exceptions, it’s bad this week, you guys. Really, really bad. But, otherwise, ENJOY!

WEEK SEVEN

CRYSTAL: MiG, oh god, could someone please help him? Ellie Mae has outdone herself this week…first of all, let me just start by saying that if a real biker saw MiG mocking them in that black leather nightmare and faux “bad ass” visage, his ass would be pummeled to the point that dental identification would be the only thing that the police would have to go by. This outfit has so many focal points that I think my eyes crossed and rolled back in my head simultaneously several times. This has to be the worst costume, by far…the skulls? The astronaut boots? The gigantic leather jacket with shit-kicker insignia? Why? MiG, you’re not punk. You’re barely R&R. Why are you trying so hard to be something other than a softhearted, sensitive man-boy? Listen, fellas, you can’t just wear this outfit on a whim…especially when you are as docile and harmless as little Miguel Ayesa. And while it takes years to grow into a jacket like that, those pants are never acceptable. Never. MiG, this look is not you; EM is just experimenting on her “mannequins” so that she knows what to wear when she finally has the money saved up for that transsexual operation.

GINA: I’m pretty much a complete pussy and don’t enjoy things like being punched or having my hair pulled. I know what my physical limitations are and adjust my attitude accordingly. I don’t want some big girl kicking my ass eight ways to Sunday. And let me say right now that I’m finding that big, mean, 5’11, 200 pound, (most of it legitimately muscle) girl from high school to be a hell of a lot scarier than MiG. I agree with you, Crystal. MiG needs to never try and be tough again. You know, MiG is pleasant in his own innocuous, sexually non-threatening, prancing way. He’s very likeable. But when you put him in a costume that even Rob Halford circa ’85 had the sense to pass on, you make him look like a big, leather fairy. Not in the gay sense, but rather in the literal sense. He's the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy who is responsible for planting the melodies of modern classics such as, “Right Here Waiting for You” and “High Enough” in the minds of Richard Marx and Big Mountain. Wow, after typing that, I feel compelled to set MiG on fire, or to physically harm him somehow. He’s not really the 80's Cheese Rock Fairy, Gina. Deep breath. It’s not his fault. This isn’t about MiG.

CRYSTAL: I too have a hard time remembering that the garbage that MiG displays week after week is Ellie Mae’s fault. This is definitely a case of trying really, really hard not to shoot the messenger with a very large gun.

GINA: I wonder what MiG wears when he's not being forced into increasingly humilating costumes. If someone has free time MiG pictures please email them to me at rsinxsfashiontragedy@yahoo.com. I'm not good at finding pictures. I would really like to see how badly she fucked him over.

CRYSTAL: This is also the worst outfit I have seen on JD thus far (including that see through shirt), it’s giving me a severe case of the Fashion Bends. I’ll take this opportunity to remind our readers that this is the week he sang that “lame doesn’t even begin to explain it” song, Cold As Ice. Not to condone EM on any level, but, this outfit goes PERFECTLY with that song. I would even go so far as to bet this exact combination was probably worn by the lead singer in the video for the original. The whole open shirt is so much worse than a little man-midriff. I hope you’re happy, Gina, this is what you get for complaining about a little stomach. The shirt collar over the jacket collar screams of John Travolta circa 1980. Uck. Even the jacket itself is horrible; it’s an ugly color and the cut is too disco. Yeah, now that I bring that up, this whole outfit is too disco. No one has ever hurt me as bad as EM. That country hag probably convinced him to wear this atrocity with the whole “oh it’s so simple and vintage, it will really emphasize your amazing body…hmmmmm…what are you doing later tonight? What? No, I know I’m married, but I thought we could get together to…umm…discuss your clothes for next week…oh, come one, aren’t you just melting at the sound of my accent and my southern belle charm??” If I ever see that lady, I swear to everything holy…I curse the day she was spawned, I really do.

GINA: Not the biggest Foreigner fan, but I do like “Cold As Ice”, and I liked JD’s version of it. Throwing that out there so everyone knows. Good song. So….I almost hate to say it, because it’s not like I don’t enjoy looking at every inch of his naked skin, but he needs a shirt in a bad way. It’s just silly to wear a jacket AND a button up with full on bare chest. His awkward smirk is not helping him to up the level of sexy, and he needs to do that in order to distract from his disastrous choice of attire. For the third week in a row he is screaming, “ANNOYING, ARROGANT BAND GUY THAT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO STAND TALKING TO FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” And it’s making me sad. I want to walk out of this experience liking JD as much as I always did, but goddamn. EM is making it soooooo hard. And as far as the midriff is concerned, I don't mind a little belly with a t-shirt, provided that when the wearer is standing in a normal position the patch is covered. Just not with a collared shirt. That's seriously retarded on a dude.

CRYSTAL: Okay, I’m speechless. I don’t know how I’ll ever take Gina’s word on good music ever again. She is usually my music encyclopedia and reference guide! Gina, I can’t BELIEVE you like that song…I’m going to have to rethink our whole friendship. I feel as though I’ve been duped.

GINA: Everyone's entitled to their fair share of shitty music. I like tons of stuff that I know is bad and annoying but can't help but like. Tori Amos, Destiny's Child, The Ying Yang Twins, select songs from 70's Aerosmith. That Cher "Believe" song, ABBA. No one's perfect.

CRYSTAL: Marty has a great taste in pants. I don’t think anyone can compete. Forget winning RS:INXS, Marty; just be happy to be the Pants King! This particular pair fit seriously well and his belt is perfectly complimentary. And he’s always wearing black, I (heart) that as well. I can’t really tell from this picture, but it looks as though his shirt is see-through. I am really hoping its not. Marty’s a cool guy, he seems to really enjoy what he’s doing and he has his own style that I’m glad did not get cramped from INXS critiques, but no man can pull off the see-through shirt (for proof, see JD, week 4). It’s just ungodly. And then add being abnormally thin and white as snow, yeah, gross. I could check to the video to see if it really is see through, but I don’t want the disappointment that it could bring. I think I will move along and attack his hair now. Marty’s hair is always touch and go with me. It is so thin (this man has nothing thick about him) and dyed Marilyn blonde which I do not believe is doing him any favors. The cut looks like he’s David Spade’s taller, and ever so more awkward, brother. I don’t likey. Especially this week with it bent and flexing in all the wrong directions (must have been humid that day in LA). He needs a haircut. I understand that it must hard to find a style that works with his harsh and sometimes slightly creepy face, but there has to be softer styles that will suit it. I just know there has to be.

GINA: Okay these pants by all means should be vomitous but Marty barely pulls it off. I can't give him full points because the first thing I thought was, "Oh, Beetlejuice. That's a good movie. I fucking love Alec Baldwin. He's the best asshole in the whole world. God, you just know he's a prick in real life. He's awesome." literally. I really enjoy Mr. Baldwin that much. Anyway, I'm sure that wasn't what he was going for and admit it, you thought it, too. Well, not the parts about Alec Baldwin, but the Beetlejuice part. However, and this is what I love about Marty, is that he actually uses his accessories in his favor. Except for that paisley tie. I just pretend it doesn't exist. I don't think I would have liked this as much without the armband. I know that's a small thing but it's the perfect touch. All Marty, I'm sure. I reserve the right to take this all back if he is wearing a see-through shirt. I didn't forgive JD for it, (although he absolutely wore it worse) and I won't forgive Marty. Also, Crystal, if you look long enough Marty becomes any fair skinned, super thin, blonde man you can imagine. And even some non-blondes. He is a gifted in the art of shapeshifting.

CRYSTAL: I love how you worked your fondness of Alec Baldwin into this blog. You truly do have a gift. I don’t know, I really like these pants. It must be the stripes; they remind me of a circus in the best way possible.

GINA: I work in the Baldwin whenever I can. Mostly because I just watched The Last Shot in which he gave a classic performance. The smarm and eyebrows were used to maximum effect. He was at his best. I would like to clarify now that the last thing I want is sex from this man. He is awesome in his asshole-ness. If I ever met Alec Baldwin, the real Alec Baldwin, the one yells uncontrollably and has outbursts of vicious rage, he would blow away any expectations I ever had of him. He's so slimy it's admirable. Okay. Enough with the AB.

CRYSTAL: How old is Ty? 35? 36? Shouldn’t someone have told him by now that he just can not go around wearing the same things he wore when he decided to come out in highschool? Jesus, he is doing the jean/jean combo again, I’m sure no one needs a second public service announcement about that look. The jeans also look a little ass-id wash. I’m sure they’re not, but they look it. I have to wonder why he stopped at the jacket and jeans? It’s so unlike him. I mean, granted, there are a lot of things he could have done to make this whole outfit much worse. He could have worn a white t-shirt with “My People Can Sing R&R, Appreciate It!” wrote in sharpie on the front. He could be wearing buttons on his jacket screaming “Hood Rat-Hood Rat-Hoochie Mama,” or how about, “Me and Aretha, We Got Soul” or a personal favorite, “I’m here, I’m a Rockstar, Get Over It!” (Actually, I shouldn’t be giving him all these suggestions.) Well, all I’m saying is that it could be way worse but I still hate it. Ty, when is it you’re leaving again? You and Ellie Mae have pissed me off one too many times. I may have to go see a doctor to check on these heart palpitations. They’re getting worse.

GINA: You know, at this point, you have to just feel sorry for him. Sorry that he lives in a bubble that is a void of restraint and taste, in a bubble that allows him to frost the tips of his mohawk white and feel unashamed. He has better in him, I know there has been at least once when he wasn't begging for me to rip into him. This is so horrible that I feel bad making fun of it. What can you say? It's not like he'd listen. Take a good look at the face. He feels great. And I suppose I shouldn't be a bitch and rag on his personal style, but you can't be good at everything, Ty. This is your weakness and you need to recognize it and move on. I feel where he is coming from, that desperate, adolescent, place where you feel like your clothes have to represent how unique you are, I've been there. See, the difference is that I was 17 and you're over 30. I would like to think that as we age, we recognize that one or two personal touches accomplish the same thing as piling it all on at once. And it looks a lot better.

CRYSTAL: That’s probably why I’ve grown to dislike Ty so much. He forces me to feel sorry for an attention whore and I don’t like that. I don’t feel sorry for attention whores, it’s not in my nature. Don’t force me to do stuff I don’t like, Ty. It makes me mean, like a cornered animal.

GINA: I found all these pictures of Brandon on his website and I vote that we just replace Ty's pictures with one of Brandon's. Brandon didn't make me feel bad and was always good for a laugh. We let Ty have his black suit with red shirt moment, of course. We must praise him in order to show him he did a good job.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, if I never see a stranger’s bellybutton again, it will be way too soon. Deanna is just above and beyond any critique I can make about her. I mean, I’ll make critiques anyway, but they just won’t compare to what she actually looks like, my talent has limits after all. It’s like she’s banging on the doorway to fashion hell. Now I am positive that she must be an alcoholic. What sober person would wear this? She looks like a slutty mother borrowing her twelve year old daughter’s clothes. Me thinks her Rastafarian hubby should spring for a generator in the RV they live in so she can pick out her clothes for the show and not look like she literally crawled out of the tunnel they’re parked in. Ugh. I hate that Deanna has no shame. I also hate that she can wear a skirt that short at her age and I haven’t been able to wear that size since I was seven. So maybe it’s a little jealousy and the fact that I hate that she doesn’t dress her great figure in more appropriate clothing. Probably more jealousy now that I’m thinking about it…she doesn’t deserve her figure, she treats it so maliciously.

GINA: Aaaaaand dancing on stage three, let's give a big welcome to Double. D. Deeeeeeaaaaana! Then Bob Seger's "Night Moves" kicks in and out she walks wearing this misstep of the century. Based on her outfit, I'd wager she's dancing at Roxy's. (In East St. Louis, the strip club capitol of the Midwest.) Meaning she looks more "titty bar" than "Gentleman's Club". Those girls will do anything for a dollar. I know what you're saying, Crystal. It'd be one thing if she was some old, haggard-looking, boozehound, but she looks great and it's a waste. She doesn't need the ridiculous hair and the fringed trench-sweater. Especially that sweater. It’s ugly, its old, its no longer fashionable. If there is another season of this show and EM is rehired, this blog won't be enough. I will be forced to do something more diabolical. I hate her almost as much as I hate Constantine.

CRYSTAL: Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more…I remember being at work last year talking about, what else, American Idol. There were several women in the office who were in love with Constantine (they were old and horny, say it with me guys, “ewwww”…) anyway, there was a point when I just couldn’t take it anymore and I screamed in the middle of the office “GOD! I can’t believe how much you people like that douche bag! I just wanna…KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!” This entire scenario could easily extend to Ellie Mae. I want to kick her in the balls. I don’t care that she’s a woman. I’ll find balls, and I’ll kick them.

GINA: I notice we make this blog about us a lot of the time. Being self centered rules. Anyway. I still stay his getting kicked off American Idol was the greatest moment in television history. I actually had butterflies in my stomach because I wanted him to go home so bad. Watching Paula's face melt was just a bonus. I wish that Van Halen or whoever does this next fires Ellie Mae during the first episode. On camera. That is the only thing that could knock Contstantine off the top of the list.

CRYSTAL: I’m not in love with Jordis’ jeans but I do love that I can actually see her waist this week. She almost looks normal now, like she has two working legs and arms. Jordis is one of the few singers in this competition who can wear something like this and get away with it. She’s the only real Rockstar girl in this comp. That’s from the coolness within. I wouldn’t know about that personally, but I’ve read about it in magazines and such. I love her jacket, I would wear that jacket. This outfit makes me realize that I really could so be friends with Jordis. I wonder what she’s up to now? Maybe I could give her a call and we could get together for some beers and make fun of Suzie. Good Times.

GINA: You know, I've also had the "Jordis and I would be friends" feeling on and off over the season. I really like her and like this. You're right, Crystal, and I've said it before, Jordis has an innate coolness that allows her to wear things that others would look completely stupid in. She shouldn't be able to work ripped, worn jeans with a tailored pinstripe jacket. I'm of the school that the on the hip belt buckle look is pretty lame, but she's tearing it up. She's kinda like Gwen Stefani in the sense that for whatever reason the ridiculous shit they wear works for them and that it will never work on you. Most of the time on Gwen Stefani. More than she ever, ever, should.

CRYSTAL: There are parts to Suzie’s outfit this week that I don’t hate. I like her jacket and, well, no, I guess that’s it. While she is not as visually offensive this week, I personally find it completely insulting that EM, the fashion dullard, would compare her to Chrissy Hynde. I think Chrissy would lose her freaking mind if she knew EM was taking her name in vain. She would call Suzie a bona fide embarrassment to real women rockers everywhere, citing, among other things, the fact that she cries at least once everygoddamnday. Then, in all her rockstar glory, Chrissy would challenge Suzie to a New Wave street fight. I picture the fight in my head weekly. It ends the same every time, Suzie is on her knees crying and praying to the heavens that if He saved her from this beat down that she would stop saying “rock”, never compare herself to Ms. Hynde again, and get right with God. Jeez, that’s a good daydream. I think I’ll get back to that, excuse me.

GINA: EM only does this because she thinks that brown and black is really edgy and that she's breaking down fashion barriers and breaking all the rules by making it work. See, the reason brown and black don't go together is because they clash and look like shit against each other. Like you don't know how to dress yourself. She's keeps on adding touches of brown to what would otherwise be serviceable ensemble just to be different. That always sets my teeth on edge. Nonsensical originality.

CRYSTAL: That should have been the name of her clothing line!! “Nonsensical Originality” by Ellie Mae.

GINA: Everything about her is so pointless, it's exhausting.

CRYSTAL: I think Ellie Mae must have had a talking down to from Mark Burnett about making Brooke look like a cheap trollop on prime time television, there could be kids watching, for Christ’s sake. I can’t imagine what else could explain why she doesn’t look like she’s been gang-banged by bad fashion as per usual. She looks really nice this week. The dress is plain and pretty and the accessories are minimal. God, I even love her shoes. What is going on? Are Brooke and Ellie Mae friends now? I’d like to think Brooke grew a sac and told Ellie Mae that she was in charge from here on out. Good week for Brooke! I’m so happy for her.

GINA: Oh wow, so Brooke really is beautiful. All the horrible clothes were beginning to make her look homely. I'm not a fan of the Roman sandal, but I am jealous of her ability to not look all cankle-y wearing them. The only thing I can say is that she should have gone to Deanna's doctor for the implants, because hers are looking a little fake, but that's just me being a caddy bitch. She looks wonderful.

CRYSTAL: Girl Jeans Alert! Ladies and Gentleman, this is a Code Five, girls jeans alert, please turn your body to twelve o’clock and on my “go” extend your pointing finger and ridicule…GO! I wonder if they don’t make jeans in Dave’s size? Is that why he’s always going over to the teen girls section in the store and rampaging through their stuff?
(You know the area, remember ladies, the one we all shopped in before we got our mother’s birthing hips? Maybe that’s just me.) Secondly, he must have called up Ellie Mae this week and checked to see what JD was wearing so they could be all girlfriendy and match. I would love to know what real rockers think of Dave Navarro…do they mercilessly rag on him the way I hope? A girl can dream.

GINA: The cool ones do. I bet Maynard James Keenan would. I wonder if all the other real rockers call Dave Little Bitch? That'd rule. I wish he'd quit shifting one leg forward while wearing said girl jeans so that his balls were not, once again, outlined for me. Let me tell you something about the Junior's section. There is no way the shirts they sell over there are sized correctly. I'll start with a medium which I can barely get over my head, and then a large, which is clinging to me like a second, unflattering skin, and then, because I have no shame whatsoever, I go for the extra large and it too is clinging grossly in bad places. Once I even sucked it up and went for the double X in this cowboy sytle button up and wanted to cry as it was slightly too small as well. The juniors section is a self esteem killer. I guess that the stuff over there is supposed to be skintight? XXL? I'm actually sort of proud of myself for not sobbing afterward.

CRYSTAL: I would say its time to start shopping in the age appropriate section, Gina. It does wonders for the self esteem. Also, there’s no chance in running into Dave over there. Oh and also, I agree that Maynard would definitely call Dave Little Bitch but do you think its possible he would refer to him as a “Tool?”

GINA: I can't decide if that was a great pun or the worst pun ever. I'm truly undecided. Occasionally, I will be tempted by a cute top at Famous (mall dept store) from the soul crushing juniors section and even though I know better, it is very fitted, and inevitably the large is too small and I feel awful. But every fiftieth time or so you find one that fits nicely with no bulges and it makes all the self hate worth it.

Week Six-Fedoras Aren't Your Friend

2005-10-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

GINA: Welcome to Week six, the halfway point of our tragic journey. How dearly I wish that we could all gather ‘round and discuss how impressed we were with Ellie Mae as the weeks progressed. That maybe she started out rough, but had soon reigned in her weaknesses for 8 inches of bracelets and pants that leave nothing of a man's crotch to the imagination. Alas, this week is no better than those of the past. And Crystal, can I WORD you on the Gina is lazy stuff. I just noticed that everytime I have to start one of these, it takes at least a day or two longer. And I don't even really have to move. Just type. And smoke. I am lazy. Eh, what are you gonna do?

WEEK SIX

GINA: Wow. Jessica looks chubby. I mean, I know she's not. I've done nothing for the past five weeks but look at her toned, flat stomach. I could identify it in a lineup. Is this why she dresses like a tramp all the time? I can see her point now. Keep in mind that chubby for Jessica is normal for any other person. I hate dark brown and black together, maybe worse than I hate anything fashion-wise. Also, I like how, seemingly for shits and giggles, they have thrown in a huge yellow dragon. I think EM is messing with us. Like she knew this blog was going to happen and she thought, :"Fuck those bitches. I'm going to give them something to complain about."

GINA: Jessica’s outfit poses the mathematical question of: How do you make an eighty pound girl look like a fatty? Ellie Mae, in her infinite wisdom, knows the equation. She says take one stretchy-materialed knee length dress, add one god awful cummerbund that holds up your boobs so there is no need for a bra and multiply that answer by two trashy knee high boots and you get your answer. I was also going to make a comment about dark brown and black together, Gina. Now, I know the rules of fashion change all the time but I still am of the school that believes brown and black together is tacky and a major fashion faux pas. So I guess that’s why EM decided to put them together, because she has made her living being one giant walking fashion faux pas. Tackiness just erupts from her naturally, like me and vomit when I see her “work.” This whole outfit makes Jessica look like a colorblind first year college student who just got contacts for the first time and is celebrating by going to her first bar night. Some friends of hers did her hair and makeup because she’s such a tomboy and didn’t know how to do all that “girly stuff.” They just threw all that shit together and said wear it…and she did. The future Ellie Maes of the fashion world, ladies and gentleman, enjoy!

GINA: She looks like she's at the Vacation Bible School mixer and she just knows that she looks cool, but in reality she's not really that cool because it's hard to love Jesus and be cool at the same time. Loving Jesus comes after the years of booze, blow, and cheap sex. She has this air of ultra-prissy awkwardness that a lot of churchy teenage girls have. I never liked those girls. God, you make one corpse-fucking joke and they wanna get all huffy about it.

CRYSTAL: I know exactly what you’re talking about. My sister was one of those girls. I always hated it when one of her friends were in my classes in highschool because they gave me those dirty Christian looks whenever I talked shit about her.

GINA: Crystal, she cannot keep on doing this without facing serious consequences. He looks like such a douchebag. Like the sort of person I would dislike at first sight. And while we're here, I think we all need to observe and learn something from JD. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, how sexy, how whatever...you cannot pull off a fedora. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than not looking like a complete tool while wearing a fedora. I'm not saying never. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but I'm sure some of you could find someone (not someone from the past. I am talking within the last 15 years who is not from a movie set in a period when fedoras were actually cool) who is the epitome of awesome in one. I can't pull off a fedora. Neither can Crystal. And truthfully? There's a 95% chance that you nor any of your friends and acquaintances can, either. Just say no.

CRYSTAL: Gina and I have discussed the fedora a lot. I am of the opinion that, to Gina, the fedora is the tangible symbol that forces her to face the reality that JD really is a douchebag. She doesn’t like to remember that because he was her favorite and it embarrasses her…and that’s the main reason she never watched the reality show. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the fedora in any way whatsoever…I know creative guys always try so hard to find something that makes them uber hip by using props that they have seen in movies like The Godfather or Goodfellas. I personally blame all stereotypical Italian gangster movies for the fedora and the desperate attempt for white guys to look more powerful. But it doesn’t work. Like Gina said, it just makes you look like a total tool. And unfortunately for JD, he is a tool, so he wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Wedding’s still on and everything, I’ve learned to look past the persona. I’ll change him. Once I get my hands on him there will be no more fedoras. Promise.

GINA: You're right. The fedora is the living symbol of the fact that deep down, JD is probably a bit of a douche. I pride myself on one thing, and that is that I will never be attracted to a douchebag. He reminds me of this guy that used to come into my work at the pizza place and hang out with one of the drivers and play his stupid fucking guitar and talk about his poetry and hit on all the girls. Like you'd go out for a smoke, and he'd start strumming that goddamn acoustic guitar and singing the worst kind of sappy punk poppy "I miss my girlfriend" bullshit and he'd steal little sideways glances at you to see if you were paying him attention. I'd just stare ahead, dead silent and eventually he'd give up and start talking about his band and I have never wanted to kick someone in the balls more. The worst was when he did sucker some poor chick into a conversation and I had to listen to him spew lie after lie.Your eyes are beautiful, I'm going to write a poem about them. My band? Yeah, we're playing with Thursday when they come through town. I.....feel....things more.....than most...people. And honestly? JD is probably more that guy than whatever I wish JD was. But hey, what's the point in living in a real reality when you can live a better one in your head?

CRYSTAL: I try not to fall in love with douchbags either. It just happened. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants.

GINA: I have heard back and forth about whether or not Deanna has implants. From this dress, I would vote no. If she does have them, I want the name of her doctor because he is fucking good. That being said, when your breasts are gigantic you should be wearing a bra. I'm straight, so I'm not sure if giant pendulums of thunderous breastflesh bouncing haphazardly, twisting and flipping in every direction is sexy, but all I can think about is how much all that jumping around hurts a braless chest. If she was PMSing I guarantee she was in a horrific amount of pain. The bra thing is more for her than for me. Okay, more for me, but it's not completely selfish.

CRYSTAL: I think she must have been in pain anyway…she doesn’t necessarily have to be PMSing. Let me tell you something about going braless, in case you are in unawares, when you first take off your bra because the shirt looks weird with it, your boobs look pretty good for the most part. They’re buoyant and perky, just like you want. But as the night wears on those bitches get tired and they can’t take the strain anymore. They ultimately let you down and they sag harder than a telephone wire covered in crows. Boobs are assholes like that. Since this is the second entry I’ve dedicated to Deanna’s boobs I’m starting to feel like a pervert. So let me start in on her dress. First of all, the top part is see through. A forty year old woman should never wear a see through top unless that woman happens to be Cher who can do whatever she damn well pleases because she’s awesome like that. The colors are also not very R&R. She looks like she’s attending her first ever Golden Globe awards or something. Not right for this show. But, then, who wears anything right for this show?

GINA: Aw, aw, aw, Jesus Christ. I remember this. God, how I remember this. If I recall correctly, and if I didn't I don't care because this association is seared into my brain, he was wearing a little feather doo-dad on the back of his tail. If they reformed the Village People today, and modernized them, Ty would TOTALLY be the Indian. This isn't a picture from Rock Star, this is from the Village People's press kit. You know, I might be on to something there. If anyone here knows Ty, feel free to tell him my idea. He would be good at it, and I bet he would like it.

CRYSTAL: I also remember his hair from the show and I believe my comment was “He looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. He could so be Tina Turner’s bitch.” I had no idea there was even such a thing as Scottish plaid pants. That phrase should be stricken from every known vocabulary in the world today. This is unbelievably embarrassing for Ty. No one should have to perform in their pajama bottoms, no matter how late it was they got to costume because you lost track of time whilst saying goodbye to your overnight “friend.” Ellie Mae hates it when people don’t respect her schedule, you will pay for your tardiness, Ty demonstrates that.

GINA: Oh yeah right. Ellie Mae loved this. I bet EM and Ty were big girlfriends. She'd set aside special pieces just for him and they'd stay up all night planning his hair and makeup. They'd do the both cheeks kiss kiss thing which is very annoying and trying too hard to be European, like they just got back from vacation and think that they are actually French. And you want to remind them that here in America, we're doing just fine with the handshake. I mean, when in Rome, greet as the Romans do, but when in America and from America, don't invade my personal space.

CRYSTAL: You’re probably right. It’s me who is embarrassed for him. He has no shame. He is the equivalent of a male stripper in this competition. I can’t even look at him without covering my face with my hands first to hide most of my view. He gives me that queasy feeling that only the fear of some guy’s wang gyrating in my face can bring.

GINA: At first I was like, "What the hell kind of barrette is that?" then I realized it was her black streak. I remember back in '95 when James Iha did this and it was cool. For the mathematically challenged, that was ten years ago. I remember being in the eighth grade and really wanting to do this and being pissed off because my mom wouldn't let me. Maybe that is Suzie's problem. Maybe she wanted to dye her hair four different colors when she was fourteen and her mom wouldn't let her. That day she made a promise to herself. When she turned eighteen (or whatever age is legally an adult in Canada. I'm too lazy to look it up. Typical American.) she would do whatever she wanted to do with her hair. And she hasn't let go of the anger yet. She gets a touchup and you can hear her muttering underneath her breath, "Fuck you, Mom. I'm gonna dye my hair however I want. This looks totally awesome."

CRYSTAL: Umm, Gwen Stefani called, and uh, yeah, she said you’re a bitch and ruining her hairstyle. She’d like it back now, ‘cause you’ve like abused it and shit. I wonder what she keeps in that giant, red leather fanny pack? If I know Suzie, and I’d like to think I do, it’s probably her new prescription for Paxil, some tampons and her journal. Her journal entry today starts out with: Dear Diary, I had such a fun time singing that Sam-what’s-his-name song. I think I’m the best singer here and if I could be the only woman left at the end of this I promise to God, I’ll just keep mentioning it over and over and over until people want to put their heads through their TV screen….” And there’re about a hundred more entries just like that.

GINA: I don't think I've got anything that is going to be able to compete with that. Moving along......

GINA: Not the twee legs again. I can't take it. I suppose it is because he is trying for sensitive and vulnerable, but it is so innocent/sexual which is totally creepy to me coming from a grown man. Like he'd take you home and want you to rock him to sleep and would get off on pretending that you are breastfeeding him. I like how Ellie Mae has gone ahead and put him in the jacket, tie, and vest without the shirt. Truthfully, though, I bet that was MiG's call. He knows what kind of power he holds in that chest. A power that I am 199% immune to, but a power nonetheless. I loved how on each show he would rip off his shirt. I always enjoy that in men, that willingness to whore yourself a bit. It amuses me.

CRYSTAL: Okay, MiG, you may want to sit down, I’ve got a couple of compliments. First your hair doesn’t look it usual elf rockery. I almost go as far as to say I like it…and those pants, you must feel like you’re absolutely swimming in those. See MiG, isn’t it nice to be able to sit down without fear of crushing your (probably) permanently scrunched nuts? You can seriously forget about having kids naturally. There are problems with the attire, namely the tie and placement, but instead of proceeding I’m going to quit here. It’s so rare that I can say anything nice about MiG, as a matter of fact I don’t think I have at all aside from this…I’m going to enjoy the moment. Sorry to disappoint.

GINA: Crystal, seriously? Are you telling me that if we went to a show and MiG was performing and we didn't know who he was that we wouldn't DIE laughing at him? At least at first? Just based on outfit alone? Keep in mind that we are the same two girls that went that sketch comedy thing and sat in the very back openly making fun of everything from the people in attendance to the performers. Remember when I said we should be quieter and you said, "No. I hope they hear us and write a sketch about it" and we decided that if they had any kind of sense at all they would cast two ugly, fat men as you and I? You have a ridicule reflex, Crystal, and I can't believe you are denying yourself like this.

CRYSTAL: God, I wonder when it happened I became so mean? It’s like slowly drinking while sitting down. You don’t realize how drunk you are until you stand up…I never realize how good I am at making fun of people until what I say it repeated back to me. God, how hilarious would that sketch be though?? Fat men playing us? I say those are Tony award performances right there. It would certainly be exponentially funnier than the shit they were already doing…you can only go up from that.

In all honesty I would make fun of MiG if I had no prior knowledge of him. But, I’m honoring my commitment to him and letting it go...just this once.

GINA: I love her hair. I love that she is working that big old nest of hair. She looks like a queen. She looks fantastic, except for one drawback. THE HUGE BROWN FLARES THAT ARE POOLING ON THE FLOOR AND THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Are you kidding me? I'm at a loss. I don't understand why EM did not put her in black pants. Oh wait....that's right! EM is a fashion retard who shouldn't be allowed to dress her children, much less people on my television. This perfectly demonstrates Ellie Mae's fundamental problem. It's not 100% wrong, it has its points, but she ruins it with little details that she thinks are "elegant" or "rock and roll" and it fucks everything up. The one person that is sure to look like a fool is the person that is trying too hard. We've all seen them and we've felt sorry for them. Well, if you're me, you probably make a crack or two unless they are truly pathetic. And this show was a 12 week parade of trying too hard, fashion-wise. You've done a piss poor job, Ellie Mae, and I think you owe each and every rocker an apology. Except Daphna, because I've seen what she wears in her free time and it's worse than any of the crap you put her in. Congratulations. I guess you did do something right.

CRYSTAL: I agree with the hair. I agree with the shirt. I agree with hating the pants. All together, I would have to say nay to this outfit. It’s the pants. It sways the whole vote. There’s so little else to say. The thing with Jordis is that she has got talent coming out the ass but no ego to defend her against creatures like EM. When you can sing like Jordis, when you have a presence like Jordis, you have to have a voice inside of you saying “I am way better than most people, I need to look like I’m better than most people.” While I love humility and subtlety, I think that deep inside, unbeknownst to anyone else, a “star” must resign themselves to that feeling. They need to look better than everyone because they are on TV and we’re not. We, the viewers, have to be jealous, otherwise, what’s the point?

GINA: I love how he is showcasing his crotch and looks like he's asking you a question. I like to imagine he's bumming a cigarette. I would totally give him one because...that's pretty funny. I think Marty must really love that tie, and I hate to break it to him, but he and I both know that no matter how hard you wish paisley looks bad with stripes. I'm sure that there is a very good reason as to why you wear it, but I know you are better than that. I believe in you. Don't let me down. Please retire it. Or wear it with solid black, or something. No patterns or t-shirts. Compared to the others, you are a shining star and that's why I'm so hard on you. Because I care and because you are the best. Don't make me regret saying that, Marty. I beg you.

CRYSTAL: Ah, Marty, you so look like Halloween Jack this week. I don’t know if this is really what I want to see you in. I image a full velvet pinstripe suit gets pretty hot on stage…doesn’t anyone else worry about sweating? Am I the only human being that sweats? Jeez. Marty really does wear this well, even though the suit is kinda weird looking. It’s too much pinstripe. My forth major rule is do not wear two pinstripe items together. Way too much stripe. If he would have just stuck to one or the other, the pants or the jackets, it would have worked, even with that “vintage” tie. God, why does EM call everything “vintage?” She just throws that word around haphazardly. It just makes her seem more stupid, if that’s possible, like she doesn’t know what it means. I like to think that Marty wears the tie because EM doesn’t like it. She keeps calling it vintage so she doesn’t slip and call it (Insert your own annoying southern accent.) “that ratty ol’ thang that looks like the one my granddaddy wore in his coffin.”

GINA: Brooke and Ellie Mae must have had a confrontation of sorts this week. Maybe EM was in a good mood and was able to let go of her white-hot hatred for Brooke. She looks beautiful. Everything fits well, she is properly accessorized, and her hair and makeup are wonderful. She must have shown up to the taping really late, (maybe on purpose?) and she had no time to change or do her hair and makeup. That's it. I find it hard to believe that EM had anything to do with this.

CRYSTAL: Pinstripes and pinstripes again, I am probably alone in this but I think it looks cheap, that’s the main reason I don’t like it. I also don’t believe that brown is Brooke’s color. Holy mother of God, did you read the description? It says that piece of jewelry around her neck and waist is (A) one piece and (B) that each stone was blessed and allows communication to flow with clarity. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. God, rich people will buy ANYTHING! Sheep to the flock-all idiots. You stick a religious “meaning” on any material object and the dupes will follow. And yeah, I’m talking mostly about you, Kabbalists. People in general are total morons, companies know this and feed on our rash impulsiveness and desire to follow the next cool thing. The only way to combat moron-ness is to take a step back and think…”is it possible I am being LIED to on any aspect of this??” Keep that in mind, people, I’m only trying to help.

GINA: Even though I am definitely not from a rich family, I have had the opportunity to be around my fair share of rich kids. It's surprising how many scenesters come from serious money. I have a feeling that's why most of them suck. Actually, it's not all that surprising, because rich kids are the only ones that can afford to sit in their house and paint or play music or do anything creative all day while having no job or responsibilities to get in the way. Anyway, the few genuinely spiritual rich kids I knew were really into Astrology or they were Scientologists. Oh, and by "knew" I mean, "I knew you from going to shows and because my boyfriend at the time was in a band that you fuckers liked for some godforesaken reason but we don't say, hang out" So it's not like I was rolling deep with the rich kids. But anyway. Here's the thing about new age spirtuality and rich people. Christianity is not exotic enough for these rich, white folks. You can't buy eight dollar bottled waters blessed by Jesus himself. You can't buy jewelry guaranteed to open the channels of communication with the hand of Christ. Anyone can pray. But only the elite can hire a former waitress from Santa Fe, New Mexico as her personal full time psychic. When I would talk (or more accurately, when one of them would bother speaking to me) about religion, it was always more about making fun of Christians and typical middle class America than it was about their personal spirituality. It always turned into some holier-than-thou self congratulatory smugfest. Fucking Scientologists. Sure, I make fun of the same things all the time, but those are my people. I'm allowed.

CRYSTAL: Wow, Gina, that was quite the soapbox. I was more just shitting all over their beliefs. You were more shitting all over their entire reason to live. Of course, yours was way funnier.

GINA: Breaking format to promise to never go into another political/religious tirade. It's been a long time since I've thought about all of that stuff and it was written before I knew it. Obviously, I'm still bitter. Apologies, everyone.

GINA: Dave looks like an elementary school kid dressed up as Dave Navarro for Halloween. He has to wear sneakers with his skintight leather pants because he doesn't want to get blisters so he can get shitloads of candy. I've had enough of Dave's balls. He is displaying stupendous amounts of camel toe here and....gross. You know, if someone said either you give Dave Navarro a blowjob or we shoot you in the head, I'd take the bullet. I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards if did it. And people would say, "Why did she choose death?" and Crystal would hold up this picture and they would nod with understanding. I realize that for whatever reason, I may be in the minority on this. But yeah. Rather die.

CRYSTAL: See it is pants like this that has forced Dave to walk so funny. He’s got that “I’ve gotta strut and use my hips so no one notices I can’t bend my knees” walk. He has enough odd things about him without the weirdo gait. I like EM’s description, “If anyone can fly, he can!” Is that really a compliment? Isn’t she just calling him a tight-pantsed fairy? Is that just my interpretation? I guess, if any man can fly, it is probably Dave. He probably only weighs 100, 110 pounds…put some giant, mechanized wings on that oversized red shirt and he could definitely get some air between his feet and the ground. Or better yet, Dave! Try jumping off a really tall building…see how that works out for you. I’ll give him one thing…I do notice that he’s not wearing a lot of extraneous metallic jewelry…this is a Casual Navarro look. Yeah. Keep trying, Dave.

GINA: His big puffy shirt mixed with horrifically tight pants is giving me a "fat woman in spandex" vibe. Certainly this couldn't be the best picture they got from this little photo session? Dave preens shamelessly, and if I know anything, it is that he knows what sort of poses are flattering. I'm positive he spends a good part of his day practicing them. Yet week after week he looks like someone making fun of Dave Navarro. Is it subconscious self-loathing?

CRYSTAL: I think it must be fat woman in spandex syndrome! Dave probably feels really guilty about eating that whole bag of movie style popcorn last night (It’s not diet food, you know!) instead of his veggie smoothie and now he feels all fat and bloated and decided to cover up with an old girlfriend’s shirt. She was a professional wrestler…hence the shirt size. He still has to wear the pants like that, because lets face it, men don’t have “fat pants.” He took some water retention pills at lunch. He’ll be back to his normal self tomorrow.

Week Five-Goodbye, Brandon. Thanks for the Laughs.

2005-10-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

CRYSTAL: Week Five and stayin’ alive. Okay, yes, I’m embarrassed by what I just said. Rhyming is rarely funny. I apologize. I just can’t believe we’ve made it so far! For two people who regularly half ass things, I think we’ve cashed in on our fair share of tenacity. Hopefully we can keep up the momentum. Moreover, I feel a tremendous amount of burden lifting from my shoulders every week. It’s like the best charity work job ever… I have always been told that if I gave of myself then I would get the best rewards. I knew I could find a higher calling and help others who are less fortunate if I really put my nose to the grindstone. And, of course, I feel like we’ve really helped people the last few weeks…well…us. We’ve helped ourselves. Frankly, that’s good enough for me.

WEEK FIVE

CRYSTAL: Alright, I figured out what you’re doing Brandon. I get it already. You’re a douche bag from MICHIGAN pretending to be a SOUTHERN rocker. Since there was no ideological brand of music from the particular part of Michigan that you’re from you have decided to steal another geographical area’s music. You’re pretending that you were personally trained at Lynard Skynard Academy and were best friends with classmates like the Robinson brothers and Chris Thomas King. You have fabricated an entire second (superior) life in your mind and now we all have to suffer for it. Your fake life includes the time you scored a big record contract and toured the world singing your own brand of I’m-a-white-man-from-Michigan-who-feels-like-my-spirit’s-in-the-South, man-blues. I hear you, brother, I’m just tuning you out. Like the rest of the world. I am going to surprise everyone by saying I do not hate what Brandon is wearing. I have seen this look many times before and have liked it, even the strategically placed bandana…what I’m upset about is that Brandon is ripping off poor, old Willie Nelson. Haven’t you stolen enough, Brandon? Do you have to take the one thing Willie still has after the IRS repo man took him for everything? You are a sad, sloping browed man, Brandon. One thing though, even Willie has enough brain cells left not to wear that hat…but I’m leaving the hat for Gina.

Oh side note: the night I wrote this I was flipping through my best friend, the TV, and saw that they were playing Encino Man on TBS. So perfect.

GINA: I hate this computer so much. I swear to fucking Christ that I saved this thing. And now I have to go back and do it all over again. AGAIN. This computer is a worthless piece of shit. This has seriously happened like, three times. I guess I shouldn’t be doing this at work, but come fucking on. Anyway…here’s what I remember.

Really? Do you need me to say anything? Sometimes you can ruin a joke by overdoing it. Brandon is doing a fine job of mocking himself. It seems almost cruel to rag on him for it. Luckily, I don’t really have a heart, so mock him I shall. He looks like a scarecrow. A big, southern fried, bandana tied, jean vest wearing, idiot. And Crystal, you are never allowed to make fun of me for anything ever again after admitting that you “don’t hate” his attire. The topper for me is the hat. Brandon, take a look at yourself. You’re wearing bell bottoms with fabric panels sewn in, a jean vest, cowboy boots, two necklaces, a button-up undershirt, one gigantor ring, a gauntlet, and you have a goddamn bandana tied around your knee. Is the hat necessary? Does it tie the outfit together? No. The hat makes you look like a new character on Sesame Street. You’re a sad, unemployed, vagrant rocker who leads sing-alongs of children’s classics, such as, “Don’t Kick the Homeless Man” and “You’d End Up This Way, Too, If You Saw What I Saw in ‘Nam”.

CRYSTAL: ALLS I was trying to say was that on the right person, I don’t judge this outfit…like Willie or Chris Robinson. They can wear that outfit, sans hat, and it would be alright, because it fits. I’ll bet you anything that if Bo Bice wore this on Idol last year, you would have thought it was acceptable. Admit it. Also, I knew that comment was going to piss you off…that’s a big reason why I made it.

GINA: No way. No fucking way. I would have made fun of Bo hardcore for this. I like the Black Crowes okay as long as it's not Hard to Handle. If anyone is gonna pull this kind of crap off, it's Chris Robinson, but in NO WAY is it acceptable. Never. Ever.

CRYSTAL: Holy Lord, she’s got some big ‘ol cans! I mean, look at those boobs! You’d think Deanna would knock herself out nightly whilst trolliping all over the stage, doing the worst drunken Janis Joplin impression I’ve ever seen. It’s like when she covers them all up they look even bigger. I’m feeling quite inadequate right now. I imagine this is how guys feel once they watch porn with their girlfriends for the first time. Like “oh god, I think I’ve made a mistake suggesting this” type of feeling. I don’t have a boyfriend (surprise!), but if I did, I don’t think I’d want him to be ogling over some forty year old leftover flowerchild with giant jugs. I’d have to keep him away from RS:INXS until she got voted off. Anyway, I digress. I don’t know how I feel about this costume. On one hand, I remember when I saw her on TV wearing this and I thought, “finally! She looks halfway decent. I mean, sure she keeps holding herself like she has a problem down there, but at least her gross hair is pulled back from her face.” But, on the other hand, the picture makes her look like the big, blonde madam of a Twenty-Second Century Asian inspired brothel. And personally, if I were going to be the mistress of the bitches, red would be my color of choice not that ugly silver.

GINA: I do not understand why she is wearing black tapered jeans underneath a sleek and form fitting top. I get that the slit is extreme and requires an undergarment, but I would have used those fabric panels they have laying around for Brandon’s jeans and sewn it into the slit. Then you would have a very pretty Asian-style dress. And you wouldn’t be confusing me with 1987 Mom jeans. You know, I love Asian inspired clothes and home décor, but I feel like I can’t get away with it because I’m kind of Asian. My mom is adopted so we’re big heathens when it comes to stuff like “knowing the culture of your motherland”. I feel like an imposter, like I’m trying to show off my ethnicity while actually knowing little to nothing about my Korean roots. Do any of you other Yellow Americans feel the same? Is it just me?

CRYSTAL: I’ll ask my other asian inspired-buddy and let you know!

CRYSTAL: I want to thank JD this week. It has been so long since I’ve had a big crush. He makes me want to dance around my room to ABBA in my old prom dress. He makes me want to eat that apple for dessert instead of the pint of Hagan Daas in the freezer. I mean, like the whole pint. He makes me want to compare every guy I run into to him…This has possibly gone from funny to sad in a split second. Sometimes it’s hard to judge where the line is. JD looks so incredible in this picture. He is strong and dark and I love that he knows he’s good looking enough to shave off his hair and have women still want him. Although, I’m sure if I asked him, he would just give me some bullshit about how it’s “not about looks” and he doesn’t “conform to any style.” Then I would inevitably start a smart-assed, condescending argument about how full of shit he is and that I can’t believe I was even having this conversation with him because we both know the hair thing is methodically thought out. But the argument is completely unnecessary because every time he smiles he makes me want to have his sparkly eyed, stretchy legged babies. God, he is so passive aggressive and its so totally hot.

GINA: I marvel at his ability to utilize the “sexy stare” in an affective manner. I’m usually the first person in line to laugh at overt sexual mugging, but on JD it works. It like he’s looking right through me with his beautiful and intense stare. I would have ditched the necklace and put him in a simple, solid colored tee, but wow……so pretty. I’m glad that I haven’t moved on to JD marriage fantasies, but it’s been a conscious decision. It’s hard to keep things in the realm of “I would very much enjoy sexual intercourse with you” when you read interviews with him and he’s being all sarcastic and funny. So I now avoid all JD interviews, videos, and anything else where he is being awesome. I’m obsessed enough with this dumb show and stupid band. I don’t need JD marriage and baby fantasies to make it worse. I totally understand where you are coming from, Crystal, but I hope that it doesn’t happen to me.

CRYSTAL: GINA! Stop public-shaming me…I do fine all on my own. Personally, I like having crushes on guys I can never have because, frankly, there is no chance of making an ass of myself….oh god, excuse me folks, I’m just going to tattoo a big L on my forehead.

GINA: Dude, I am not shaming you. I have been there. I have these same fantasies about Trey Parker. I really do. I want to marry him and have his babies. For serious.

CRYSTAL: Is EM being more and more nasty in her descriptions or is it just me…this week her quote for Jessica is “she is sexy without having to try so much.” If I didn’t hate her, I might actually be friends with her. I feel like her power is slipping away with some of the rockers and that’s why the hateful hag has resorted to being just straight up bitch-a-roonie-doonie. (Thank you, Eric Foreman) I’m almost speechless. Jessica is following my first rule for a rocker—wear black. Always wear black. She also almost covered herself up this week. Wow. She has only one visible accessory…WTF? Her hair is soft and pretty…kinda un-R&R but I’m not fussing about that when the girl’s not wearing a tube top…why it’s almost like you can take the trash out of the trailer park! That’s a new one to me. Hope this doesn’t become a habit, Jessica…I don’t want you to consider yourself as good as me or anything.

GINA: I’m not crazy about her Batman vest, but, at this point, I feel like Jessica should be graded on a different scale. The scale of “Does She Look Like She’s on Welfare?” And this week, surprisingly, she doesn’t. I would even wear her pants in public. Wow, I can’t believe I typed that. She’s still trying to look tough. I guess that’s her interpretation of what rock and roll is. Whatever.

CRYSTAL: How much longer till she gets booted? ‘Cause I don’t have anymore poor girl jokes right now and I really don’t think she’s worth the hard thinking that comes from writing critiques.

GINA: I believe we say our final goodbyes to Brandon this post, and then Jessica the next. She has exhausted herself and her gimmick. I can't wait for next week to be over.

CRYSTAL: Those are the biggest motherfucking kulots I’ve seen in my entire life. Is that even how you spell kulots? I don’t freaking know…I don’t wear kulots. Ah, Jordis, come on…I see the night playing out perfectly in my mind’s eye. I imagine after Ellie Mae scooted her off, Jordis immediately asked the other rockers in the dressing room if she looked alright, they smiled, avoided eye contact and told her she looked really “interesting.” That is the quintessential answer when you don’t want to tell the truth. I know that because that is the exact answer I get from my mom when she doesn’t like something I’m wearing. (I usually don’t ask, she volunteers.) Then I imagine when she asked Suzie, the only girl she trusts for some reason, if those kulots made her ass look big, Suzie answered with “Do you think I should wear my hair like this…or this, because I think the rooster look is so in right now.” Leaving poor Jordis to wear this mess. I almost kind of like the top if it wasn’t for the stocking garter things. It makes it look like she forgot something. Like her humility. The worst thing is that, for the first time, she looks comfortable in the picture. Why would she wait until this outfit to be comfortable in front of the camera? She should be hiding her face as though she was just caught in the audience at a Blue Collar TV show. Stupid, Ellie Mae, giving false confidence to the weakest of egos.

GINA: I’m going to say something, but I need to disclaimer it first. JORDIS IS NOT FAT. SHE IS NOT KIND OF FAT. SHE IS NOT TUBBY, PUDGY, CHUNKY or JOLLY. This thing she is wearing, though? Makes her look huuuuuuge. Where did her waist go? She has one, I've seen it before. See, Jordis and I have the same body type, which is short but with boobs and an ass. Short waisted, short legged, short armed. If you cut her off at every opportunity, i.e the shawl, the culottes, the corset, the choker and don't create any lines you are going to make her look fat and squat. So here's the thing Ellie Mae. If you are going to put her in a corset, give her a waist and take off the shawl because she needs to make her arms look longer to compensate for the line you lose from the middle. Taking off the bracelets would help with that, too. If you are going to put her in big, shapeless culottes, then let's see a little ankle, to remind us that, indeed, she is the proud owner of two working legs. I'm taking this one a little personally. There is no reason for Jordis to look like a chubby midget. She's not.

CRYSTAL: Ugh, the chubby midget look is the worst… is that how you spell “culottes” and furthermore, how do you know how to spell it??

GINA: I googled it. I'm awesome.

CRYSTAL: Besides the frightening look on his face, Marty again looks man-fab. I love it when guys wear Converse sneakers with something a little more dressy. Just as long as everything is ironed and cleaned. His jacket makes him look even more lengthy and the stitching is way perfect. One thing that should make Gina happy is that jacket could in no way can make for an accidental man-midriff. You know something? Marty would make a great guy friend. I don’t know why I’m throwing that in here but I really don’t have anything else to talk about with his fashion and it just popped into my head. He would be the guy who stayed sober so he can drive your drunk ass home when you guys left the bar. He would go to some lame ass girl movie with you. He would be heartbroken when you marry some other guy. Wait…shit. Back to sad. I have to stop rambling.

GINA: Converse sneakers always remind me of a certain someone's (an old and dear friend of both of ours) ex boyfriend. He wore them to Prom and was very proud of himself. Crystal, you will remember him, his name rhymes with Handy Flockman? Anyway, there is a point to my bringing this up. See, Handy thought he was pretty R'nR, but he was more like this nice, Catholic, sanitized, socially acceptable brand of suburban indie kid/student council president (which he wasn't but fit the type) and though I liked him, I loved fucking with him. I told him that the Promise Ring were awesome. That Rainer Maria (the band, not the poet) were the best thing since sliced bread. That US Maple were the next big thing. Bascially, I lied to him and told him that shitty bands were great. Then I would laugh internally as he told me how awesome they were. See? This whole being mean thing is nothing new to me. In my defense, he ripped me off all the time and it irritated me. So. Point being, Converse sneakers with suits is always a bit poseur to me. I don't like this. He looks like Jack Skellington. The white slash against the shoulder is giving his jacket a Michael Jackson para-military vibe that is decidedly unpleasant.

CRYSTAL: Well, thanks a lot, Gina. Thanks for completely ruining the converse sneaker look for me. It always reminded me of Colin Quinn and now you’ve fucked that all up. Now when Marty comes to my wedding…he’ll have to wear normal shoes. Stupid Handy.

GINA: I'm sorry I keep ruining your life.

CRYSTAL: I remember this jacket and scarf combo because this was the first time I saw MiG. I did not start watching this show until this particular week. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. I thought “who is this well singing, weirdly shaped, elvin pixie? And why on earth does he want to be in INXS? And more importantly WHAT IS HE WEARING?” I hate all of MiG’s pants. They always go way too far down, they are always two sizes too small, and they make me envision disturbing things like groinal man-waxing and no underwear. I’m almost sure they don’t make thongs for men, so I know MiG hasn’t worn a pair of underwear since he stepped foot in America. EM probably told him that in America, men don’t wear underwear because they believe it makes them sterile. I think I would like the jacket on its own. But, who the hell knows, I see hair ripping from balls right now…I must stop looking at MiG.

GINA: Christ on a crutch. Did Ellie Mae never see Austin Powers? I find that hard to believe. Why has she put him in striped pants and pointy shoes? Fuck. This picture is creeping me out. I don't like the whole schoolgirl sex kitten vibe I'm getting from him. If that wasn't bad enough, EM just had to mention that the belt he is wearing was orginally featured in the Madonna "SEX" book. Great. I could have done without that. It makes it so much worse.

CRYSTAL: …okay, eww…I hope that belt was sanitized before he put it on. I’d wear surgical gloves if I ever had to touch it. Who knows what you could catch from that? Between that belt and ball hair I swear I’m gonna barf.

GINA: Coquetteish does not become him. I feel so dirty and not in a good way.

CRYSTAL: Magenta Fingerless gloves? [check]. Ugly colored, ill fitting jacket? [check]. Ginormous bell shaped pants? [check]. An unflattering hairstyles to fit your long face accompanied with a laughable dye job? [check and check] All ready, Suzie, IT’S SHOWTIME!----love, EM

GINA: I know she's from Canada and everything, and from what I understand it gets pretty goddamn cold there, but soemone needs to tell Suzie that in LA it is always toasty and warm. I wonder if everyone told her that it was really cold outside, just to mess with her. And she was all, "You guys! Really? Is it really 4 degrees outside?" and they were all, "Dude, I swear. It's some freak weather thing. I'd bundle up if I were you." and she said "It's the middle of August in Los Angeles, are you serious?" and they said, "Yes. I swear." and she believed them because she is gullible like that. I love people like Suzie.

CRYSTAL: I’ll bet she’d be just as fun as Handy. You could probably tell her anything like “no, no, black stripes through your hair look super awesome, “ or “oh guess what, Suzie, you’re pregnant.” Or “hey, Suzie you know what? The doctor called and said that if you don’t stop singing there’s a chance you’ll die.” And then when she starts crying because she believes it, you can laugh and say… “yeah, so you better quit.”

GINA: Dude, do you remember a girl who's name rhymes with Blara D'Sandwhich? Probably not, but she was the most gullible person I have ever met. We told her that Jurassic Park was based on a true story and she didn't question us. She asked what all the hubub about the OJ Simpson case was (five years after the fact, mind you) and we told her that the NFL wanted to take away his Superbowl rings because he scored too many touchdowns. Her response? "Good, I always wondered what that was all about and now I'll understand when people talk about it." Uhhh....she wasn't the brightest girl in the world, either, but she was funny. Uninitentionally so, but she was nice and I gen-u-whine-ly liked her. For more than the entertainment value.

CRYSTAL: I don’t want to make a whole gay parade out of it but I’d like to congratulate Ty on the down to earth outfit he’s sporting this week. I’m sure he’ll come back to disappoint me next week but, yay, black with a great jacket and he’s not making some ick face trying to seduce me. Cause, I’m not going for it Ty…no matter what kind of attraction I have to other gay men, you just don’t do it for me, sorry. You know why he’ll disappoint me next week? That beadwork around his jacket and the dogtags. I learned a new word this week. The word is “neophilia” and it’s defined as the love of novelty. Researchers have developed entire social theories on this word. I don’t know about all that but what I do know is that Ty is the biggest neophiliac this side of that country bumpkin Ellie Mae. He is as obsessed with pomp and zazz as I am with tearing people down…he is addicted and next week, he’ll fail me no more.

GINA: Ty is feeling guilty because this week in the house he buried JD alive, kidnapped Jordis, fell in love with Dave and left him for his (Dave's) brother, blackmailed Marty, and accidentally strangled Suzie's pet guinea pig. They took this photo just as he came back from the funeral. It's been a really exhausting week for him. Also, the last thing the world needs is chestlaces, so let's can that, m'kay?

CRYSTAL: I’m glad he strangled that guinea pig. She let it run around out of its cage and it pissed all over everything.

CRYSTAL: This week I want to do those sweet TV darlings Brooke Burke and Dave Navarro together. Aren’t they adorable, folks? They look like the King and Queen of hell’s revival of GREASE 2005…the whole gang’s back to sing shittier songs and their more leathered up than an S&M party. Together they’re “fashion sense” is as scary as Danny Bonaduce…which I personally believe is saying a lot. —okay when I just went into the kitchen to find a snack, I opened the cabinet and an open bag of fettuccine noodles fell all over me, I think I should stop now. Payback is a bitch and frankly I can so dish it out much more than I can take it. So I’m done. Thanks.

GINA: Either Brooke is like waaaaay short or they've Photoshopped the hell out of this to make Dave look taller. The girl is wearing stilletto boots, folks, and The Pocket Prince of Darkness (tm TWoP RS message boards) is little. Or they've pulled a photographer's trick that I am ignorant of because I know next to nothing about photography. Ellie Mae is stupid. For real. I would bet money the reason she put Brooke in that leather testament to bad taste is because she made her wear bloomies with beads hanging off them. She thought that she would compensate the naked bottom half with a modest upper half. Wrong yet again, Ellie Mae. If you are going to make her look like a Vegas showgirl then do it. Balls out. You put her in a slinky black camisole and show it off. That's just like her, to think that by contrasting the two extremes, it makes it okay. I hate EM. I really do.

Week Four-This is A Lot Harder When Everyone Doesn't Look Like Shit

2005-10-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

GINA: Okay folks, I was opening up the good old Rock Star official site to get the stuff for week four going when I noticed that the fashion page had a brand new feature. Ellie Mae's top ten looks. So I'm thinking that around week seven or eight we will throw in one or two of her favorites. At first I tried to resist temptation and let what she chose be a surprise, but I am weak. God, she sucks. I wish there was a better, more creative way to say that, but....I mean....there's no....the brown suit? She sucks people, plain and simple.

So yes, welcome back for week four. I will now do our little summing up thing where we explain what this is all about. Basically, we take the rocker fashion week by week and mock them. We will try to temper this by saying things like, "I swear I like this person" or "I kinda feel bad about this" and we will mean it. But we're not gonna stop anytime soon. We've been doing this for years and it has become a reflex. I don't think either of us are capable of watching television without making fun of it. Except The Office (BBC version). That shit was bomb.

Also, since I had someone email me and ask when we were going to update, (here’s the part where I pretend I wasn’t 500% flattered by that) I think we are looking about once every four days or so. Usually, one starts and the other replies the next day and so on. If we are diligent it takes four days. We can’t make any promises, but that’s when I would check. But feel free to email me and ask for an update again. It feeds my monsterous ego.

WEEK FOUR

GINA: So you know how last week I was all, "Based on this picture I wouldn't tell people JD was my favorite"? Well, I should learn to look ahead in these things and saved it for this week. JD has taken a misstep of Suzie proportions. Is it the see-through shirt? The cowboy boots? The artfully frayed jeans? The smarmy smirk? Which, I usually find the smarmy smirk attractive, but here he looks like Mischa Barton's boyfriend. The fattish, oily one? The clincher for me is the exposed chest complete with Guido gold chain. I am not at all aroused by this. In fact, I'm a little repulsed. He looks like a date rapist. Actually, sadly, he looks more like the singer of a nu-metal band or even worse, Nickleback. Thanks, Ellie Mae, for destroying the one thing that made me happy.

CRYSTAL: I now have a personal and very real vendetta against that bitch, Ellie Mae. I have declared a jihad. I will find her. I will hunt her down. And I will pierce her eyes out with sewing scissors for this atrocity against me. How could she do this to JD? How could she make a once perfect man so fallible? I swear I’ve seen a girl at a bar with that exact shirt on. And those jeans look like he pulled them out of the back of the car he was living in. It’s like she only wants him for herself so she tries to make him look as shitty as possible so no other woman will want him. Well, let me tell you, Ellie Mae, it won’t work! I’m still in love and not only because I am an empty, shallow person…I have like half our wedding planned now and there’s NO WAY I can get the deposit back on that cake. I may have to add a second jihad to Gina for calling him the lead singer of Nickleback. Low, Gina, very low.

GINA: My favorite part about this? That you think JD being the lead singer of Nickleback is worse than him being a date rapist. This is why we're friends.

GINA: Did I miss this week? Did he wear this jacket on the show? If so, why? Is this a Cross Colors jacket? I really think it is. EM said it was vintage, does 1992 count? I had a Cross Colors shirt once. It said "Stop the Violence", which is a bit hilarious since I was nine and lived in the suburbs. The only violence I had to worry about was unintentionally hurting myself while throwing a hissy fit. I see that MiG is in a bit of a no win situation with his hair. With it slicked back he looks like a Klingon. It's all in the eyebrows. He needs a Fu Manchu to go with that. It does de-elfify him, though. He looks handsome in a cologne ad sort of way. Is it not the strangest thing that he is thirty-five? I would guess 28 tops. What is your secret MiG? And I'm glad that the shirt has made a comeback.

CRYSTAL: I’m going to hate myself after this one. Oh, who am I kidding? I hate myself already. Mig, in case you ever see this (haha), I think you are a very cute guy. In the way that puppies are cute. But this is BY FAR the worst outfit I have ever seen on a man in my entire life. I blame it on EM, so please don’t take what I have to say to heart. What do white leather pants with a string “zipper” say to you? To me they say, “I have completely abandoned all hope of having even the slightest smidge of dignity.” White leather pants are the fashion equivalent of a gateway drug. One week you’re wearing white leather pants, the next week you’re selling your own CDs out of the back of your rented van in an alleyway between two buildings on the corners of Desperate and Pathetic St. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. I can’t get my head around that jacket. It is just so…FUGLY. I mean, what is that design? The colors remind me of something my mom would look at and say “oh, those are the colors we used to wear when I was young…” and then laugh as if that was an okay thing to do. Sigh. I guess I should be happy that he’s wearing a shirt under that jacket. Probably because he was afraid it would have sweat through and leave the design tattooed on his skin. Good thinking, Mig.

GINA: Not even David Lee Roth could have worn this and not looked horrible. But he wouldn't of have tried to. He would have worn the white leather drawstring pants with a v-neck lycra vest that was red and had gold sequined accents. And he would have pulled it off. The only reason he could get away with such outrageousness was because he was and is motherfucking crazy. MiG, you do not have that luxury. Since you aren't crazy, it makes everything look like a costume. I would have loved to have seen him in jeans and a scrungy t-shirt. I bet he would look great.

CRYSTAL: God bless you, David Lee Roth.

GINA: Does Ty love Jesus twice as much as everyone else? Where was the controversy about that? I find that much more offensive than when JD said he loved our band, INXS more than everyone. Aside from the double crosses and ladies jogging tank, he is dressed pretty okay. For Ty, at least. I like him much better when he is less flashy. Here I don't feel like I'm getting the flashing neon sign that says, "GAY GAY GAY LOOKATMEI'MGAY". I'm not against being free and open with your sexuality, but not to the point of distraction. (see JD's very first performance when he did American Woman for another example of that) Christ alive, you know he has practiced that broody/sensitive/pouty/with a touch of vulnerability face in the mirror for countless hours. He does that in between the times when he conducts fake interviews with himself. "Yes, I had a fantastic experience in the house. I collaborated with Suzie for her original song, Soul Life. Well actually...to be honest it wasn't much of a song until I got my hands on it. I love Suzie to death, but well.....she's more of a singer than a songwriter."

CRYSTAL: You know, when I watched the show I really never had too much of a problem with Ty. Sure he’s as gay as I am mean, but at the very least he was usually entertaining. And there was no way he was going to win so I never worried about that. Now, with only studying a picture of him for the last couple of weeks, my apathy has turned to hate. The first thing I want to do when I see him is say “Ugh, go away.” I once worked with a gay guy at the mall and our store was directly across from a furniture store and the manager over there was another gay guy. (The two were roommates. See, all gay guys DO know each other.) One day I was working with Chuck (worst gay name ever) and his friend from across the mall started sashaying across the hallway with big arm gestures flailing in the air, “oooohhhh laaaaadies…” he yelled. Once he got inside our empty store Chuck fumed, “Why you always gotta be such a fag??” That’s what I want to say to Ty. Ty, why you always gotta be such a fag?? Stop with the “fuck-me” eyes and open mouth taunt. I don’t think gay guys listen to INXS...you’re not going to get much more action out of this.

GINA: Thank you, I was trying to find a PC way of saying "Stop being such a fag" because people are sensitive. And rightly so, the gays get picked on more than they should, and I'd hate for anyone to think I was a gay hater. But I concur. Stop being such a fag, Ty. And you are right also on the point that on the show he wasn't half this bad. Before this blog I liked Ty, for what he was, meaning I would pay money to see him in the do a show in Vegas, or in a musical. I didn't like LOVE him or anything, but now he's like the backstabbing villainess in a soap opera to me. I imagine him changing the results of paternity tests or covering up a drunk driving accident that killed his worst enemy's daughter. I never thought that before. It does make him more interesting to me, but in a "I wonder what kind of evil shit he pulled in the house" sort of way rather than in a "Ty is awesome" manner.

CRYSTAL: Well, rest assured, you can always count on me to be PC.

GINA: Nice hair, dude. It doesn't make you look like a girl or anything. I suppose it's better than the stumpy ponytail he was sporting before. Maybe. I keep picturing him as a mail order bride from Russia. Can you imagine how disappointing that would be? You think you bought a 19 year old babe with questionable English, and instead you get someone that looks like she's seen the harsh end of the bread line since, oh, around the Mesolithic Era. Roughly. In another, perhaps more disturbing way, he is giving me Antonio Banderas vibes. I think it's the leather vest. Nothing says sweaty, alarmingly passionate, cheesy, Latin, heartthrob like a leather vest. I think Brandon is mad at me for typing that. He looks like he wants to beat me with a crudely designed club. Also, someone might want to advise him to either shave on a regular basis or grow in the beard fully, because it looks like he's got a big bald spot on his chin. I like to think of it as intentional. I wish more people shaved geometrical designs into their faces. Wait. Was this the week he wore the J.Lo hat? Why isn't he wearing it? I am going to be so pissed he didn't commerate that. Damn it.

CRYSTAL: Jesus. It is outfits like this that make me want to emotionally abuse someone. I think I’ll take it out on Brandon. I’m sure nobody will mind. I’ve been learning a lot about Neanderthals and Cro-magnons (modern human ancestors) in class lately. The anthropologists contend that the large faced, sloping browed Neanderthals have disappeared and that maybe they were bred-out into us homo sapiens. What would I say to that? Look at Brandon! This man has definite Neanderthal characteristics. He looks just like our ancestor the Neander-Biker: a rare, but intimidatingly bad dressing sub-species of Neanderthals. Look it up, it’s all true. My absolute favorite part about his outfit is that the he patch work down the inseam of his leg makes it seem like he peed his pants. Like, wouldn’t that be the direct path that urine would flow? And how would I know that? Television, of course. This outfit is seriously bad, but I think even EM must have hated it with the very succinct description, “Brandon wanted to wear black.” Wah hah. Brandon’s just pissing everyone off this week. Oh and Gina, that JLO hat is next week’s pleasure. No worries.

GINA: Thank God. I was worried there for a minute.

GINA: I love how Jordis has her arms thrown up as if to say, "I tired telling her this looked like a sheet with a hole cut in it, but the bitch wouldn't listen." Hey, Ellie Mae, would it kill you to take up her pants? What else are you doing? I would feel so much better if I found out EM was the producer's fuckup daughter. This would all make sense. Pin that shit if you have to, Ellie Mae! Quit being lazy! I think she made Jordis' necklace out of the fine, genuine, freshly snipped rat tails. Not in the literal sense but I think EM paid some hoosiers to cut off those little tiny braid they grow from the back of their short cut hair. Be careful, Jordis. You don't know where those have been. This shirt reminds me of the time I saw a man come into my old waitressing job wearing a towel as a shirt. No lie. He'd cut a hole in the middle and stuck his head through and wore it like a sideless poncho. God Bless the USA.

CRYSTAL: I think EM must have ransacked every horse barn in the tri-state area to find all these ugly leather belts she continues to inflict on the rockers and us. They are always studded, always five or six feet wide and never do a damn thing for the wearer except maybe accelerate the need for a hip replacement. What exactly was EM thinking with that shroud Jordis is wearing? The only compliment I can bestow this disaster is that it is the best way I can think of to cover up whatever figure Jordis might have. And you are right, that’s not much of a compliment. I think her face simply says “I feel stupid.”

GINA: Alright. It's time to retire the horns. The horns died once Jessica Simpson started throwing them. The horns no longer convey how rock and roll you are. They aren't even funny anymore. It's a shame, really. The horns did nothing but give and give, but alas, we are only human beings being human and we pushed it too far. I think she might be a part time superhero, judging from her complicated utility belt. Which upon closer inspection is one of those fringe-ended tied belts, but from far away looks like a pouch. Harnessing her abilities through the awesome power of the horns, she vanquishes evildoers with her anchorsawayarang. I do like how she is trying to look "tough girl". Jessica, let's not pretend. You aren't tough. You're nice. You don't get into fights. Is that your gimmick? Scary, poor girl? I would work on that. You deserve better.

CRYSTAL: Well the Poor Girl has outdone herself yet again. She is once again so skanky I swear to everything holy I can smell her through my laptop. You know you have done something wrong when even EM tells you you’re a “little over the top.” So has everyone watched the video titled something like “What the Rockers are doing now?” Or am I the only loser? Well, my fav-o-rite part is Jessica’s. Jessica actually admitted that she is now WORKING IN CONSTRUCTION. I laughed for about two straight minutes because I feed off people’s failures. I get most of my material from it, obviously. How perfect does she look for construction? I think it’s amazing how a profession can match a person’s persona so often. I am a hardworking pushover so I gophered for a Title company for over a year, practically for free, Gina is a lazy person addicted to comfort so she tears paper apart for a paycheck, Jessica is poor white trash so she is a construction worker. Correction, she’s a construction worker with a fuchsia bra. The saddest thing I can think about this whole situation is I really believe that Jessica thinks of herself as a real rocker chick.

GINA: Hey, I like being lazy and comfortable. It's a good life. You don't get much done, but who needs stuff like "accomplishments"? Take for example, this blog. After we're done with it I'm not going to write anything for a year. Already, I'm spent from this shit. In fact, I'm just gonna take a four hour long break before I finish the rest of this. Thinking is hard.

CRYSTAL: True that.

GINA: Deanna looks great. I don't like the vest, but I'm not going to nitpick because she is fabulous tonight. Interesting how simple hair and makeup took about 5 years off her age. So....there's not really a lot to say when they look good. Especially when its Deanna, who has had quite a few bad weeks. Bravo hair and makeup team. I am going to let her enjoy her moment of glory. Of note is the fact that EM noted, "She [Deanna] simply wanted it to be all about her voice and understate her look.". You know she wasn't happy about that. EM pouted the whole week and gave Deanna the silent treatment. Which Deanna was grateful for.

CRYSTAL: Well, I’m going to nitpik. I think Deanna looks like Jessica’s poor-white, yet still young enough (in her head) to hang with her daughter’s friend’s, trashy mother. That vest is so god-awful it sprang to mind a stripper my step-mother helped dress with a very similar leather vest when my step-mom was selling leathers. (Yeah, I know how that sounds.) It was a kid’s vest, but my step-mom knew she’d want it because, lets face it, strippers aren’t known for their fashion sensibility. I also dislike straight cut jeans when they are longer than the shoe. I am not going to get into the strategically placed holes. It’s unfortunate that Deanna dresses like this. She has a great figure but she just always looks like they plucked her out of a bar-band with a huge banner overhead declaring “Ladies: $1 bottlenecks every Wednesday Night!”

GINA: She looks so good in the face that I don't care. I'm just happy for her.

GINA: Where are Suzie's hands? That's just a bad idea for a picture. It's pretty subversive. I wonder if this is EM's attempt at art. Well, you see, I wanted to express my fear of being handless. I use them for my work, you know, for handing over credit cards and flipping through racks. I'd say my hands are the most valued asset. I used this piece to conquer that fear. Now if I lose my hands I won't be afraid. I can always have my intern do the flipping and point of sales transactions. As far as everything else Suzie looks good. This is so fucked up. All of the good are bad and the bad are good. I wonder if they all decided to dress each other this week. Deanna got JD and Jordis got Suzie. Ah, rationalization, you always make everything better.

CRYSTAL: This costume is alright on Suzie. Burn the jacket and I would probably even wear it. I even like the necklace. (I think somewhere stars are falling out of the sky and the earth is rotating off its axis.) But, there is an overall problem with Suzie as a person. She has no personal style, either in her singing or with her clothes. She doesn’t know who she is and so how are we supposed to like her and her style? Her personality, or lack thereof, is annoying and I think the outfit, while it’s alright, just drives home the fact that Suzie is blank. By that, I don’t mean she’s a blank canvas, something to work with…I mean she is a hollow excuse for a human. She has nothing to really offer. And quite frankly, if I can’t make some sort of joke about the way Suzie looks, she is useless to me.

GINA: Now, I can't decide if Marty is a clever, fashion conscious, bastard or a goofball. I'm leaning the former. I can't help but notice that his pants are just a schooch too short. But, if he went shoeless, he would avoid the land of highwaters. I think we all know that EM would have no issue with slapping a pair of three inch thick combat boots on him, so I'm giving this one to Marty. Well done. I never in a million years thought that doing this blog would make me like Marty better, but it has. The man is a fine dresser. I think that he most likely picks out what he wants to wear himself since he has retained an individual style since the beginning of the show. Except for the tee and tie week. I'm blaming EM for that one.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I like Marty’s whole style. I am not a fan of the shoeless look and the Wicked Witch of the West socks, but it works for that tall, lanky bitch. Marty really works with subtle and unique looks and he is the antithesis of Suzie who has no clue who she is or what she is doing. Marty is comfortable with himself and his clothes actually reflect this. I know it’s pretty early in the fashion lineup but I think I would vote Marty the best dressed. Or the best “I don’t listen to that country whore Ellie Mae to tell me what accessories look best with my pant” look. Either one carries the same amount of prestige.

GINA: I'd really like to talk to him about EM one day. I bet he would make fun of her with us.

GINA: Tara again has fallen victim to the white hot wrath of EM. She's the gothiest soccer mom ever. I'm glad that's she's moved away from the bar floozie persona. Pinstripes call for a simple, solid colored top so that you don't get nauseous from looking at a kaleidoscope of pattern, and this leather sheath doesn't flow with it at all. Maybe I'm losing my fire, but Brandon and JD aside, this has been a frustrating week. She doesn't look bad, really. But not good. There is lots of clashing, but not in a funny way. Tara, you used to be such a wellspring of comedic material.

CRYSTAL: I first want to congratulate Tara for dying all that purple slop out of her locks. Her hands were probably sore from everyone slapping them due to that gross misstep. The two items (the top and the pant) are good. I like wide leg pants and I like pin stripes. I like the leather boostier, and while I’m not all that impressed with her use of the fleur-de-lis print, I think the leather is pretty R&R. I do not, however, like the two pieces together. Gina is dead on with the matronly look. She must have a bard of kids towed away somewhere. I say these things but I don’t really know what she could do to help herself. Not to be cruel, but, I think she is beyond the age of “making it” in the music business. Not everyone can be Sheryl Crow. Not that’s necessarily a bad thing. We could deal with a lot less Sheryl Crow in the world. What I mean by that is that the music loving public is not going to embrace too many women over thirty to be the next big thing. Therefore, there’s really not a good model to follow as far as fashion is concerned. Tara and Deanna have to forge ahead on their own with only the help of that hateful b-otch EM for help. I don’t know where they should be in terms of their fashion, but this ain’t it.

GINA: Actually, Tara was in a band called Joydrop, who were pretty big in Canada and had a following here. I think they had one here, anyway. So she has "made" it, or tasted the sweet nectar of success, or whatever you want to call it. Just thought I'd throw that out there. She would look a million times better in a plain plack trouser and a tank top. I just....she's pissing me off because I can't think of any jokes. I'm sorry folks, I know you're here for the ha-ha, but....shit....I quit.

CRYSTAL: Who cares about Canada! Listen folks, alls good for them up there but seriously, no one in the entertainment business, no matter what field and no matter what country they come from, will ever admit to having “made it” until they have conquered the deceptively bad taste of Americans. That’s just the God given truth. No offense about the Canadian bashing. She would look better in plain clothes…or just well tailored pants and jackets. We’ll never know now, cause I guarantee, no one in America is ever gonna see her again.

GINA: I know on the internet message boards (hello snarkgasm!) Brooke is known as Bwak Bwak and they couldn't have put her in a better dress. She looks like she's doing the big dance number in the state beauty pageant and she represents the bald eagle that flies with pride for America. Ellie Mae was in the same pageant, but she had to be the Great Depression. She wore Jordis' outfit. That was where the seeds of resentment were sewn. Begrudgingly, I will say she pulls it off. I want her necklace.

CRYSTAL: I love the clueless smiles that Brooke always has spread across her face. I honestly mean that. I’ll bet in real life she’s a super sweet person to be around. So trusting and helpful. The bestest friend you could ever have. That’s why I hate Ellie Mae. I think of Brooke as a friend and I don’t like to see bullies messing with my friends. This dress has so many things wrong with it I don’t even want to look at it. It is a giant eyesore. The color is all wrong for her skin tone, the pattern is indecipherable. The long sleeves are just uck. It is so ass-backwards in everything fashion forward and I feel like EM has gone from subtle manipulation to straight up forcing Brooke to wear this shit. Brooke, please, give me a ring. I could help you in so many ways.

GINA: Dude, I like her dress in comparison with all the other wastes of fabric and child labor she wore this summer. She wears it well. I....maybe EM is breaking me. It's only week four and already my spirit has been crushed.

CRYSTAL: Gina, you need to suck it up. We have many more weeks to go and you cannot rest and possibly say that this black hole of fashion is good, even in comparison. I want you to take a rest and remember why you hate EM. I think it will help you.

GINA: You know what the last thing I wanted to see was? Dave Navarro's ball-crease. I guess wishes don't come true. He has perfect hair. Not one flyaway. I usually get mad when good hair is wasted on men, but I know Dave appreciates it. More than I ever could. More than anyone ever could. I think he and Jessica are wearing the same pants. No shit. Scroll back up and take a look at her. Wow, was that an accident? Or are they BFF and wore matching pants to the taping?

CRYSTAL: Dave does appreciate that hair. More than any man ever should. I am tired of that Jason Preistly hair cut though. Come on, Carmen, tell him. And what is with “rockers” and crosses? When did these music mongers take probably the most religious symbol in the world and declare it their own? Was I asleep for a few years? It has the distinct flavor of when the nazi’s took the swastika as their symbol of hate when it was previously used the symbol for good things like strength and good luck. Okay, maybe I’m stretching that a bit. But seriously…Ozzie Osborne’s house comes to mind. What is up with all those crosses? It’s getting kinda ridiculous. If one rawker could give me a good reason why they do it and what it symbolizes then maybe I could let it go…I have a feeling they would just say “‘Cause its cool, bro.” I’ll get in to the usage of the word “bro” and “brother” by white rockers some other time.